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Debates, Outlines of Debates, and Questions 

for Discussion, to which is added an 

Original and complete Debate on 

Free Trade. 

In addition to these are a large collection of debatable 
qnestions. 

The authorities to be referred to for information being 
given at the close of every debate throughout the work, mak- 
ing it the most complete work on the subject ever published. 

Containing the following complete Debates : 

1. Is the Protection afforded to American industry by 
duties on imports beneficial to the American people f 

2. Which is of the greatest Benefit to his Country, the 
Warrior, the Statesman, or the Poet / 

3. Are the Mental Capacities of the Sexes eoua 1 * 

4. Is Capital Punishment justifiable ? 

5. Does Morality increase with Civilization f 

6. Has the Stage a Moral Tendency ? 

7. Which was tha greater Poet, Shakespeare or Milton? 

8. Which has done the greater Service to Mankind, the 
Printing Press or the ISteam Engine ? 

9. Which does the most to make the Orator— Knowledge, 
' ure, or Art f 

Bound in boards, with cloth back, containing over 200 

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r sale by all Booksellers, or will be sent, postpaid, on 

receipt of price. 

EXCELSIOR PUBLISHING HOUSE, 

%0 and 31 Beekman Street, New York, N. T. 

l\ O. liox 1144. 



\ 



( 
BOOK 

of i * ~i (c 



MOCK TRIALS: 



CONTAINING 



FOURTEEN ORIGINAL PLAYS, REPRESENTING HUMOROUS 

COURT-ROOM SCENES, ADAPTED TO THE LIMITS OF 

THE PARLOR, AND ARRANGED FOR PUBLIC OR 

PRIVATE PERFORMANCES. 



j:p. 



BY 

RITTER, Jr., and WILLIAM T. CALL. 



NEW YORK: 
EXCELSIOR PUBLISHING HOUSE, 

29 AND 31 BEEKMAN STREET. 






COPYRIGHT, 1886, BY 
EXCELSIOR PUBLISHING HOUSE. 






h -JL 



OYEZ, OYEZ, OYEZ! 



It is common practice with writers to try to disarm 
criticism by telling in a preface what they have left un- 
done, what they have done badly, and what they intend to 
do well in the rosy future. But the critic, like that un- 
poetic little member of a lower order, gets there just the 
same. It would be useless, then, for us to ask out loud, 
Who ever found a play as interesting when read as when 
acted ? Besides, we ought not to begin asking questions 
here, as that is the business of the lawyers and judges in 
the following pages, whose counterparts are probably at 
tjiis very moment putting equally absurd questions in many 
of the courts of this great land. 

The Authors. 



(3) 



PUBLISHERS' NOTE. 



These Mock Trials are founded on actual occurrences in 
the courts of this country. Playwright's license has been 
taken where strict compliance with the rigid rules of court 
procedure would be tedious and dry. There are no mere 
extravaganzas in this book. Sharp satire on American 
court methods and manners is the substance into which is 
worked an amount and variety of fun and mock-heroic 
humor (seldom overdrawn) that no previous collection of 
short plays affords. Each trial differs from the otheF5"in 
the prominence given to Judge, Attorneys or Witnesses, 
and the characters are not reproduced. No similar book 
of any worth whatever has been offered to the public, and 
do not doubt that the merits of these Mock Trials will 
be speedily recognized. 

I hardly say that it may often be advantageous 
to vary a trial from the form given in the book, by omit- 
ting or adding matter, shortening parts, etc., etc. This, of 
course, must be left entirely to the intelligence and inven- 
tion of those who are " cast " as performers, or of someone 
qualified for that task. The amusement of the audience is 
n greatly increased by local allusions. 
(4) 



COxMTENTS. 



PAGE 

O'Hafferty versus Tin Tung. (One female and 

five male characters.) IV. T. Call, . . 7 

Swearing In a Jury. (Seven male characters.) J. P. 

Ritter, Jr. . . . . .70 

An Hour in a Police Court. (One female and 

eight male characters.) IV. T. Call. . . 79 

Roperin versus Dudeling. (Six male and two fe- 
male characters.) J. P. Ritter, Jr. . . 88 

Confident Confidence Man (The). (Six male 

characters.) IV. T. Call. . . . .18 

Long-Lost Gaybird versus Amanda Meek. (Six 

male and one female character.) J. P. Ritter, Jr. 103 

Solomon Joblots' Great Loss. (One female and 

six male characters.) IV. T. Call. . . -3° 

Seraphina Frivol vs. "Agueville Argus." (Five 
male and two female characters.) J. P. Ritter, Jr., 
and IV. T. Call. 54 

Trial of Augustus Swindle (The). (Six male and 

one female character.) J. P. Ritter \ Jr. . . 115 

That Great Water-Melon Case. (Six male and 

two female characters.) IV. T. Call. . . 40 

Case of the Widow Croly (The). (Six male and 

one female character.) J.P.Ritt: , Jr. . .124 

(5) 



6 

PAGE 

if versus Thomas Cat. (Five 
male and three female characters.) J. I\ Ritter % 

Jr • 135 

[NINE JUSTICE. (Two male and four fe- 
ale characters.) W. T.Call, . . .152 

tSlTlON of John Joseph James Jenkin- 
[NSON, (Five male characters.) J. P. Ritter t 

Jr 147 

Mouse (The). A Court Scene. . . .158 



RITTER'S 

BOOK OF MOCK TRIALS. 



O'HAFFERTY versus TIN TUNG. 

Dramatis Persons. 
Judge Crusty. 
Lawyer Rusty, for Plaintiff. 
Lawyer Seedy, for Defendant. 
Mrs. O'Hafferty, Plaintiff. 

Tin Tung, Chinaman, with falsetto voice, Defendant. 
Stephanotis Pinky, Witness. 

Judge Crusty {rapping testily). — Silence in court. The 
case on to-day will be decided whether the counsel are 
ready or not. 

Lawyer Rusty {half rising, hurriedly). — I appear for 
the plaintiff. 

Lawyer Seedy {starting quickly). — And I for the de- 
fendant. 

CRUSTY {aside while writing names of lawyers). — "Tried 
before Judge Crusty. Rusty for {spelling abbreviatioiis) 
p-t-double f. Seedy for d-e-f-t. A fine array of talent. 
Well, this must be an important case." {Suddenly, to law- 
yers.) I would like to see one of you get something half de- 
cent in the way of a coat out of this. It's enough to make 
a judge squint-eyed to see those same shiny old coats year 
in and year out. Why don't you beg or borrow one some- 
time? 



8 0*HAFFERTY Vi 

I'll get one, 

your I lonor, if I win this » 

i. — What ! arc yon trying to bribe me 

Do you think I am on this bench in the 

lnt< lid-hand clothing dealers? I never heard 

h impudence. If I don't check it right here, by and 

by you'll want to borrow my suspenders to hang yourself 

with. 

RUSTY* — I meant no offense. 
Seedy.— Nor I. either. 

Crusty. — No, I should say you didn't. If I thought you 
knew enough to offend any one, I'd have you both locked 
up for tramps. Go on with your case. {Occupies himself 

{humbly.) — Very well, your Honor. This is an 
action brought by my client, a lady in good standing, 
against the defendant for injury to her business of pur- 
veyor to the public necessities for the immaculate. I — 

Crusty. — Hold on right there. Now, what kind of a 

business is that — " purveyor to the public necessities for 

the immaculate " ? Is this a case of fraud in the Custom- 

House, or robbery on the high seas, or what is it ? What 

in the name of Webster and Worcester and all their mur- 

a " purveyor to the public necessities for the im- 

"? 

RUSTY.— 1 refer — 

— No references necessary. In plain United 
States English, what is a " purveyor to the public neccssi- 
: >r the immaculate " ? 

th an effort). — A-a-a washerwoman, your 

—Oho! that's it, is it : sec here, both of 

I have said time and again to the lawyers that come 

to I l stand any jumping-jack tricks 

with words, and what I say I mean, sure as my name is 



O'HAFFERTY VERSUS TIN TUNG. 9 

Judge Crusty. Is your linen a sample of your client's im- 
maculate work ? 

Rusty. — No, your Honor; but I can bring in some speci- 
mens if you would like to see them. 

Crusty. — Bring in the purveyor instead. I'll find out 
about her ability. 

Rusty. — As you will have it, your Honor. (To O'Haf- 
ferty.) Step to the witness-stand,eif you please. 

O'Hafferty {stepping tip, and bobbing her head to the 
Judge), — Good marnin', yer Honor; good marnin', Joodge. 

Crusty (writing and taking no notice of salutation.) — 
What is your name ? 

O'Hafferty (rapidly). — Jane Ann Flaherty Raflerty 
O'Hafferty. 

CRUSTY (dropping pen in amazement). — What ! 

O'Hafferty {louder and faster). — Jane Ann Flaherty 
Raflerty O'Hafferty. 

Crusty. -Is that all ? 

O'Hafferty. — And ain't that enough for a poor work- 
ing-woman ? 

Crusty. — Yes, that's name enough for a Russian. Now, 
Mrs. Hafferty-Rarlerty-O'Tafferty— 

O'Hafferty (bobbing her head in ?nock politeness). — Mrs. 
O'Hafferty is moi name, af you please. 

Crusty. — O it is? Then you are not a Russian. 

O'Hafferty (moving her head decidedly). — Yis Oi am. 
Oi am a rushan at me work, Oi am. 

Crusty. — All right, all right. Where were you 
born ? 

O'Hafferty (proudly). — County Kilkenny in the Imer- 
ald Oile. 

Crusty (writing). — Kilkenny — {testily, aside,) cats ! 

O'Hafferty {quickly and defiantly). — Rats ! begorra ! 

Crusty (a little startled). — How long have you be^n in 
this country ? 



IO 

O'Hafferti . Mr little Patsy is a-working 

in th- ard now. 

— What has your little Pat to do with it? 

O'Hafferty. — Sure. me little Patsy born the 

landed in C :rdcn, and wasn't he tin 

LSt week when he went to work in the brick- 

CRUSTY. —How do I know whether he w r as or not? 

O'HAFFERTY [excitedly), — Will yer hear him? How 

does he know whither he was or not? Upon me soul, 

you're the most ignorantest Joodge Oi iver saw. {Threat- 

with her hands). And it ain't the likes o' you as 

can knock out an O'Hafferty. 

Crusty {uneasily). — There, there, Mrs. O'Hafferty, that 
will do. {Sharply to Rusty). Why don't you go on with 
your witness? 

Rusty.— I will, I will, your Honor. Mrs. O'Hafferty, 
you had a prosperous laundry business before your rival 
came into the street, did you not? 

O'Hafferty. — Moi roival ! It wasn't moi roival that hurt 
me business, it was that yaller-skinned Chinaman, Tin Tung. 
Rusty. — That's what I mean. Now tell us how he in- 
jured your business. 

O'Hafferty. — And don't you know as well as I do? 
Didn't he stand out on the sidewalk and tell me best cus- 
tomers that I washed their clothes wid sewer wather? And 
In't he put a sign in his window, "socks, 3 cints, and 
T s, 8 cints "? And didn't he stale away me best cus- 
Ir. Pinky, with his hathenish tricks? 

• just the point, Mrs. O'Hafferty. We will 

1 It's an outrage for this cheap Chinese 

the business of an honest working- 

and I shall demand $200 damaj 

O'IIaiferty.— That's roight, Mr. Rusty. Oi will give 

you tin dollars if you get me the two hundred. 



O'HAFFERTY VERSUS TIN TUNG. II 

Crusty. — I won't have lawyers making bargains with 
their clients in this court. 

Rusty. — It was her own proposition, your Honor. It 
was not my fault. I am through with the witness 
now. 

Crusty. — Then I warn the opposing counsel, Mr. Seedy, 
to be careful not to excite this dangerous witness in the 
cross-examination. 

Seedy. — I will be very careful, your Honor. ( To witness.) 
Mrs. O'Hafferty, how old are you ? 

O'Hafferty {excitedly). — What business is that to you, 
yer half-starved sculpin, yer? Oi moight be a hundred be- 
fore Oi'd tell you. 

Crusty. — There you go the first thing. I never saw 
such a brace of half-witted lawyers in my life. Can't you 
understand that this old woman — 

O'Hafferty {wildly, to Judge).— O-o-o-o I Oi am an 
old woman, am Oi ? Come down out of that, yer blather- 
skite, and Oi'll show yer whither the widdy O'Hafferty is 
an old woman or not. 

Crusty {starting, l/ien to lawyers). — Take away this 
witness. I have heard enough of this testimony. Such 
legal lights as you are would mix up any case. Try another 
witness, and see if you can do any better. 

Rusty {humbly). — I will do my best, your Honor. Mrs. 
O'Hafferty, step this way, please ; I have something to say 
to you privately. 

O'Hafferty. — No, Oi'll not. I want me money. 

Rusty — You shall have your money, my dear Mrs. 
O'Hafferty, if you will go to your residence and get a speci- 
men of your handiwork. 

O'Hafferty. — Me "hondiwurk," what's that? 

Crusty. — I would like to see whether you do good work. 
Will you bring in a clean shirt, for instance ? 

O'Hafferty.— Oi will that. Oi will that. And Oi'll 



i I HAFFKRTY VERSUS UN rUNG, 

here In half an hour wid as foinc a shun as iver yer 
on. 

. muttering : " < '/ can i 
/ Choinaman in the country.") 
v. — Well, well ; who and what next? 
RUSTY.— My next witness is Mr. Pinky. (To Pinky.) 
to the Stand, sir. 

(Pinky walks daintily to stand.) 

RUSTY.— Your full name, sir? 

Pinky {primly).— Stcphanotis Pinky. 

Crusty (aside, while writing)* — Steph-a-no-tis Pinky. A 
sweet-scented creature, I'll warrant. (To witness.) Is that 
your full name, young man ? 

Pinky. — It is, Mr. Judge. It is, really. 

Crusty (imitating Pinky's tone). — Really? 

Pinky (earnestly). — Yes, really, Mr. Judge ; really, really. 

Crusty. — Wonderful, wonderful ! What is your bus- 
iness ? 

Pinky (proudly). — I am chief of the lace and ribbon de- 
partment of Frill & Flounce's great store at the corner 
of— 

Crusty. — Yes, yes ; I know who they are. (To Rusty.) 
Go on with your witness, Mr. Rusty. 

Rusty. — You were formerly a customer of Mrs. O'Haf- 
ferty, were you not, Mr. Pinky? 

Pinky. — Yes-s, I gave her all my laundry work. 

tv. — How many pieces did your laundry bundle aver- 

Pinky. — Ever so many. Why, I often had as many as 
j lie neckties in one week. 
-Why did you discontinue sending your laundry 
O'l laffei 
:y (with dignity). — I decline to answer so imperti- 
nent a question. I would have you to understand that I 
am not to be trifled with. 



O'HAFFERTY VERSUS TIN TUNG. 1 3 

Crusty {sternly). — Answer that question, Mr. Stepha- 
notis Pinkeye, or I will have you locked up for a contu- 
macious witness. 

Pinky {pleadingly). — O gracious ! I don't know what a 
contumacious witness is, but it must be something just aw- 
ful. I will tell everything you want me to, Mr. Judge. 

Crusty. — I don't want you to tell me anything. I want 
to know why you changed from one washerwoman to an- 
other. Now tell me that, young man ! It is a very im- 
portant point in this case. 

Pinky — I didn't change, Mr. Judge, from one washer- 
woman to another. I didn't, really. 

Crusty {in thundering tones). — What ! Why, I'll commit 
you for perjury. I'll give you one more chance. Did you 
not change from one washerwoman to another ? 

Pinky. — I did not; truly I did not, Mr. Judge. I left 
Mrs. O'HaiTerty at the solicitation of Mr. Tin Tung. That 
is, I only changed from a washer- woman to a China-///a//. 

Crusty. — Well, wasn't that just what I said? 

Pinky {meekly). — Yes, Mr. Judge, I think it was. 

Crusty. — Don't you know it was? 

Pinky. — Oh ! I do, I do. I really know it was. 

Crusty {to lawyers). — Don't go to sleep. Do you think 
I am going to conduct this entire case myself? 

Rusty {starting). — O no, your Honor ; I was thinking up 
my next question. {To Pinky.) What did the Chinese 
laundry man say to you that made you take your work from 
Mrs. O'Hafferty and give it to him ? 

Pinky. — 1 respectfully decline to reply to your imperti- 
nent interrogatory. 

Crusty. — Good, young man. That's the only glimmer 
of common sense I've seen to-day. {Sternly.) Answer 
that question. 

Pinky. — O certainly, Mr. Judge. I had prepared my 
laundry bundle with great care, having sprinkled lavender- 



14 HAFFERTY VERSl S TIN n N 

water on the soiled clothes before going out. I never Bus- 
ted any one would gueSS what I had in the bundle. 
Well, I was just taking it into Mrs. O'Hafferty's house. 

when I heard the stirring cry of "cash ! " Obeying my first 
impulse. I ran right Straight Up to the source of this familiar 
sound, only to find Mr. Tin Tung waiting for me behind a 
telegraph-pole. I was greatly incensed to be so grossly 

deceived, but when Mr. Tin Tung assured me that Mrs. 
O'HaiTerty actually used sewer-water on my three-inch- 
four-ply collars, I was just furious. Really, I was just 
furious. 

Crusty. — Were you as furious as a dead lion, do you 
think ? 

Pinky {positively).— Fully, Mr. Judge, fully; and I at 
once went with Mr. Tung to his laboratory. 

Crusty.— To his what? 

Pinky. — To Mr. Tung's laundry, and I have patronized 
him ever since. 

Crusty. — Did you recommend your friends to go there, 
too, in preference to Mrs. O'Hafferty's ? 

Pinky. — To be sure 1 did. I introduced Willie Feather- 
weight and Bertie Lilliewhite to Mr. Tung. 

Rusty.— That will do. 

Seedy.— That will do. 

Crusty. — Take your seat. (Pinky walks daintily to seat) 

RUSTY (rising and hemming), — Thus, your Honor, closes 
the testimony for the prosecution. What have I proved ? 

Crusty [interrupting). — Nothing; nothing at all. 

i y. — I crave your Honor's pardon. What have we 
brought to light? A villainous conspiracy, a treacherous 
fraud. We have shown how this poor widow lady has for 
ten years earned her daily bread by her scrubbing toil, 
and even while her little son Patsy delves among the rec- 
tangular products of the brick-yard. We have shown how 
the insidious villain has well-nigh worked the destruction 



O'HAFFERTY VERSUS TIN TUNG. 1 5 

of this happy home. Like a thief in the night he has 
done his work. Taking a contemptible advantage of a 
young man's business training he vents upon the still air 
the charmed watchword " cash ! " In this one word lies 
the entire plot. This one word "cash" also sounds the 
keynote of our necessities. 

Crusty. — Not our necessities. 

Rusty. — My necessities — that is, my client's necessities. 
The poorhouse yawns for us — for her, I mean. Damages 
are due her. It is "cas/i" she wants. Nothing less (strik- 
ing table with closed hand vehemently) ; nothing less, I say, 
than two hundred dollars — two hundred dollars. {Sits 
doom ) 

Crusty. — I am glad to find that the orators are not all 
dead yet. Even lawyer Seedy seems to be still alive, but 
he hasn't shown it to-day. Haven't you anything to do 
with this case, Mr. Seedy ? 

Seedy. — Yes, your Honor. I will bring up the defence 
now. Mr. Tin Tung, you may step to the witness-stand. 
{Looks around anxiously.) Where is he ? Where's the Chi- 
naman ? 

CRUSTY (rapping table impaiiently). — Ting- A-Ling-Ling, 
come into court. 

(Tin comes trotting In.) 

Seedy.— Stand over here. (Takes Tin to stand.) 

Crusty (eying Tin curiously). — How do you feel to day, 
Mr. Tin Tung? 

Tin (grinning).— Bully, yer Lonor. 

Crusty.— Were you ever in court before ? 

Tin.— You blet. 

Crusty. — Well, this is something remarkable. You seem 
to know more English than any Chinaman I ever saw be- 
fore. (Half confidentially^ Do you smoke opium ? 

Tin (doggedly).— Ki yi tu eye markie hi lo gun. 

Crusty.— Yes, yes, I know all about it; but never mind 



HAITI kl\ [ i\ rUNO. 

DOW. ( To SEl DY.) This is your witness, Mr, Seedy; don't 
intend to ask him any questions? 

DY. — Immediately, your Honor; immediately. (To 
ur busine 
TIN. — Lasheruoman. 

USTY. — That's for washerwoman, is it ? See here, Mr. 
dy, what is this thing (pointing to Tin), male or fe- 
rn a! 

DY. — It's a he, your Honor. There arc very few she 
Chinamen in this country. 

CRUSTY.— Well, that's consoling. Ask it how old it is. 

EDY {to TIN). — How old are you ? 
Tin. — Leighty-flive. 

CRUSTY. — Eighty-five, ha? [Looking at Tin critically^ 
Yes, I guess that's right; but I've seen mummies that 
looked like that, known to have died under thirty. 
Seedy. — You know Mrs. O'Haflerty ? 
Tin. — Blet yer sleet life. 
Seedy. — You wash Mr. Pinky him clothes ? 
Tin. — Me washee Plinky all time. 

Crusty. — Ask it how it got Mr. Pinky 's clothes to wash. 
Seedy. — How you get him clothes ? 
TlN. — Me holler "clash!" Him clum cluick. 
Seedy.— You no tell Mr. Pinky him clothes washed with 
sewer-water by Mrs. O'Haflerty? 
Tin.- Nixy, Scully. 
Crusty. — What does that mean, Mr. Lawyer? 

DY.— He means that he did not tell Mr. Pinky that 
-water fable. 
Crusty. — I think this bamboo-eater, with the piccolo 
ll a cunning rogue, and knows more English than 
dy. Pll put a question or two. (76>Tin.) 
j 
Tin (grinning). — Kow ten lichi souee pow len bango. 
CRUSTY*— That's right. Give it to her while she isn't 



O'HAFFERTY VERSUS TIN TUNG. 1 7 

here. {Aside to lawyers.) I'll c:itch him this time. Tin, 
old boy, how did you lose your queue ? 

Tin {blandly). — Clum off; it's a dlizzy show. 

Crusty {disgustedly). — Come off ; it's a dizzy show ! 
Why, this rat-muncher knows as much slang as a coffee- 
house lawyer, and I shall give my decision at once. (jRis- 
ing.) Now I'm going to make this Chinese hoodlum pay 
that $200 damages, and I'm going to lock him up till he 
gets it. 
(Tin jumps away from witness-stand and out of reach of 

lawyers ; the?i, in readiness to run, puts his thumb to nose t 

and cries out to Judge :) 

" Me no fool. Yer Lonor hold breath till catchee Tin 
Tung. Ta-ta; me off to Clanada." 
{Starts to run out, but is met by Mrs. O'Hafferty, returning 

with new-laimdried shirt in her hand. Tin dodges and 

runs among lawyers, pursued by O'HAFFERTY, with shirt 

spread out, and both disappear?) 

{Curtain. 



THE CONFIDENT CONFIDENCE 

MAN. 



Dramatis Persons. 
Judge Golden. 

LAWYER Bright, Prosecuting Attorney. 
Lawyer Ring, Attorney for Defence. 
Mr. Tiffany, the Accused. 
IIezekiah Greenapple, Witness for People. 
Paddy Hooligan, Detective. 

Judge Golden {motioning to lawyers). — You may begin 
at once. 

Lawyer Bright {rising). — I am here to-day to prosecute 
one of those pests of modern civilization, a confidence man. 
The case is not complicated, and all the necessary wit- 
nesses are now in court. I do not recommend clemency 
should the culprit plead guilty. {Sits down.) 

Golden. — The accused may now stand up. (Tiffany 
stands, leaning on his chair and looking about complacently^) 

GOLDEN. — You are charged with swindling. Are you 
guilty or not guilty? 

Tim any. — Not guilty— certainly not — of course not. 

Golden.— Why do you say u Of course not " ? 

Tiffany. — How could a gentleman be guilty on such a 
slanderous charger It would injure my reputation in 

(sarcastically). — Confidence men are always in- 
nocent. 

(18) 



THE CONFIDENT CONFIDENCE MAN. 1 9 

Lawyer Ring. — Innocent people would have to live in 
balloons if the prosecuting attorney could have his way. 

Golden (to witness). — Young man, your face is familiar. 
What is your name ? 

Tiffany.— Mr. Tiffany. 

Bright. — Ah ! the old gag, your Honor, as his com- 
panions in vice would say. 

Ring. — It seems to have the opposite effect from a gag 
with my learned brother, your Honor. 

Golden. — Well, it's a good name to have, anyway. (To 
witness?) Now, then, Mr. Tiffany, do you remember when 
you were last brought before me ? 

Tiffany. — I think I had the honor of being presented 
to you at the Vanderbilt ball, or it may have been at the 
Astor reception. 

Golden. — Ah! possibly; very possibly. You may sit 
down. (Tiffany resumes his seat.) The prosecuting at- 
torney may proceed with the case. 

Bright. — Hezekiah Joel Greenapple may take the stand. 

Green apple (standing up and looking bewildered}* — 
Whar is the goldarned thing, and what do you want me 
to do with it ? 

Bright. — The witness-stand, Mr. Greenapple ; step to 
the witness-stand. 

Ring. — Ha ! ha ! You have a brilliant witness, Mr. 
Attorney. 

Greenapple (turning curiously to Ring as he passes to 
stand). — Who be you ? 

Bright. — Small potatoes, I'll say for him, Mr. Greenapple. 

Ring. — With big eyes for such a case as this, you might 
add. 

Greenapple. — Here I am, Mr. Lawyer. Now let her 
come slow. 

Bright. — You may tell your experience in your own way. 

Greenapple. — Now thet wuz sed like a town moderatur, 



20 THB CONFIDENT CONFIDENCE max. 

ter feel ter hum. Howsomever, thar 

wui sicta a powerful lot happened soon as I struck this 'ere 

m the! 1 thought the sun must hev stood still about a 

month. I never gut inter sech a hallaballoo in all my born 

. s. But I kept my weather eye open for swindlers all 
the time, and I see a heep of 'urn, too. Bimby I come up 
to one of them sharpers with a faro bank right on the 
et " Ver don't ketch this chicken," sez I. "I ain't 
jest fell off a load of hay." He kept tryin' to pull the wool 
over my eyes all the time, hollerin* out some alfired thing 
about " Fiva cental fiva cental — all hot!" "Let 'urn be 
all hot," sez I; "yer don't ketch me with any of yer gum 
games — " 

Golden. — Never mind your experience with the Italian 
chestnut-vender, but tell us how you met Mr. Tiffany. 

Greenapple. — Gosh ! Wuz he an Eyetalian ? I guess 
he must hev been a count. I hear they's lots of Eyetalian 
counts here on the hors kyars and in the Toombs, whatever 
that is. 

Golden. — Never mind those extraneous matters. 

Greenapple. — Who's astrainin' at matters ? I ain't, fur 

one. But ef ye'r in sech a pesky hurry, I'll cum ter the 

pint now. Yer see I wuz gettin' kinder lonesome like, 

when as slick a-lookin' chap as I ever sot eyes on cum up 

ter me and sez: M Howdy, Mr. Hayseed; how's all the folks 

ter hum, in Cloverville ? " He wuz mighty glad ter see 

me, and shook my hand like it wuz a pump-handle. I wuz 

Ty to tell that young feller he'd made a mistake, 

i he'd feel so disappointed. But when I gut 

a chanr i word in edgeways, I puckered up courage, 

and sez: "My name ain't Hayseed. I'm Hezekiah Joel 

and I live* up in Bushgrow when I'm ter 

hum." He wruz about the politest man I ever did meet, 

and I wuz mighty sorry ter let on ter him my name wuzn't 

I 



THE CONFIDENT CONFIDENCE MAN. 21 

Golden. — Now come to the other fellow. 

Greenapple. — What other feller ? 

Golden. — Why, the one you met soon afterward. 

Greenapple. — Great Scott ! how'd yaou know thet ? 
Beats all how news flies. Why, the other fellow, as yer 
call him, wuz Mr. Tiffany over thar. He knows all about 
me and a lot of people up in Bushgrow, and wuz goin' ter 
take me up-town ter see his father's big jewlry store. 

Bright. — He doesn't understand yet, your Honor, what 
has happened to him. ( To witness.) Where did you go next ? 

Greenapple. — Mr. Tiffany and me walked round for a 
spell, but he told me so thunderin' much 'bout his father's 
place, I couldn't say no*v jest whar we did go. But we 
had plenty of applejack, and finally brought up at a place 
whar they wuz rafflin' off a lot of Jay Gould's property for 
the benefit of the poor. Mr. Tiffany struck a house up in 
Fifth Avenue the fust thing, and when I see him makin 
money hand-over-fist, I jest whipped out my old leather 
wallet, and I'll be hanged ef I wuzn't busted afore I got ary 
a house. 

Bright. — Well, what did you do then ? 

Greenapple. — I wuz feelin' pritty blue, you bet ! but 
Mr. Tiffany sez— sez he: "Never mind, old boy, I'll give 
yer enuf of mine ter make it up. Lets hev some more ap- 
plejack." Out we goes, and I wuz jest puttin' down about 
the last one I could hev stood, when up pops thet thar se- 
lect man over thar (printing to Hooligan), and before I 
knowed what had happened, me and Mr. Tiffany wuz locked 
up ; but what fur I'm hanged ef I know ter this minit. 

Bright. — You were arrested as a witness in this case. 
Your friend, Mr. Tiffany, is a confidence man, and if you 
hadn't been locked up under some pretence or other, we 
should never have been able to get your valuable testimony. 
Unless he is made to do so, the victim rarely appears against 
a confidence man of his stamp. 



lHi: CONFIDEN 1 CONFIDENCE MAN. 

What the doose is that, anyway? 

BRIGHT. — I won't stop to explain now. Did yon lose all 

\ary a red left, but when I see Mr. Titi- 
an y's father I kin get all I want. 

den {impatiently). — There, there, that will do; I've 
heard enough of this kind of evidence. Now then, Mr. 
Appleseed, or whatever your name is, you hurry right out 
and find Mr. Tiffany's father, and if he doesn't give you 
any diamond pins and gold watches, just step over to Jay 
Gould's, and get a few brown-stone fronts, or even a couple 
of railroads, if you can't do any better. 

Greenapple. — I'd like to wait for Mr. Tiffany, Judge. 
Bright. — You might have to wait about ten years for 
him, Mr. Greenapple ; but as his Honor says so, I suppose 
you had better go right along. 
Greenapple. — All right, Judge, I'm off. (Greenapple 

> t-room^) 

Bright {rising). — With all due respect, your Honor, I 

must say it's a little hard the way the victims of these 

bunco games are treated everywhere. I don't wonder so 

o( these swindlers are convicted. They select only the 

simplest or most gullible persons to deal with, and every- 

ly laughs at the misfortunes of a man who will be taken 

in by their tricks. The innocent victim gets the worst of 

it on all sides. Take the unsophisticated old farmer, for 

nee. He is fleeced, made drunk, thrown into jail, 

I into court, and then thrust out on a fool's errand. 

. ought the villain in thi s play to fair ? 

1 {testily). — Well, well, let people read the papers. 
There's enough in them every day about these thi: 
You've got a pretty good case so far, now let it proceed in 
the usual way. 

»HT, — Very well, your Honor. Mr. Paddy Hooligan 
will step to the stand. (HOOLIGAN takes the stand.) 



THE CONFIDENT CONFIDENCE MAN. 23 

Rright. — You are the detective who arrested this er — 

Ring. — Gentleman, if you please. 

Golden.— Yes, he is a gentleman until convicted. 
(Aszde.) He may have influential backers. 

Bright. — Well, then, you are the detective who arrested 
Mr. — Mr. Tiffany, are you ? 

Hooligan. — Oi am sorr, and he's a foine one for the 
loikes of such a name. 

Ring. — Let the witness keep his Hibernian wit for the 
servant-girls and nurse-maids. He's not sunning his mag- 
nificent form in Madison Square now. 

Bright. — His testimony will send your client to a place 
where there is no sun. 

Ring.— Not this year. 

Golden. — If this hair-splitting goes on it will take a year 
to try the case. 

Hooligan. — Oi am wid yer, yer Honor. 

Golden. — That is fortunate for you at least. ( To law- 
yer.) Go on. 

Bright. — Did you go into the place yourself? 
. Hooligan. — Oi did not. Oi wud have got kilt if Oi had 
gone in there. 

Bright. — But you saw them when they came out? 

Hooligan.— Oi did that. 

Bright. — And heard them talk about what had happen- 
ed there? 

Hooligan.— Oi did that. 

Bright. — And what they said was substantially the same 
story the old farmer tells, was it; or, was it not? 

Hooligan. — It waz that. The greenhorn had it 
roight. 

Bright. — My case is now as strong a one as was ever 
brought into a court. I will rest here — my frothy oppo- 
nent may take this witness if he thinks he has not had 
enough already ; I am done. 



:\ THE CONFID S'FIDENCE MAN. 

RING.— I'm glad he's done at last, for he has always bad 
the reputation of being only half baked. 

(looking at the ceiling reflectively). — I wood 

he means me. 

}. — no ! of course not; im] 

blc ! The counsel for the defence must have been thinking 

of a man over in New Jersey. But go on, go on ; time flics. 

.H r {turning to Ring savagely). — You're a viper. But 

I'll have my say the next time you see me in the police court. 

King {calmly). — So'U the Justice. 

Bright.— What's that ? 

Ring. — "Common drunk — ten days." 

Go i f>fii?ig furiously). — Order, order, or I'll have 

you both disbarred. Court adjourns in twenty minutes. 
(BRIGHT scowls at Ring menacingly) 

Ring {quickiy, to witness). — How long have you been on 
the force ? 

Hooligan. — Iver since the last election. 

Ring.— I thought as much. Before you got appointed 
to your present high station, what were you doing ? 

Bright {loudly). — I object. 

Golden {to witness). — Answer the question. 

Hooligan. — Oi was Prisidint of the Vote Often Society 
in the Fifth Ward. 

Ring.— Didn't you arrest a boy the other day for tipping 
r an ash-barrel ? 

firou Hy). — Oi did that, and the villain got 
four years on the Oiland. 

RING. — Yes, I remember that. His father voted the 
wrong way. You ought to have been made a precinct 
captain for so good a piece of work. Have you ever made 
any other an- 

Bright. — That has nothing to do with the case. 

Ring. — Neither have the flowers that bloom in the spring, 
but - 



THE CONFIDENT CONFIDENCE MAN. 25 

Golden (abstractedly). — O, bother the flowers of spring 
— that is — I hereby reprimand the prosecuting attorney for 
introducing this comic opera nonsense into court. It 
offends my dignity to be caught that way. Remember this 
warning. Proceed. 

Ring. — My questions, your Honor, were to prove an un- 
warranted motive on the part of the witness in making this 
arrest. Like yourself, I was taken unawares by my op- 
ponent's contemptible catch. It shall not alter my pur- 
pose, however. ( To witness) What other arrests have you 
made ? 

Hooligan. — A Choinaman. 

Ring.— What for? 

Hooligan.— For killing a Nager. 

Ring. — Was he convicted ? 

Hooligan. — He was not. 

Ring. — Why? 

Hooligan. — It was because the hathen look so much 
aloike that I got the wrong man. 

Ring. — That's all you have done since you've been on 
the force, is it ? 

Hooligan. — And ain't that enough, and there's many a 
man ahead of me yet that niver did the half of it. 

Ring. — It's a fine record, that's a fact. But I suppose 
you were too ambitious to rest on your laurels, and so had 
to find some big game somehow, even if you had to take in 
an innocent person. That's why you arrested this tax- 
payer, this voter, this gentleman, is it ? 

Hooligan. — Oi took him in because he's one of them 
bunco steerers, and the papers- are howling so about them 
that somebody's got to go up. 

Ring (starting forward). — That's just the point I am 
after. 

Bright. — It was a lucky arrest, anyway. We've got the 
bird this time, sure. 



THE CONFIDENT CONFIDENCE MAN. 

Ring.— The cage door isn't closed, though. 

r. — It will be shut soon. 
R; it the bird flies out. 

LIGHT.— All right. We shall see. 
Rin . — So you say this gentleman is a bunco 

ou ? 
Hooligan. — Oi do. 
RING. — Do you know it? 
Hooligan.-— Oi do. 
Ring. — But can you swear to it ? 

i r;an\— Oi can. 
Ring. — Now, see here, Mr. Detective, how can you swear 
this gentleman is a bunco steerer? 

Hooligan. — Moi eyesight is foine, and Oi saw that fel- 
low eating a three-cent bowl of soup one day, and the next 
day he was a-flying so high Oi could hardly tell him from 
an English dook, except from the sphread of his feet from 
walking around after greenhorns so much. 

Bright. — Ha, ha ! Mr. Attorney, you have pulled your 
own house down this time. There's evidence for you. 
Your flat-footed gentleman is quite a curiosity. 

Ring (to Bright). — If big feet are an evidence of crime, 
how the deuce have you escaped the gallows so long ? 

Bright. — Keep up your fire, but I'll win the case, and 
rid the city of one pair of spreading feet. 

Ring. — That will do, witness. You are an honor to the 
>n. I desire his Honor's opinion on the point last 
made. 

(Hooligan struts fi? -ou dly to Jus scat.) 

— I am aware that private detectives in hotel 

rs carefully scrutinize new-comers' feet, and thereby 

often get a clue to an impostor ; but I am not as yet wholly 

1 to admit this spreading-foot theory as evidence. 

I understand that the profession of bunco steering is ex- 

ly profitable, so I can hardly see, even admitting 



THE CONFIDENT CONFIDENCE MAN. 27 

for the time-being that the accused may belong to that 
class, why it should have been necessary for him to walk 
enough to acquire the spreading foot. The defence may 
now have its turn. 

Ring. — Mr. Tiffany, will you kindly take the stand. 

(Tiffany takes the stand) 

Ring. — That brilliant member of the finest, who has 
subjected you to the ignominy of arrest, Mr. Tiffany, has 
said that he once saw you in a certain cheap restaurant, 
eating a three-cent bowl of soup. Is that possible ? 

Tiffany. — Oh, yes, yes ; that is probably true. 

Ring. — How did you happen to be in so vulgar a place, 
instead of in Delmonico's, dining on your favorite reed- 
birds and Pommery Sec ? 

Tiffany.— I was "slumming." It's English, you know. 

Golden. — Slumming? Slumming? And, pray, what is 
slumming? 

Tiffany.— A little diversion originated by the Prince of 
Wales. The Upper Ten get very weary sometimes, and 
must find something new. We call it " slumming" when 
we drift down among the organ-grinders and shoestring 
peddlers to observe their ways of living. 

Golden. — What will society do next to escape from 
ennui. 

Ring. — This covers a most important point in the case. 
The diversions of our gentlemen-about-town must not be 
held in disrepute. The privileges of our young aristocracy 
must be respected, otherwise our city would vie with Phila- 
delphia in solemnity. If Mr. Tiffany chooses to find a lit- 
tle quiet diversion in the slums of our city, why should he 
be molested? The detective has plainly overstepped the 
lines of his duty in making this arrest. I am willing to let 
my case rest here. 

Golden. — By not taking up my time with a long argu- 
ment to show how the farmer might have lost his money 



TH1 CONFIDBN r CONFIDENCE M v 

Otherwise than he did, you have scored a point in your 
I must say, however, that the e 
^nd the detective offers a strong chain of fa 

Mr. Tiffany's character, on the other hand, 
ioC been proved to be bad. 
BRIGHT. — I will bring that out presently, your Honor. 
.. Mr. Witness, how old are you ? I mean in years, not 
in crime ? 

Tiffany. — I am a gentleman, sir, and will not stand 
such insults. 

Bright. — A gentleman, indeed ! I have been looking 
up your record, sir, and I find that you were known as Kid 
Smiler in Boston, Easy Jack in New Orleans, Smooth-bore 
Johnnie in San Francisco, and Gentleman Gus in Chicago 
(vcJiemently). Do you deny that. ^ 
Ring.— You need not answer that. 

Bright. — Oh, he needn't answer if he doesn't want to. 
I'll prove it, though, by these telegrams. 

Ring. — Well, let us see if you can. {Messenger enters 
and /lands Judge a docume?it, which he reads unmindful of 
case.) 

Bright. — I'll give Mr. Tiffany one more chance to an- 
swer. Were you not known in those cities by the names I 
have mentioned ? 

Tiffany. — Probably I was. But I reformed when I 
came to New York. Cannot a man reform and be a. gen- 
tUman t 

TOT. — Oh ! certainly ; and we will now send you to a 
you will have plenty of time to reform. 
fiantfy). — You can't do it. 
I you can't do it. 
—Your Honor, do you mark that ? I've got this 
shark of the street completely cornered, and yet he and his 
attornr-y say I cannot convict him. 

GOLDEN {rising). — Gentlemen, I have just received an 



THE CONFIDENT CONFIDENCE MAN. 29 

important communication from official sources which 
throws a new light on this case. In order that I may have 
time to look up the matter herein referred to, I am obliged 
to adjourn this hearing. 

In the meantime the accused is released on bail. 
Bright {interrupting). — But, your Honor — 
Golden. — No buts about it. This official matter {hold- 
ing up message carelessly, and so all in the rooin can read U) 
is of the utmost importance. (Message: Don't Convict, 
Tiffany is One of Our Gang.) I cannot tell you now 
the contents of this message, but it will be made known in 
good time. The court is adjourned. 

\ Curtain. 



SOLOMON JOBLOTS" GREAT LOSS. 



Dramatis Persons. 

Judge Noodle. 

Lawyer Shine, /<?r Prosecution. 

Lawyer Smock,/^ Dej\ 

Sol >blots, Plaintiff. 

Dr. Mandrake Dose, Defendant. 

John JUPItER, Esq., Witness for Prosecution. 

Julia Caramel, Witness for Deft 

Judge Noodle. — This is a very warm day, gentlemen, 
and I am not in the humor to listen to anything but the 
simplest kind of statements. State your case clearly. 

Lawyer Shine. — My client, Solomon Joblots, a well- 
known business man, enters a claim for $100,000 damages 
against Dr. Mandrake Dose, for malpractice in the case of 
>n, the late lamented Isaac Motzer Joblots, who died 
at the age of eight years, after having been previously 
treated by the defendant. My learned brother, Coun 
Smock, appears for the defendant. 

. — That isn't quite clear. Do you say that your 
learned brother was treated by the ant phys 

previously to th, or foi: afterwards? 

WE.— Oh, no, your Honor. I mean that Isaac Joblots 
was attended by the physician just before his death. 

3e death, your learned brother's or the 
phy- 



SOLOMON JOBLOTS' GREAT LOSS. 3 1 

Shine. — Isaac Joblots' death. 

Noodle. — Then why didn't you say so without beating 
around the bush ? I expect clear statements. Produce 
your witnesses at once. 

Shine. — Very well, your Honor. ( To Joblots.) Take the 

stand, Mr. Joblots. 

(Joblots goes to witness-stand?) 

Shine. — What is your full name ? 

Joblots. — Solomon Joblots, sheap clothing dealer. 

Shine. — Never mind the cheap clothing part. 

Joblots. — Bud it vas on my sign so. 

Shine. — All right. Was your son Isaac a smart boy? 

Joblots. — Shmart ? He was der shmartest leedle poy 
in der counury. 

Shine. — How did he get sick ? 

Joblots. — Ven my leedle Iky vas eighd years old I pud 
heem in charge of der socks und suspenders in my store. 
He vas a very pright poy, un von dey a goundry gusdomer 
came in und Iky grabbed heem quick. " How much vas 
der stockings ? " says der gusdomer. M Dose silk socks vas 
a quarter a pair," says my poy. " Gife me two pairs den," 
says de gusdomer. Iky vas delighted. Dose silk socks 
vas cotton, und cost two cents a pair, but von uf der quar- 
ters of der gusdomer vas lead, und ven Iky found et oud, 
he vas made sick righd avay. Der poor leetle poy could 
not forgot his disgrace. He vas never recovered from dat 
shock. 

Shine. — Did you have any other physician beside Dr. 
Dose ? 

Joblots. — Phat ! Do you dink I vould hafe a whole 
hospeetle for dot vun leetle poy ? 

Shine. — Of course not. Did the boy die soon after Dr. 
Dose's treatment ? 

Joblots. — So he did. My Iky vould hafe been veil and 
promoted to der pants department but for dot doctor. 



32 SOLOMON JOBLOTS' GREAT LOSS. 

Shine.— How was that ? 

.—How was what ? — the doctor, the 
. or the boy? 

Shim;. — How was it that the doctor caused the boy's 
h ? 

Johlots. — Dot vos blain. Der doctor brought his bill in 
vim day unci Iky got holt of it. Ven dot leedle poy saw 
expense he had prought on his old fadder, he just rolled 
his eyes up und died. 

Shine. — Very affecting. I will not go deeper into this 
poor father's grief, but will turn my client over to the 
tender mercies of my opponent. 

Smock (rising). — Could your son Isaac read and write? 

J jblots. — My leetle poy could not read nor write. He 
vas too shmart to vaste his time on vat vudn't pring him 
anydings. 

Smock {triumphantly). — Oh! he was, was he? Then 
how could he tell from the doctor's bill what expense he 
had brought upon his father? You are under oath, re- 
member. 

JOBLOTS. — So helup me Moses! I vos like George Vash- 
ington, und nefer told a lie. 

»ck (sarcastically). — What f not even to a customer? 

JOBLOTS. — Veil, dot vas pisness vid a gusdomer. 

Smock. — It's different here, and you must tell the truth. 
How could your son, who could neither read nor write, tell 
from the doctor's bill what expense he had put you to ? 

JOBLOTS. — He vas a shmardt poy, und could tell py der 

Shi —The witness means that his son 

could tell by the dollar sign, with the numerals follow- 
ing. 

Id vas his pisness to know cost marks. 
tDLE. — That seems plain enough. 
— I am through with the witness. 



SOLOMON JOBLOTS' GREAT LOSS. 33 

Joblots (to Smock). — Don't you vant a nice chameleon 
coat and a pair of leopard pants ? 

Smock. — No ! no ! Take your seat. 

Noodle. — The last statement of the witness is not very 
lucid. What does he mean by a chameleon coat and 
leopard pants? 

Shine. — That was a mere irrelevant remark, your Honor, 
and has nothing to do with the evidence. By a chameleon 
coat the witness means one that changes color after a while, 
as the chameleon is said to. A pair of second-hand pants 
that is somewhat spotted is known to the trade as leopard 
pants. 

Noodle. — Ah ! yes, I see. But I forbid such figurative 
language during this trial. ^^ 

Shine. — I will now call up Mr. John Jupiter. (Jupiter 
takes the standi) 

Shine. — This witness, gentlemen, is Mr. John Jupiter. 

Jupiter. — John Jupiter, Esq., if you please. That is my 
title on this sublunary sphere. 

Noodle. — You mean the earth, I suppose. 

Jupiter. — Exactly ! Exactly ! 

Noodle. — Have you any title anywhere else ? 

Jupiter. — On my own planet I am known as Lord 
Jupiter. 

Noodle. — Lord what Peter ? 

Jupiter {distinctly), — Lord 

Noodle. — Are you related t n Joblots? 

Jupiter.— Not at all. He is merely one of my subjects. 

Shine (interposing). — John Jupiter, Esq., do you know 
Dr. Mandrake Dose ? 

Jupiter. — Very well. 

Shine. — You have taken a great many of his prescrip- 
tions, have you not ? 

Jupiter. — I should say so. 

Shine. — Has his medicine done you any good ? 

3 



OMOM JOB1 

Jupiter. — Cuhm\ ii but a comparative word, [thought 

rdinary mortal like yourseK before I called in 
it now (draw/fig himself up) I know I am Lord 
Jupit 

N B. — You were once wealthy ? 
JUPITER.— Of the silly goods of this world I once pos- 

ed plenty, but I wish them no longer. 
Shin istically), — You would rather Dr. Mandrake 

Dose should have them, I suppose ? 
JUPITER. — Yes. He is my chief of small dominions, and 
Ides over this globe. 
k;k. — Your Honor, I would like to know what is the 
object of this nonsense. 

Shine. — I wish to prove that the defendant is a quack, 
and this witness I have introduced as an expert. 
Smock. — I object to the testimony of a lunatic. 
Shine. — Not a lunatic, by any means ; simply a crank. 
Smock. — Then I object to the testimony of a crank. 
Shine. — The testimony of a crank is entirely admissible 
in an American court. 

Smock. — Let his Honor decide between us. 
Noodle. — The testimony of a crank is valid in an 
American court. We must have witnesses of some kind, 
and what would we do were all the cranks denied the right 
to testify? The witness in this case is an exceptionally 
mild and well-informed crank, and I shall admit his testi- 
mony. 

Shine. — I am so well satisfied with his Honor's able ex- 
uon of the law, that I forbear to question the witness 
further. 

CK. — I will ask the witness a few questions. {To Ju- 
What is your age? 

- I bjflong to the age of steam, the age of elcc- 
tricit the Book Agent, and the aj son. 

i ! No ! 1 mean, how old are you ? 



SOLOMON JOBLOTS' GREAT LOSS. 35 

Jupiter. — As Lord Jupiter, I am as old as the sun. As 
John Jupiter, Esq., I am three years old. 

Smock. — What nonsense ! what rubbish ! 

Jupiter. — Nay, rather what wisdom. 

Smock. — I request that this witness be removed, your 
Honor. 

Noodle. — John Jupiter, Esq., go hence. 

Jupiter. — I go at your command. 

(Jupiter takes his seat.) 

Smock. — This witness, your Honor, is the crankiest 
crank I have ever seen in a court-room. Had he shown a 
glimmer of common sense, I should have brought out the 
facts from his own lips that the prescriptions of the learned 
Dr. Dose had nothing to do with his hallucinations. As 
it is, I shall have to rely upon my own witnesses to prove 
the absurdity of the charge preferred against my client. 
Dr. Mandrake Dose, you will please take the stand in your 
own behalf. 

(DOSE takes the stand.) 

Smock. — Did Solomon Joblots call you to attend his son ? 

Dose.— He did. 

Smock.— Did you go ? 

Dose.— I did. 

Noodle. — Where ? 

Dose.— There. 

Noodle. — When ? 

Dose.— Then. 

Noodle. — Are you sure ? 

Dose. — To be sure. 

Noodle. — That's what I want you to be. 

Dose. — I am. 

Noodle. — Go on, Mr. Smock. 

Smock. — Was the boy very sick ? 

Dose.— Very. 

Smock. — What was his ailment? 



36 SOLOMOH ] GREAT 1 OSS. 

Dose. — Shock, Mr. Smock. 

Smock. — From what? 

.lysis of the monetary -lands. 

Smock. — A dangerous trouble, Is it not? 
: . — Very, with his nationality. 
hi. — How many times did you visit the patient ? 
D SE,- Seven times. 

Smock. — What was the amount of your bill ? 
I )OSE. — Seventy-seven dollars. 

>CK. — Is that an excessive charge ? 
Dose.— It is not. 

CK. — Why did you present the bill before the death 
of the boy ? 

Dose. — Because it was almost time for his father to fail 
again, and I was afraid I would not be in time if I put it off 
much longer. It was too risky. 
Noodle. — Too what-sky ? 
Dose. — Risky. 
Noodle. — Risky what? 
Dose.— Nothing. 

SlfOCK. — That's what you got, too, was it not? 
Dose.— Ves. 

>DLE. — What did you do with it ? 
Dose. — I've got it yet. 
Noodle. — Well, you had better hold on to it. 

ck.— That will do so far as I am concerned, Dr. 
Dose. 
Shine {rising). — You say this boy's illness was due to 
is of the monetary glands. Is that a common ail- 
ment ? 

-With his race, very. 
Shim;.— Do you have many such patients among the 
wealthy 1 ankers and brokers, for instance? 

They generally skip when they feel it 
coming on. 



SOLOMON JOBLOTS' GREAT LOSS. 37 

Noodle. — Skip what ? 

Dose. — Why, try a change of air, and skip the country. 

Shine.— You will admit that the boy died soon after 
seeing your bill ? 

Dose. — He expired as soon as he saw it. 

Shine. — Did Solomon Joblots say anything to you at 
that time about suing you for his son's death ? 

Dose. — He did not. 

Shine. — What did he say ? 

Dose. — Something about the Mother of Moses. 

Shine. — Very good. Now, do you deny that you caused 
the death of the boy ? 

Dose. — Certainly I do. 

Shine. — You are the son of Dr. Esculapius Dose and the 
grandson of Dr. Taraxicum Dose, are you not ? 

Dose. — I am ; and an honorable succession it is. 

Shine. — You advertise yourself as the seventh son of a 
seventh son, I believe. 

Dose. — I do, and can prove what I claim. 

Shine. — Every quack can prove that. 

Dose. — This is slanderous, sir. 

Shine. — Not at all, for I intend to prove that you are a 
quack. 

Dose. — You're a pettifogger. 

Shine.— All right, Dr. Dose ! All right ! Now, can you 
produce a certificate as a regularly graduated physician ? 

Dose. — Certainly, sir. 

Shine. — From what school of medicine ? 

Dose. — I decline to answer. 

Shine. — Then I shall force you to produce your certifi- 
cate. 

Dose. — Well, if you' force me to answer, I graduated 
from the Philadelphia School of Ready-Made Doctors. 

Shine. — That's enough ! You may take your seat. 

(Dose sits down.) 



38 soi 

her witness, your Honor. Miss Julia 
CWardL (Car vmi.l takes the stand.) 
\ 11 have been under Dr. Dose's treatment for 
time, have you not ? 

; amiil. — Well, I should "blush to mention" 
•i>lk. — What do you mean by " blush to mention " ? 
CARAMEL. — I should " weep to murmur." 

DLE, — What does that mean ? 
Caramel. — I mean I should " titter to elucidate." 
Noodle. — Worse and worse. I don't understand you, girl. 
CARAMEL [giggling)* — I mean I should "languish to 
ejaculate " 

Noodle {scratching his head). — I know what it means to 
" hasten to expectorate," but 1 cannot conceive the mean- 
ing of " languish to ejaculate." Answer the question 
plainly, girl : were you ever under Dr. Dose's care? 
Caramel. — I should snicker if I wasn't. 
Noodle. — Well, now, that's something any school-boy 
can understand. Go on, Mr. Smock. 

Smock. — Is not the Doctor a kind and able physician? 
Caramel. — Certainly he is. 

«:k. — You have every confidence in his professional 
ability? 

Caramel. — Yes, indeed, I have. 
Smock. — That is enough. 

SHINE. — Not quite. You say, Miss Caramel, the Doctor 
is a man of professional ability. Can you explain how you 
know it ? 

CARAMEL. — Every time the door opens. 
(mystified).— W T hat door? 
[EL. — Oh, can't you understand? 
'DLE.— No, I cannot. 
SHIN E. — The witness means the Doctor is proficient every 
time. That is all. 

NOODLE.— Weill let her prove it. 



SOLOMON JOBLOTS' GREAT LOSS. 39 

Shine. — How do you know he is so proficient in his art ? 

Caramel. — I see him every day. He buys candy in our 
store every afternoon. 

Noodle. — What kind of candy ? 

Caramel. — All kinds of candy, {rapidly) bon-bons, 
chocolate creams, marshmallows, jujube paste, sugared 
almonds, fig paste, old-fashioned molasses, peppermints, 
striped stick, gum-drops — 

Noodle {falling back in chair and gasping). — Stop her ! 
Stop her ! 

Shine. — That will do, Miss Caramel. Now, tell us if 
Dr. Dose has ever prescribed any medicine for you ? 

Caramel. — Medicine ? No ! 

Shine. — Then how do you know he is a competent 
physician ? 

Caramel. — Because — because — because he is, he is. 

Shine.- -Good, good, very good, indeed. Then you were 
intimate with the Doctor outside of a mere business ac- 
quaintanceship? 

Caramel. — Of course, and why not? We are engaged. 

Shine {wild with excitement). — Engaged ! Engaged ! 
This case is mine, your Honor. Who ever heard of bring- 
ing a man's sweetheart, who has never partaken of his 
medicines, to testify to his ability ? Why, an engaged girl 
will believe anything her lover tells her. Of course she 
will say he is proficient in his art. But we have the poor 
demented John Jupiter to prove his charlatanism. We de- 
mand our damages. 

SMOCK {who has been handed an e7ivelope by telegraph mes- 
senger, jumps up). — Hold on ! hold on ! The dead has 
come to life. {Reads from telegram) " Isaac Joblots, eight 
years old, was found by detective, playing marbles in his 
uncle's back yard." This is no case. No case at all. 

Jo BLOTS {tearing his hair). — Mein Got ! Mein Got ! I 
vas ruined. I told dot leetle poy to keep hided. [Curtain. 



THAT GREAT WATER-MELON CASE. 



Dramatis Persons. 



Judge Curlywig. 
Lawyer Goosequill, for Prosecution. 
Lawyer Chanticleer, for Defence. 
Obadiah Root, Prisoner at Bar. 
Timothy Seed, Witness for Prosecution. 
Hans Aubenblauben, Witness for Prosecution. 
Jerusha Seed, Wife of .Timothy. 
Sally Muggins, Witness for Defence. 

Judge Curlywig.— Obadiah Root, stand up. You are 
charged with the heenious crime of purlineing water- 
melons from the patch btlonging to your fellow-towns- 
man, Deacon Timothy Seed. Are you guilty of the charge, 
or not guilty ? 

Obabiah Root. — Wal, Jedge, I reckin as haow you've 
got a white sheep this time. 

Judge. — Answer my question as I put it. 

Obadiah. — Not guilty, Jedge. 

Judge. — You may proceed with the case. 

L.w. i ill. — I have little to say in opening 

ase, for the evidence I shall bring will make it all 

clear. I will impress upon the enlightened jury, how 

the importance of sustaining the good repute of our be- 

] village. How can this be done if thieves are allowed 

to run riot among our neigl -melon vines ? An 

example must be made when a culprit is found. Otherwise 

(4W 



THAT GREAT WATER-MELON CASE. 4 1 

the township of Carrotville will become the resort of high- 
waymen, kidnappers, book-peddlers, clock-venders, and 
perhaps even the deadly bunco-steerer. Who can tell ? 
Do you want your hen-roosts pillaged of their feathered 
beauties ? Your pig-pens rifled of their porcine glory ? 
Your apple-trees denuded of their toothsome fruit ? No ! 
gentlemen. A thousand times no ! We all can appreciate 
the grief of a father who is forced to punish the errors of 
a wayward son, but what can compare with the sorrow of 
a community which is compelled to administer justice to 
an erring member. Gentlemen, we have an erring brother 
in our midst; but we must not allow our sympathies to 
interfere with the prerogatives of the law. The law — the 
law, I say, gentlemen — must come to the protection of this 
peace-abiding community. {Pause.) I will not tell you the 
story of this villainous iniquity, but^will let you hear it from 
the lips of the aggrieved party himself. Mr. Timothy Seed, 
you will please take the stand. 

(Seed takes the standi 

Lawyer Goosequill. — Deacon, you will be kind enough 
to tell the honorable court and juiy the story of your griev- 
ance. 

Seed. — I was out on the porch tallerin' up my Sabbath 
boots jest at sundown, when out comes Jerusha kind of in 
a flurry. My wife, Jerusha, is a cute 'un, she is, and she's 
got— 

Lawyer Chanticleer.— I object, your Honor. The 
character of Jerusha Seed has nothing to do with this case. 

Judge. — Well, we all know Jerusha Seed, and it won't 
do any harm to hear her praised a little. Let the Deacon 
tell his story in his own way. Go on, Deacon. 

Seed. — As I say, she is a cute 'un, and has got an eye as 
don't need specks to see a fly in mince-meat ; so when she 
says there's suthin' movin' in the melon-patch, I know'd 
she was talkin' sense, and when she talks sense I alius 



rHAT OR] \ r w \ri i< Mil on I 

listen-. I suspirioned 'twas nothin' but a woodchuck, and 
u ked the taller away round to the heel of the nigh hoot 
Urtin' out. Says Jerusha: u Timothy Seed, there's 
suthin' wrong in that melon-patch." Says I : "If yer 
Uy think so, I'll go see." So off I goes, 'spectin' to git 
a kick at a woodchuck; but it warn't no woodchuck, but 
. liah Root, try in' to hide behind my prize melon. 
M Wal." says I, " this is cool." " Not so cool," says he, tl as 
it might be if we had a trifle o' rain." "No sass," says I. 
u What yer doin' here jest around nightfall ? " M Lookin' fur 
angle-worms to go fishin' with," says he. "That's a lie," 
- I ; " fur yer know darned well there ain't no angle- 
worms round these parts, 'ceptin' in the barn-yard." 
Then I looked round and see all my best melons gone 
but the prize one. " You and that Muggins boy have been 
hookin' my melons," says I ; "and I am jest goin' to bring 
your nose to the grindstone afore Squire Curlywig." Now, 
Squire, that's the long and short of the story, and I've cum 
here fur jestice. It ain't the worth of the melons as I care 
about, but jestice I will have ; so spread it on thick while 
you're about it. 

JUDGE. — That'll do on that p'int, Deacon. You 'tend to 

your evidence, and I'll 'tend to the dispensin' with justice. 

)SEQUI ll. — How long have you known Obadiah Root ? 

: >. — I've know'd the hull lot of em from the cradle up. 

GOOSEQUILL. — Ever had any trouble with any of em? 

i >. — None ter speak of. Sary Ann Root borrowed a 

new-fangled butter-stamp from Jerushy, and never brung 

it back ; but that all blowed over when we gave the pound 

(OIL 

lave you ever entertained any ill-feeling 
he accu-( 
Seed.— Never did, no ! Why, 'twas only last week when 
he cum over to the house. Jerushy cut a sage cheese, and 
give him a pint of spruce beer. 



THAT GREAT WATER-MELON CASE. 



43 



GOOSEQUILL.— That is all I want with this witness. 
Now, your Honor and gentlemen of the jury, I think you 
will agree with me, that the prisoner has been actuated by 
motives of pure cussedness to the crime he has committed. 
That will do, Deacon. 

(Seed starts to resume his seat.) 

Lawyer Chanticleer. — Not so fast, Deacon Seed. A 
few questions from me. What is your age ? 

Seed. — I disremember now, but Jerushy knows. 

Chanticleer. — Never mind what Jerushy knows. What 
I want to find out is what you know. 

Seed. — Wal, as to that, 1 knows readin', spellin', writin', 
geography, and cipherin'. Jerushy — 

Chanticleer. — Never mind Jerusha. 

Seed. — Never mind Jerushy ? Gosh, I've got to mind 
her! 

Chanticleer. — IJow many water-melons were missing? 

Goosequill. — I object. How can any man be expected 
to remember how many melons he had in his patch ? 

Judge —Let the Deacon answer the question. 

Seed. — I disrecollect as to that, Squire. 

Chanticleer. — My object, gentlemen, in putting these 
questions was to show that the witness is insane. 

Seed (excitedly). — Look a here, Lawyer Chanticleer, don't 
you call me insane, or I'll knock that rhubarb nose of 
yourn into the t'other part of next week. 

Judge. — That'll do, Deacon. No abusive language here. 
Take your seat. 

(Seed sits down muttering ; Dang it, I don't allow no 
one to call me insane.) 

Goosequill. — Hans Aubenblauben will take the stand. 

(Hans stands up.) 

Goosequill. — Are you not a store-keeper in the next 
town ? 

Hans.— Dot I vas. 



44 rHAT GREAT WATER- MELON CAS1 

ii L. — Do you know the accused ? 
Han-. S i I do. 
GOOSI QUILL. — When did you last sec him ? 

Hans.— He comes to my store. 

.—Tell us all about it. 
Hans.— Veil, dot teller, he come to my store und he say, 
44 Hans, vot is der brice uf tobacco ? " I tells him der bfice. 
" Hans," he say, " I don't got some money." M No shekel-." 
I, "Vot you comes here for?" " For inkstance," he 
say. u I don't got sonje inkstands," say I. He open his 
mouth vide mit laughing ; I tinks he vas makin' some fun mit 
me, und vas going to bounce him oud. Den he asked me 
vot I vud gif fur vater-melons, und I say I vud gif him a 
drink uf vhiskey fur vun. Den I tinks he vill brought me 
all djse vater-melons I vant. 

osequill. — Did he leave the store then ? 
Hans. — He vent strade oud mid himself. 
Goosequill {rtsing), — I will rest my case here. The 
chain of evidence is unbroken and must carry conviction 
to the mind of the honorable court and jury. I am done 
with this witness. (Resumes his seat.) 

CHANTICLEER. — Have you ever bought any water-melons 
from the accused in the manner you proposed, Mr. Blau- 
benblauben ? 

\s. — Dot vas not my name, Lawyer Stcino'beer. It 
vas Aubenblauben. 

Judge (/ai/jf/i/ji^).—Wt\\, you're even on names, Mr. 
iticleer. 
lNTICLEER {provoked). — This is nonsense. Answer 
my question. Have— you— ever — obtained— any— water- 
as from the accused ? 
H in. 

kw many? 
HAMS*— 1 never buys some uf dot feller. 

rify). — Why, you just told us you bought 



THAT GREAT WATER-MELON CASE. 45 

nine. What do you mean, sir ? You can't bamboozle this 
court. 

Goosequill {rising). — Allow me to state, your Honor, 
that the German word for " No " is similar in articulation 
to the last digit in our numerical calculation. 

Judge. — Lawyer Goosequill, I am running this court on 
no dictionary, but on plain boiled-down common-sense. 
Your explanation is about as clear as ditch-water. Go on 
with this case. 

Chanticleer. — Did the accused tell you he would bring 
you some water-melons ? 

Hans. — Xein. He vas got his hand in dose cracker- 
barrels, and ven I jumps over der counter — 

Chanticleer. — Never mind that. You have stated 
that the accused never brought you any water-melons, 
which is all I desired to know. You may sit down. 

(Hans sits down on witness-stand) 

Curly wig (desperately). — Here, you Rubber-blubber. 
Start your boots from there. Take your seat. 

Hans {in a bei.viidered manner). — Bretzels und pum- 
penickel ! Vy don't you say get oud ven you mean getoud. 
(Goosequill conducts him to seat.) 

Chanticleer. — Obadiah Root will now take the stand 
in his own defence. 

(ROOT takes the stand.) 

Chanticleer. — Now, Mr. Root, 1 want you to tell us 
why you were in the melon-patch at sundown ; and what 
you were doing there ? 

Root. — Wal, that's as easy as ketchin' eels. The hull 
thing wus about this wise. I've bin a sparkin' Sally Mug- 
gins ever since I wus a four-year-old, and she's about as 
putty a piece of caliker as you'll find in these parts. But 
the old folk hev bin sot agin it all the time, so we has to 
do our courtin' mighty careful. We used ter meet jest be- 
hind the school-hus', but old Muggins got wind of it, so 



46 ra M" CRE \T WATER-MI 

• -■ me. " Ohy, fct'a make our courtin'-parlor 
beacon's prize water-melon." "Kerrw 

1. "You can ealkerlate Oil me bein' thar." So I puts 
tooat, slicks up my hair, and starts fur 
the melon-patch ter wait fur Sally. I haden't bin waitin' 
thai than you'd wait fur an eel-bite, when down 

cums the Deacon helter-skelter. " Wal, Obadiah," says I 
to myself, "you're in fur it this time, sartin sure." I lenow'd 
the Deacon was down on the Mugginses, and I was afcard 
Sally would come along jest about that time, but I never 
thought I'd get in this sort o' scrape. Howsomevcr, here 
I am and that's all I've got to say. 

Chanticleer.— Did you ever take any melons from the 
Deacon's patch ? 

Root. — Nary a melon. 

Judge. — Why did you tell the Deacon you were hunting 
for angle-worms ? 

mm ah. — 'Cause I didn't want ter let on what I wus 
there for. 

Chanticleer- -Enough for the present. 
Goosequill. — You admit you were nosing around the 
melon-patch ? 

Obadiah. — Oh, I wus thar, that's sartin. 

►SEQUILL. — What were you looking after? 
Obadiah. — Xothin'. 

Goosequill {sarcastically). — Well, did you find much of 
it? 

i tail — Slathers on't. 

uill. — How much, Mr. Smartone? 
II. — Jest about enough ter make a good head fur 
a village lawyer. 

Goosequill {warmly). — The village fools ain't all sup- 
That '11 do fur backbitin'. 
ill. — Very well, your Honor, I'm satisfied. 



THAT GREAT WATER-MELON CASE. 47 

Chanticleer. — It's a good thing for the prosecuting 
attorney that he had the last word. 

Goosequill (to witness). — How about the angle-worms ? 

Obadiah. — They're wigglin' yet, T reckin. 

Goosequill. — You admit then that you were not after 
angle-worms in the melon-patch ? 

Obadiah. — Sartin I do. 

Goosequill. — What brought you there then ? 

Obadiah. — Same as brought me to this yere court-house. 

Goosequill. — What's that? 

Obadiah. — Shank's mare. 

GOOSEQUILL {tapping table nervously with pencil). — Do 
you grow any water-melons at home ? 

Obadiah. — Nothin' thrives thar but rattlesnakes and 
blueberries. 

Goosequill (in desperation). — Do you like melons? 

Obadiah. — I'd rather have a chaw of tobaker than a 
whole cart-load of 'em. 

Goosequill. — I suppose you would rather have a drink 
of whiskey, too ? 

Obadiah {grinning). — Gosh, I'd rather have a drink of 
whiskey than the hull goll-darned melon-patch. 

Goosequill (exultantly). — Aha ! and you admit also 
that you were in the Dutchman's store, as he says ? 

Obadiah. — Never said nothin' to the contrary. 

Goosequill. — Did you ask him the price of whiskey ? 

Obadiah. — Guess I did, but I didn't touch no crackers. 

Goosequill. — Did you hint to him that you would trade 
off water-melons for whiskey ? 

Chanticleer. — Hold up, Obadiah. You needn't answer 
that question. 

Goosequill. — I insist, your Honor. 

Judge. — I don't want to see no spokes missing from the 
wheels of justice. But we can't blame any one for not 
knowing what he said to that crazy Dutchman. 



48 THAI" GREAT WATER-MELON CAS1 

". : 1 . I shall appeal this case on the strength 
of this ruling. 

1 won't appeal any case from this court. 
The whole thing is going to be settled right here, and 
juick, too, or my name's not Squire Curly wig. 

[JILL.— Very well, your Honor. I have but one 
more question. (To witness!) Why did you choose the 
melon-patch for your courtin'-parlor ? 

lDIAH, — Now, look a here, Goosequill, you've tried 
spark Sally yerself, and got left, and I ain't goin' ter 
stand no more sass from you. Not by a jugfull. 

(Both Uzvyers start up excitedly!) 
;e (raps for order). — Order. Order in this court. 
Sit down, Obadiah Root. Call your next witness, Mr. 
Chanticleer. 
Chanticleer. — Miss Sally Muggins will be kind enough 

to take the stand. 

(Sally takes stand.) 

Chanticleer (continues). — You have known the accused 
for a long time, have you not? 

SALLY.— Oh ! yes, sir, that I have. 

Chanticleer. — Did you ever agree to meet him in the 
Deacon's melon-patch ? 

Sally. — Yes, sir, I did, and I told Oby — that is (con- 
fusedly) I said — no, I mean he said — leastwise, we both 
1 — 
Chanticleer.— Well ! Well ! You need not say what 
I. I only want to know whether you met him there 
or n 

i.y. — That I did, and I was just going to holler Oo ! 

! like an owl, so he'd know I was comin', when I saw 

the Deacon tearin' down through the melon-patch like 

mad. 1 Obadiah, and I almost fainted away, 

md and ran all the way home. Pa was just 

com of the house. 



THAT GREAT WATER-MELON CASE. 49 

Chanticleer. — Hold on! that will do. (Turning to 
Goosequill.) The witness is yours. 

Goosequill. — Now, Miss Muggins, you may tell us what 
you said to Obadiah, when you agreed to meet him in the 
melon-patch. 

Sally {coquettishly). — Well, I guess not. 

Goosequill. — You must. You're in court. 

Judge. — Yes ! Sally, tell us what you said. 

Sally. — That's real mean now, Squire. {Hanging her 
/wad.) If you must know, I suppose I must tell. I told 
him not to put any grease on his hair. 

(Smiles from court and lawyers?) 

Chanticleer. — Never mind, Sally. We've all had our 
sparking days. 

Sally. — Can I sit down now ? 

Goosequill. — Not yet. What did your pa say when 
you came running home ? 

Sally [defiantly?). — I won't answer that, anyway. Yes, I 
will, too. He was mad, and he says : " If I catch you with 
Obadiah Root I'll wallop you both ; and if that numskull 
of a Goosequill ever speaks to you I'll cowhide him, even 
if he does bring me up before that old fool of a Curlywig." 

{Chorus from lawyers and court : Sit down, Sally ; sit 
down.) (Sally marches to her seat.) 

Judge. — Well, I guess we've had enough for one case. 
Mr. Goosequill, if you have anything to say, hurry up be- 
fore I give this case to the jury. 

GOOSEQUILL {rising, with hand i?i breast-pocket). — May 
it please your Honor : the evidence is all in, and it lies 
with you, gentlemen, to save this village from becoming a 
modern Sodom. 

When, since the days of Eve and the stolen apple, was 
guilt clearer ? 

That was the first great case on the pages of time. This 
is the last. 



5° 



I WATER-MELO 



In v v similar. Th le apples, 

You all know hi 

rime than Kvc's. Thi nth 

i. The other must be driven fr 
tilling meadows and blossoming fields of Carrot- 
•. What does he admit? What does the story of the 
witnesses prove ? He does not care to eat water-melons, 
but prefers whiskey and tobacco. He has no money, but 
goes to a neighboring town to make a dupe of an inno- 
cent store-keeper. He does not ask him to swap whiskey 
f« >r melons. Oh, no ! he's too smart for that ! Like the 
cunning spider, he lures his victim on. The understanding 
is reached. It is this. I have no money. You give me 
whiskey and tobacco, and I'll give you water-melons. But 
he has no melons to give. Never mind, the honest village 
Deacon has plenty. 

He can get them there at nightfall. Alas ! the villainy 
of it all. 

The bargain made, the plan laid, where is the culprit 
found ? He has admitted it. In the melon-patch of his 
respected neighbor. But perhaps you say, we are convinced 
he took the melons that are gone, but why did he leave the 
prize melon to the last? Ah ! that is the great link in my 
_/hty chain of evidence. It shows, more than all else, 
the inborn wickedness of this criminal heart. Why, then, 

' he not take the prize melon — the pride of our villa 
the hope of the Deacon and Jerusha? He couldn't, gen- 
ay he couldn't. It was too big to lug. (Pauses) 
Vc: ay, what was he doing there, then ? You 

cannot understand why, gentlemen of the jury, because 
are too pure. Let me try to explain. Have 
any of you ever been to a town ball, where the beauty and 
lth and fashion of Carrotville have gathered ; where 
apple-pie and doughnuts and cider are as free as the air; 



THAT GREAT WATER-MELON CASE. 5 1 

where in your new dancing -pumps you have capered 
through the Chorus Jig, Speed the Plough, and Boston 
Fancy, to the music of a fiddler from the city ? I know 
you have. And when the time came to go home, have you 
not hated to go ? I know you have. Well, the criminal 
heart has a feeling like that. Obadiah Root hated to go. 
He could not take the melon, but he hated to leave it. He 
stayed, and longed for it, and that was his ruin. What 
more need I say ? The destiny of our beloved village is 
now in your hands. With such a name as this crime, un- 
punished, would give to our peace-loving community, where 
will you look for your huskings, your barn-raisings, your 
apple-pearings, your quilting-parties, and, lastly, your sum- 
mer boarders? No! no! gentlemen; this crime must not 
go unpunished. Remember, remember the future of Car- 
rotville is now in your hands. {Sits down, wiping hisj'ace 
with a ha?idkcrchief^) 

Chanticleer (rising). — My long-winded opponent has 
gone back to the Garden of Eden to help along his case. I 
shall not go beyond the garden of Deacon Seed. You find 
there a young man who has grown up among us from the 
cradle. He is accused of the crime of stealing w ater-melons. 
Yet no one has seen him take even a single melon. What, 
then, was he doing in the melon-patch ? Nothing ! He 
has said that. What was he waiting for ? For the prettiest 
girl in Carrotville. Is there any crime in that ? Is there 
any one here that wouldn't wait in the Deacon's melon- 
patch, or even in his frog-pond, for that matter, for Sally 
Muggins ? I guess not. Why, my eloquent opponent here, 
as the trial has shown, has been waiting for years for Sally 
Muggins, and nobody has accused him of stealing water- 
melons. Obadiah has said that he went to the melon-patch 
to meet Sally. And Sally has said that she went there to 
meet Obadiah. What is there more natural than a meet- 
ing-place at the prize melon ? There was no chance for 



5 2 

either of them to miss it. Is it likely that Obadiah would 
Of] hig f: istcoat, and would have slicked up his 

hair (without gf to hook 

there to sit on the fence and sec him I 
- That's a lib j\ Why, then, sh< 

interfere in tl ailair? They have trouble i 

with the old folks. We have all had our courti: 
and now let us take our fingers out of the pie. We must 
look for the guilty party somewhere else. The good name 
of Carrotville must be preserved, but the innocent must 
not suffer; and never, never will you have another chance 
like this to show to the world that the course of true love 
cannot run smooth — no, not even in Carrotville. {Sits 

Judge {rising). — The great town of Carrotville has been 
shaken to its foundation by an earthquake, a whirlwind, a 
waterspout of crime. You are here to say whether Obadiah 
Root did or did not take them water-melons. Never has 
such an important case been before this court. It must be 
settled here. I won't have any appealing done while I 
hold the reins of justice in this town. If Obadiah Root 
likes whiskey and tobacco, that's nothing against him. We 
all like 'em. If he goes courting a pretty girl on the sly, 
you can't lay that up against him. Who wouldn't do that? 
But when Deacon Seed finds him right in his melon-patch, 
and a good many of the melons gone, there is some- 
thing to get a grip onto. The Dutchman's story don't 
amount to shucks. You needn't take any stock in that un- 
you want to. But, by jimmimy ! there is one thing 
you can't g< What become of them melons what 

Deacon Seed don't know. Lawyer Goosequill 
don't know. Obadiah won't tell. The Dutchman ain't got 
them. Then I say again, where be they? There ain't 
niggers enough in this village to eat 'em all. {Getting ex- 
cited.) What become of them water-melons, I say? 



THAT GREAT WATER-MELON CASE. 53 

Jerusha Seed {pushes her way into court at this point, 
y.t :) What water-melons, Squire Curlywig ? What's 
all this fuss and flurry about ? Spit it out, 'cos I'm right 
here, and I'm goin' to hev my - 

Judge. — Sit down, Jerusha. This is a court of justice. 
Somebody's stole the Deacon's melons. 

Jerusha. — Why, the old fool ! Where is he ? 

(Deacon Seel /.) 

Jerusha (continuing). — He's got a mem'ry 'bout as big 
as a chicken's eye. I told him he'd git into a nx with sich 
a mem'ry as that. 

Judge. — Jerusha Seed, do you know where them water- 
melons i 

Jerusha. — Why, you old nonsense peddler, that block- 
head of a Deacon told our hired man to pick all the ripe 
ones nigh onto a week ago, and they're all stowed away 
safe to hum. That 'tarnal idiot's the most forgetfuilest 
man in the hull town of Carrotville, and he'll ketch it, 
too, when I git hum. [Marches out, muttering : Just let 
me git'my hands on him.) 

Judge. — That's all the justice I'm going to dispense with 
till snow rlies. Git out, the hull lot of you ! 

(La layers a n . I disperse) 

[Curtain. 



SERAPHINA FRIVOL versus "AGUE- 
VILLE ARGUS." 



Dramatis Pers)n^e. 
Judge Waite. 

Lawyer Bluster, Prosecuting Attorney. 
LAWYER Shrewd, Counsel for Defence. 
SERAPHINA Frivol, Simpering Poetess. 
LONGINUS TURTLE, Long-haired Editor " Torch of 

Truthr 
Miss Maypole, Spinster friend of Seraphina Frivol. 
Jack Pi, Printer 's Devil. 

Judge Waite. — The next case on the calendar is the 
case of Seraphina Frivol versus the Agueville Argus. Are 
you all ready, gentlemen ? 

{Lawyers bow acquiescence.) 

Judge Waite.— You may proceed. 

LAWYER Bluster. — The circumstances of this case are 
such as to appeal to every man who has a hearthstone to 
and a name to venerate. My client, Miss Seraphina 
Frivol, a lady of rare genius, who has been aptly termed 
and widely known as the " Singing Swan of Agueville," re- 
luctantly appears before you here to take the only means 
in her power to vindicate her libelled fame. 

Her natural modesty, a characteristic of genius, would 
not have permitted her to take this course had she not 



SERAPHINA FRIVOL VERSUS ' AGUEVILLE ARGUS." 55 

been driven to it by the solicitations of her myriad friends. 
What recourse had she? What recourse have the sick? 
The physician. The oppressed and slandered ? The law. 
(Pauses?) 

A viperous sheet published in our town has for months 
past been vilifying this good lady's fame. It is our pur- 
pose to prove that the degraded editor of this scurrilous 
sheet has upon many occasions published the grossest 
libels, yea, verily, actionable libels against my client. To 
you I appeal, gentlemen. What amends can be made for 
such dishonorable behavior? Damages. Damages. Noth- 
ing but damages can heal this lacerated heart. I shall show 
you that in the issue of September 2d of this year the Ague- 
ville Argus has been guilty of the most vicious libel. To go 
into a detailed account of the terrible effect produced by 
these base slanders upon the health and genius of my client 
would be beyond my powers. Her health has been wrecked, 
her genius prostrated. It is a question of considerable dif- 
ficulty to fix upon a just equivalent in money to offset the 
irrevocable evils wrought by the sting of this serpent. A 
female heart lies bleeding before you. It is for you to al- 
leviate its sufferings. Gentlemen, we place the damages in 
this case at §25,000. If there should chance to be an ap- 
praiser in your number, he will know that this is not an 
overestimate. For our first witness we shall call the ag- 
grieved lady herself to the stand. 

{Leads MISS SERAPHINA to the stand.) 

Bluster {to witness). — Courage ! my dear lady ! Courage ! 
The strong arm of the law is at your side to protect you. 
Will you please tell these gentlemen in a brief and simple 
manner the story of your wrongs ? 

Miss Seraphina Frivol. — My acquaintance with the 
defendant dates from infancy. He is bound up, though 
not always pleasantly, with all my memories of the past. 
My memory also cherishes the image of Longinus Turtle. 



56 SERAPH INA rRIVOL VERSUS "AGUEVILLE ARGUS." 

We three were inseparable, perhaps drawn together by the 
genius, which is often manifested in early child- 
.1. We attended the same school, and in the afternoon, 
when the other more froli ksome children disported them- 
selves upon the vill n, we three might have been 

tding the declivity from the little red school- 
>ward the antique wood, a short distance oil, to in- 
dulge in childish reveries. Amid such scenes it is not 
surprising that my genius should have found expression in 
verse at an early age. And it was while reading one of 
these juvenile productions that I discovered the slumber- 
ing rivalry for my affections between my two friends. 
Henceforth they were bitter enemies. In Longinus Turtle 
1 discovered a kindred spirit, a rare affinity, and my childish 
heart gave him the preference. From this time the ani- 
mosity Topham Shootingstick had shown his happy rival, 
was extended to me also. Passing from these early to more 
mature years, we find Longinus Turtle established as pro- 
prietor and editor of the Torch of Truth, while Topham 
Shootingstick was struggling under the burden of the 
u -'ilk Argus. And now began a series of persecutions, 
overt and direct, unchivalrous and dastardly {her voice 
choked with sobs) ; for no sooner did Topham Shootingstick 
see the rapid increase in circulation of the Torch of Truth, 
brought about by my contributions, than he commenced, 
ematically and persistently, to abuse me ; until, my 
health gone, my heart pierced, my genius palsied, I have 
n prevailed upon to appeal to the laws of the land as my 
refuge. {Here she completely breaks (Lnuni) 

Et. — Who can behold this picture of distress, 
Viobc, and be moved not? My lady, b 
while I ask you a few questions. Is it not a fact 
that you have been, time and again, solicited by the de- 
ant for contributions to his columns? 
Sj.; .. — It is. 



SERAPHINA FRIVOL VERSUS " AGUEVILLE ARGUS." 57 

Bluster. — Has Mr. Shootingstick ever asked yotir hand 
in marriage ? 

Seraphina. — He has. 

Bluster. — That is sufficient. 

Mr. Shrewd {rising). — You have stated that you have 
been solicited by defendant for contributions to his 
columns. Have you anything in writing to support your 
statement ? 

Seraphina.- No, sir. 

Shrewd. — Very good ! You have also stated that de- 
fendant asked your hand in marriage. State the occasion. 

Seraphina. — It was at our church fair, last year. I was 
presiding over the Poets' Corner, in the character of 
Sappho, when Mr. Shootingstick came up to me, and after 
holding a short conversation, presented me with a motto 
wrapped in paper. Upon opening it I discovered a pepper- 
mint heart, upon which were inscribed the tender words, 
"Wilt thou be mine ? " 

Shrew/d. — A novel method of proposing. Now, please 
tell us your reply. 

Seraphina. — I maintained an indignant silence. 

Shrewd. — Pray, what became of the heart? 

Seraphina. — In one of my abstracted moods, I uncon- 
sciously ate it. 

Shrewd. — So, instead of making him swallow his words 
you swallowed them yourself. Gentlemen, have any of 
you proposed in a similar manner, and been rejected in the 
same way ? ( Takes his scat) 

Judge. — The witness may step down. 

(Seraphina resumes her seat.) 

BLUSTER {arises, with a bundle of papers in his hand. 
Selects one, and proceeds) — Here is a copy, gentlemen, of 
the Agueville Argus of September 2d. On the front page 
of this paper, in glaring headlines, appears the following, 
{reads) "' Insanity, not Poetry.' 'Are our Insane Asylums 



" 

( toercrow Led for one more Applicant ?' 'ASpinst< 
Twiddle Twaddle.' In the Last number of our esteemed 
content] ppeared the following 

imbecile lin 

'DROPS FROM A BLEEDING HEART, 
i. 

4 Within the circle of my heart 

There was a tender spot. 
I kept it long for him I loved, 
But now I have it not. 

n. 

■ Oh ! heart of mine, your loving strings 
Have broke at last, I know, 
For running red, the ruby drops 
My deathless anguish show. 

in. 
* Oh ! heart of mine, now tell me true. 

My love is dead, perchance ; 
Then, what is all the world to me ? 
A dreary, void expanse. 

IV. 

1 Oh ! heart of mine, the moonlight shines 
And shimmers on the river, 
And men may come, and men must go, 
But thou shalt bleed forever. 

1 Now, this is a capital specimen of the poetry written by 
the Singing Swan of Agueville. We have heard that the 
swan only sings once, and that while it moves along the 
wards the ocean of oblivion.' 

1 God grant that this may be the case in this instance. Of 



SERAPHINA FRIVOL VERSUS " AGUEVILLE ARGUS." 59 

this we are not by any means hopeful. In a careful read- 
ing of the author's verses, we discovered so great an ob- 
scurity that we were constrained to use the verse handed 
us by our office boy (a composition of his own), which cer- 
tainly rendered it in a measure lucid. 

'OFFICE BOY'S VERSE. 

* Oh ! heart of mine ! Oh ! lonely heart ! 
I would that thou wert mated ; 
Alas ! I play a lonely part, 
By all men shunned or hated. 

' This verse will materially assist the reader to compre- 
hend her meaning. In fact, it contains in the compass of 
a single stanza the entire thought embodied in her poem. 
She is lovelorn. 

1 She desires the love of man, but this she can never hope 
to gain. To the readers of her poetry the reason why the 
sterner sex neglects her is obvious. 

' What man in his sane moments could overcome his 
disgust at such maudlin sentiments ? 

1 But let us examine more closely her verses. She goes 
to a butcher-shop for her similes. How very poetic ! Im- 
agine such a heart as she describes. Only one tender spot, 
kept long, and full of strings. Brother Turtle, of the 
Torch of Truth, should get the Singing Swan to write an 
ode to " The Jaundice," and doubtless he would materially 
increase the circulation of his paper.' " 

Bluster {laying down paper, ana 7 continuing). — Such is 
the ground for our suit. I might read to you in the A?gus 
of September 19th how he has further libelled my client 
by the use of such phrases as, "a crack-brained spinster," 
" verses inspired by chills and fever." Also in the issue of 
September 1 6th :" A befogged virgin lights her lamp at 
the Torch of Truth." " A would-be poetess in the throes 



60 BKRAPHINA FRIVOL VERSUS "aGUBVILLE ARG1 

of mtluen w." Bill this is unnecessary, gentlemen, thriv- 

I shall confine myself to the extracts cited from the 

te i)i the - I will now call upon i 

who has long been a bosom friend to this persecuted lady, 

sympathetic nature and cultured appreciation 

ha\ en the tinder sparks to kindle the poetic fires 

of Agueville's sublimest genius. Miss Maypole, you will 

be kind enough to take the witness-stand. 

(Maypole takes the stand.) 

Bluster. — How long have you known the author of the 
poem just read ? 

Maypole. — I have known my beloved Seraphina, oh, 
ever so many years ! 

Bluster. — When you first made her acquaintance, and 
for some time afterward, was she apparently happ} ? 

Maypole. — Apparently! Oh, sir ! that is a feeble word. 
She was like some rainbow-feathered warbler chanting 
blithesome lays amid the perpetual flowers of a tropical 
isle. 

Bluster. — How long did she continue in this happy 
condition of mind ? 

Maypole. — Always and ever, until the venomous darts 
of malice began to do their dread work. 

BLUSTER. — Her health during this time was good, was it 
not ? 

Maypole. — The bloom of her cheek was as fair as the 
first blush of rosy morn. 

BLUSTER. — She ate heartily during the while? 

MAYPOLE. — She partook unsparingly of the nutriment 
most appreciated by geniuses. 

/.--What effect Upon her health and genius did 
,er attacks have, so far as you know ? 

MAYPOLE. — The crimson tint of unimpaired health be- 
gan to fade ; the plenteous repasts of delicacies remaioi d 
almost untouched ; the bright gleam of conscious genius 



SERAPHINA FRIVOL VERSUS "AGUEVILLE ARGUS." 6 1 

became dimmed ; all, all was changed, and I feared me for 
the precious existence of my dear Seraphina. 

Bluster. — That will do, so far as I am concerned, Miss 
Maypole. You may now answer the questions of my op- 
ponent, if he has any to put to so gracious and talented a 
lady. 

Shrewd. — I cannot let my natural gallantry interfere 
with my duty as an attorney. Now, Miss Maypole, you 
have said that you have known the Singing Swan of Ague- 
ville many years: will you tell us how many? 

Maypole. — Oh, ever so many ! 

Shrewd. — That might be three, or it might be fifty- 
three. We will strike the difference. Have you known 
her fifty years ? 

Maypole {indignantly). — Sir ! 

Shrewd {blandly). — Well, say forty-five ? 

Maypole. — Sir ! I do not comprehend. Miss Seraphina 
Frivol is a young lady of too high a character to merit such 
insults. 

Shrewd. — Oh, no offence ! I am a lawyer, and it is my 
duty to bring out facts, even if they are disagreeable. How- 
ever, the exact number of years you've known the so-called 
poetess is of small consequence. We will call it forty, if 
you prefer. 

Maypole {turning to Judge, pleadingly}. — Oh, dear! this 
is unbearable. I wish I hadn't advised her to come here. 

Judge. — The law, my dear lady, is the guardian of the 
republic. It is the only friend of the oppressed and slan- 
dered, and, incidentally, it sometimes assists the census- 
taker. 

Maypole {despairingly) .—Oh ! oh! oh! 

Bluster. — Your Honor, I am astounded at the manner 
in which this sensitive witness has been persecuted. 

Shrewd. — This begins to look like a case of the biter bit- 
ten. Now, Miss Maypole, will you be so condescending as to 



kPHINA FRIVOL \ " tGUEVILLE ARGUS." 

tell my humble self and these honorable gentlemen what 
rring to the appetite of the Singing 

Sion, "nutriment most appreciated by 
ere your words ? 

M.w i. — I referred to her preference 

for | a] luxuru 

SHREWD {rubbing his hcad t thoughtfully). — Yes, yes ; that 
IS — will you please repeat that last? 

Bluster. — Allow me to explain, for the benefit of your 
untutored intellect, that the witness refers to the finny 
class of edibles. 

Shrewd. — Thank you for the explanation. You have 
saved me from a headache. Now I fully understand. She 
means, fish — plain, Friday, fish — mackerel, hake, cod, and 
haddock. 

Maypole. — This is intolerable. 

Shrewd. — Pray excuse my dulness ; but will you tell me 
whether your poet friend partook of this kind of brainy 
nutriment just previous to writing the poem now in ques- 
tion ? 

Maypole (dejectedly). — I don't know. Indeed, I don't. 

Shrewd. — If she did, were they or was it of the small finny 
class, or the large finny class ? You must know that. 

Maypole (sobbing ly). — Yes, yes ; I guess it was. 

Shrewd (sharply). — Will you swear, then, — remember, 
now, you are under oath, — will you swear it was not a por- 
tion of a whale she ate to stimulate her genius ? 

Maypole (breaking down). — No, no ; I won't swear at all. 
R (leading witness to seat). — There, there; you 
need not say anything more. Dry your tears. (Then to 
court.) This, your Honor, is the most disgraceful case of 
browbeating that was ever perpetrated. I have subpoenaed 
a witne- er, who will not be moved by such con- 

temptible tricks. Master Jack Pi, you may take the stand. 

(Jack hastens to stand.) 



SERAPHINA FRIVOL VERSUS l% AGUEVILLE ARGUS." 6$ 

Bluster. — What is your business, young man ? 

Jack. — Ain't got none. 

Bluster. — I mean, what do you do for a living ? 

Jack. — Oh ! I'm printer's devil for the 

Bluster. — What did you say you do in the Argus office ? 

Jack. — Keeps the scissors sharp and the paste-pot full. 

Bluster. — Do you ever use the scissors yourself? 

Jack. — I uses 'urn every day. 

Bluster. — Oho ! So you are exchange editor for the 
Argus, are you ? 

Jack. — Xo ; I ain't no editur yet. 

Bluster. — Then what do you do with the scissors ? 

Shrewd. — I object, your Honor. I can't see what scis- 
sors have to do with this case. 

Judge. — Inasmuch as the article just read states that 
the office-boy handed the editor the particularly offensive 
verse, which is not a part of the original poem, it may be 
necessary to prove that the boy clipped said verse from 
some printed source — possibly from Martin Farquhar Tup- 
per's poems. You may repeat the question. {Leaning /or- 

Bluster. — What do you do with the scissors ? 

Jack (unconcern edly). — Clips the legs off the roaches what 
comes out of the walls. 

falls back in his chair, showing offended dignity^ 

Bluster {petulantly). — Well, well ! What other import- 
ant duties do you perfoim about the Argus establish- 
ment ? 

Jack. — I has full charge of the sheol-box. 

Bll'STEK ::sly). — What is — or rather, what is a — 

a sheol-box ? 

Jack. — That's the box where the printers throws all the 
old leads and quads and broken type. We used to call it 
different, but the editur said we'd have to call it the new 
way to keep abreast of the times. 



oj SERAPHINA riUVOL VERSUS "AGUEVILLE arci 

well. Now, did you or did you not at 
write anything for the 

Jack. — I m no writin'. 

BLUSTER. — Then you did not write the verse ascribed to 
he editor oi the Arg% 

JaCI htening up). — I have never been guilty of 

writin' poetry. 

BLUSTER {quickly). — Who told you to say that? 

Jack.— Dad. 

Bluster.— What else did he tell you? 

JACK. — He told me he'd ruther his little son 'ud be thrun 
oil" the top of the Washington monument than grow up to 
write poetry. 

Ui.rsTER.— - There, there; that will do. 

Judge {pompously). — Young man, I want you to answer 
a question I will now put to you with a simple yes or no. 
Did your sister write that verse? 

JACK ( with uu suppressed disgust). — Naw. 

JUDGE [sternly). — How do you know that verse was not 
written by your sister? 

Jack {triumphantly). — 'Cos I ain't got no sister. 

{Judge sheepishly falls back in his chair.) 

Bluster. — I don't want this witness any longer. 

Shrewd. — Well, I don't want him. You may take your 
seat, Master Jack. 

(Jack takes his seat.) 

BLUSTER. — I will next call up as a witness the respected 
m the Torch of Truth, the paper in which my client's 
m originally appeared. Mr. Longinus Turtle will please 
the stand. 

(Turtle steps up.) 

BLUS1 BR. — What have you to say, Mr. Turtle, as to the 
effects of the libelous attacks on your contributor, my 
at? 

j LE. The poor crawling worm, whose writhing shape 



SERAPHINA FRIVOL VERSUS " AGUEVILLE ARGUS." 65 

revels only in the slime of abuse, has wrought irreparable 
injury to the health and genius of one of the brightest 
lights of poesy. No longer does the molten gold of her 
poetic thought adorn the lyric columns of the Torch of 
Truth, a paper whose circulation is limited only by the 
uttermost boundaries of this terrestrial sphere. 

Bluster. — You can say of your own knowledge, then, 
that these attacks of the Argus have prostrated the genius, 
and hence injured the health of Miss Seraphina Frivol ? 

Turtle. — Beyond all measure. O that her bright light 
might once more mingle its rays with those of the great 
Torch of Truth ! 

Bluster. — With these impressive words ringing in the 
ears of the cultured jury, I give over the witness to my 
opponent. 

Shrewd.— Now, Mr.— Mr. — 

Turtle.— Turtle, sir, Turtle. You will find it in full- 
face capitals at the head of my editorial columns. 

Shrewd. — Very well, Mr. Turtle. For how many years 
has the Singing Swan been a contributor to your paper ? 

Turtle. — Ever since I assumed the responsibility of 
editorship, and the Torch of Truth now has the largest 
circulation — 

Shrewd. — You have already said something like that. 
Now you may tell me whether you have ever attacked your 
rival paper in this village. 

Turtle. — Sir, I have no rival in journalism. My adver- 
tising columns — 

Shrewd. — Let your advertising columns speak for them- 
selves. 

Turtle. — They do, sir, they do. For single insertions — 

Judge. — That is enough on that point. We will have 
no free advertising here. 

Turtle. — There is none in my paper, your Honor. 

Judge. — Come, come, Mr. Editor, I shall fine you for 
5 



66 SERAPHINA FRIVOL 1 

contempt of court if you persist in this course. Answer 
the questions more briefly. 

. — Do you swear, Mr. Turtle, that the poem in 
the 1 to is precisely t 

printed in your colum: 

Turtle. — All but the typographical errors. In the 
I of Truth there are never any typographical errors. 

Shrewd (sa -Wonderful ! 

Judge. — The witness is incorrigible. He may take his 
seat. He is fined ten dollars for contempt of court. 

Turtle ay from stand). — Will five yearly- 

subscriptions pay the fine, your Honor ? 

Judge. — No. nor a hundred, if you issue as many as that. 
Your fine is now increased to twenty dollars. Sit down, 
or I'll order the court officer to remove you. 

(Turtle dejectedly takes his st 

Bluster. — T will rest my case here, your Honor. 

Shrewd. — I shall not call any witnesses for the de- 
fence. 

Judge. — Your closing argument is now in order, Mr. 
Bluster. 

Bluster . — The evidence I have brought out I 

think has been sufficient to support every point I made in 
opening this important case. You are asked, gentlemen, 
to alleviate the distress of this deeply-injured lady. Now, 
ooo is a small sum to relieve the sufferings of a heart so 
gored, a bodily illness so pathetic. And right here let me 
say a word in regard to the conduct of the opposing coun- 
sel. In an experience of many years I have never known 
his methods in this case equalled in dastardlincss. You 
have seen him break my witnesses down in the most outrage- 
ous and disgraceful manner. You have seen him hold a 
great genius up to ridicule, and dash the natural delic 
of her dearest friend upon the rocks of shame and despair — 
shame at his foul and unmanly insinuations, despair for the 



SERAPHINA FRIVOL VERSUS " AGUEVILLE ARGUS." 6j 

future of justice and right. Why have I permitted him to go 
so far? Because I knew that the honest hearts of the jury 
would revolt at such treatment ; because I knew that their 
deep intelligence would see, under the mask of his machi- 
nations, all the more clearly the hopelessness of his side of 
the case. I will not review the evidence, but I will ap- 
peal to you, gentlemen, to take this matter home to your 
own bosoms. Let each of you imagine his sister or wife 
posing on the highest pinnacle of poetic fame, only to be 
bespattered with the mud of a filthy plodder among the 
slime of his own unthinkable depths of scurrilous and 
abusive journalism. Oh, what infamy is his ! oh, what 
degradation ! Think, too, of the malice in it all. Had his 
been the words of honest though ignorant conviction, we 
might read with pity. But, alas ! my lovely client knows 
only too w r ell the hidden causes of this base and libelous 
conduct. She has told you in her own beautiful and deli- 
cate way of his cravings for the love of her unblemished 
heart — of his struggles to obtain the products of her un- 
rivaled genius. Think of the discarded suitor, of the un- 
successful follower, and let your sympathies yield to the 
natural promptings of your hearts. Come, then, to the 
rescue of a genius crushed by such ignoble odds. It is 
damages, damages, nothing but damages, as I have already 
said, that can heal the wounds of this lacerated heart. (Sits 
down.) 

Shrewd (rising). — Gentlemen, my brother of the law, 
not in law, thank heaven, has undertaken a remarkable 
case. He says so himself. It is remarkable in the fact 
that I have not called a single witness to my side. He had 
them all. Like certain politicians we have heard of, he 
claims everything. On the other hand, I am ready to 
admit everything. The so-called libelous articles appear- 
ed, as read. The annoying verse was not, as stated, written 
by the office-boy, but by the editor of the Argus himself. 



6S SBRAPHINA FRIVOL VERSUS "aGUKVILLE ARGUS." 

This same editor did ask the Singing Swan to be his by 
means of a peppermint heart. He must be a very bad 
man. (M* course I am an unfeeling wretch, that would take 
up any kind of a case for a consideration. (), certainly! 
The other fellow is always a bad one in a case of this kind. 
But how about our great warbling penguin, or, rather, 
Singing Swan? She asks $25,000. That's all. Still it's 
enough to stanch those drops from a bleeding heart. Now, 
I propose to trust my entire defence to a single point, 
which I have kept to the last, in the hope that my oratorical 
opponent would not deprive me of it. And he hasn't. It 
is this : You are all residents of this town, and have for 

rs patiently borne the long-sufferings inflicted upon 
mankind in common by the poets of the day. You now 
have a chance to get even on one — the most relentless of 
them all. Can you, then, after all these years of torture, 
knowingly, and in possession of your sound senses, put 
yourself on record as not only encouraging but actually 
fondling and nursing this plague ? I hope not. Damages 
for a small-pox victim might at times be justifiable, but 
never, never for the lacerated heart of a spring poet. {Sits 
down.) 

Judge (rising). — The powerful stand taken by the coun- 
sel who has just spoken, puts this case in a somewhat dif- 
ferent light from what we were expecting. It is for you, 
however, to decide whether this is a case in which damages 
can justly be given. On the other hand, the evils wrought 
by the poets of the day are familiar to us all, and I cannot 
recommend rewards in money for the encouragement of 

try-writing geniuses. The law, however, protects even 
a life insurance agent, and it is my duty to olace it before 
you. The great unwritten statutes of mankind, on the 
Other hand, do not make it a crime or misdemeanor for the 
citizen to muzzle a mad dog, even if that same dog may be 
the property of his neighbor. II, then, you find that the 



SERAPHINA FRIVOL VERSUS U AGUEVILLE ARGUS." 69 

said article in the Agueville Argus is truthful in fact, you 
cannot find it libelous, because its purpose was manifestly 
benevolent, and its aim was to do good service to our peo- 
ple at large, and, by example, to the whole suffering world. 
With these admonitions, I trust the verdict you may bring 
in shall be free from rhyme and not without reason. For 
my part, I could not impose a fine that would be a prec- 
edent for the great horde of hungry poets with whom a 
struggling world is now in deadly affray. 

{Curtain. 



SWEARING IN A JURY. 



Dramatis Persons. 

Judge Thinknought. 
Thomas Dapper, Court Clerk, 
William White. 
Barney Brown. 
Busby Black. 
George Green. 
Samuel Scarlet. 

Judge Thinknought. — Mr. Dapper, you will please 
swear in three new jurymen from your list. A death from 
small-pox in the family has made it expedient to excuse the 
three brothers Jones from appearing in this case. 

Dapper [dipping pen in ink). — Answer to your names, 
gentlemen. William White. 
White.— Here. 

Dapper (writing). — Barney Brown. 
Brown. — Here. 

PPER. — Busby Black. 
\ck. — Here. 
Dapper. — Come forward, Mr. White, and be sworn. 

forward). — I beg to be excused from 
a\ this jury. 
—Your reasons, sir ? 
White. — They are too numerous to mention. 
Judge. — Nonsense, sir ! Stuff and nonsense ! Swear him 
in, Dapper. 



SWEARING IN A JURY. 7 1 

Dapper. — Perhaps he may have conscientious scruples, 
your Honor. Parties are often conscientious about serving 
on juries. 

Judge. — True, Dapper! True! We must have no con- 
scientious jurymen to interfere with a verdict. {To White.) 
Are you of age, sir ? 

White. — Yes. 

Judge. — Are you religious, sir? 

White. — I hope I am, your Honor. 

Judge. — Have you ever served on a jury before ? 

White.— Once before. 

Judge. — Then why on earth cannot you serve again ? 

White. — I have conscientious scruples. 

Judge. — State their nature. 

White. — They are of a domestic nature, your Honor. 

Judge. — How domestic ? 

White. — I have a wife and nine children. 

Judge. — What's that got to do with serving on a jury ? 
Swear him in, Dapper. 

White. — No ! but, your Honor, I protest against serving. 

Judge. — Your conscientious scruples are of insufficient 
moral force, sir. Swear him in, Dapper. 

White. — One moment, your Honor, before taking so 
fatal a step. What will my family do for support while I'm 
serving on this jury ? 

Judge. — The case will be over by to-morrow, and then 
we shall excuse you. Your family can stand it for a day. 

White. — It will be for a week at least, your Honor. It 
was a fortnight the last time I served, and that on one case 
only. 

Judge. — Nonsense ! How could that happen ? 

White. — I stood it out against the other eleven till I 
was taken ill, and forced to give way. 

Judge. — And you held out for a fortnight ? 

White.— I did, your Honor. 



72 WEARING i\ \ jury. 

JUDGE.— -Yon need n< him In, Dapper, You are 

Mr. White. Call the next gentleman, Dapper. 

Dapper.-— Barney Brown, step forward and take the 
oath. 

>WN. —I beg to be excused from serving on this case. 

JUDGE. — You reasons, sir? 

WN. — My name is not in the Direct'ry. 

Judge.— What of that? 

BROWN. — 'Cause ef my name ain't in the Direct'ry, I'm 
blowed ef I know what bisincss they've got ter summons 
me. 

Judge. — Stuff and nonsense ! Swear him in, Dapper. 

Dapper {modestly). — Perhaps the party may have con- 
scientious scruples, your Honor. Parties are often consci- 
entious about serving on juries. 

JUDGE. — True, Dapper ! True ! We must have no con- 
scientious jurymen to interfere with a verdict. ( To Bro wn.) 
What is your occupation, sir? 

Brown. — To earn a livin'. 

Judge — By what means ? 

Brown. — Any as comes handy. 

Judge. — In that case, I see no reason why you should 
not be contented to earn two dollars a day serving on this 
jury. Proceed in the usual form, Dapper. 

Dapper. — Take the book, Mr. Brown. 

Brown [taking book), — I suppose this is the chromo what 
goes along with the two dollars. Very much obliged fur 
your present. 

Jud rly). — We allow no badinage here, sir. 

-Well, what do you want me to do with this 

.—That, sir, is the Book of Sacred Scripture. 

r hands upon it. both hands, if you please. Parties 

apt to lay their left hand upon this book, meaning 

thereby to swear over the left. So we require both hands 



SWEARING IN A JURY. 73 

to be firmly planted on this holy volume when an oath is 
taken, to avoid prevarication, quibbling, and indirect per- 
jury. 

(Brown lays both ha?ids on book.) 

Dapper. — That's right. Now attend to me. You, Bar- 
ney Brown, avow to truly try all cases that may come up 
before you as juryman ? 

Brown. — Ido. 

Dapper. — Kiss the book, Mr. Brown. 

(Brown kisses the book.) 

Judge. — You may sit down, Mr. Brown. 

(Brown takes his seat.) 

Dapper. — Mr. Busby Black, step forward and take the 
oath. 

Black. — I beg to be excused from serving on this case. 

Judge. — We will listen to no more excuses, sir. 

Dapper. — Perhaps he may have conscientious scruples, 
your Honor. Parties are often conscientious about serving 
on juries. 

Judge. — True, Dapper! True! We must have no con- 
scientious jurymen to interfere with a verdict. {To Black.) 
What is the nature of your scruples, sir? 

Black. — Professional ! Purely professional ! 

Judge. — What is your profession ? 

Black. — Have you never heard of Busby Black, the 
great chiropodist? Why, it was I, your Honor, who so 
skilfully treated your charming wife. A marvellous case, 
gentlemen. Patient compelled to wear cloth gaiters, feet 
covered with stubborn excrescences. Two weeks' treat- 
ment, and patient tripping the avenue in high-heeled 
French gaiters. 

Judge. — No more of this, no more of this. Swear the 
gentleman, Dapper. 

Black. — I cannot take this oath, your Honor, without 
committing a grievous breach of professional etiquette. 



5* i kRING IN A JURY. 

Judge.- How will your profession suffer? How can 

such a low p i suikT in any 

. K. — I have a date with a bunion, your Honor. 
Country gentleman, travelling two hundred miles for 
ial treatment. x . linly ean understand the ex- 

treme y of such a case. 

JUDGE. — Your scruples are in ulhcient, sir. Swear the 
gentleman, Dapper. 

Black. — Nay, Judge, but hear me. I have other scruples. 

Judge. — Come, out with them then ; what are they? 

Black. — I have a strong prejudice against trial by jury. 

Judge. — I never knew a man summoned to jury duty 
who had not. 

Black. — Aye, but my prejudices are very, very strong, 
your Honor. 

Judge. — And why, sir, are you so strongly prejudiced 
against this most equitable manner of administering justice ? 

Black. — I've got a brother that was hanged by an igno- 
rant jury, your Honor. 

Dapper. — Allow me to suggest, your Honor, that his 
scruples certainly appear most conscientious. 

Judge. — True, Dapper! true ! but we must have a jury. 
{To Black.) Are you so conscientious as all that, Mr. 
Black ? 

Black. — Yes, your Honor, my conscience would not 
allow me to serve on a jury in any case. Not for one hun- 
dred dollars a day would I act against my conscience. 

Judge. — Well, we certainly cannot offer you as much as 
that. The law allows a juryman but two dollars per diem. 
\CK {excitedly).— What's that? Say that again. 

JUDGE. — A juryman receives only two dollars a day. 

'.K. — Two dollars a day? Swear me in, your Honor, 
and 111 serve for the remainder of my life. 

Jui) .. — Ah, but your conscientious scruples? 

Black.— Very true ! very true ! But I was speaking then 



SWEARING IN A JURY. 75 

of murder trials, yes, murder trials. Murder trials, not 
trials of other descriptions. Ah ! swear me in. 

Judge. — You may swear the gentleman, Dapper. 

(Black is sworn.) 

Judge. — Bring up the next name on your list, Dapper. 

Dapper. — George Green. 

Green. — Here. 

Dapper. — Come forward and be sworn. 

Green. — I beg to be excused from serving on this case. 

Judge. — That speech is getting to be a "chestnut." 

Dapper. — The gentleman may have conscientious scru- 
ples, your Honor. Parties are often conscientious about 
serving on juries. 

Judge. — True, Dapper! True! We must have no con- 
scientious jurymen to interfere with a verdict. (To Green.) 
What is the nature of your scruples, Mr. Green ? 

Green. — I am a wealthy retired gentleman. A man of 
means, sir, I would have you understand. This is the fifth 
time I have been summoned to jury duty within the last 
five weeks, and I protest against it, sir. 

Judge. — The fifth time ? Have you served on four juries 
already within five weeks ? 

Green. — No, sir ; I have not. 

Judge. — How did you escape? 

Green. — By paying fifty dollars each time for immunity. 
Now it's about time this thing was stopped. 

Judge (eagerly). — Fifty dollars? Why, that makes a 
round two hundred. {Aside.) This is a good man to 
strike again. 

Green. — Yes, sir; a round tw T o hundred, from which the 
myrmidons of the law have fattened. 

Judge. — My dear sir, I am sorry that some rascal has 
taken advantage of your position. (To Dapper.) How is 
this, Dapper; has this gentleman been drawn on the jury 
four times before within the short space of five weeks ? 



SWEARING iv A JURY. 

PER. —AH chance, your Honor! all chance ! You 
r methods of drawing up a list of jurymen. 
Judge. — True, Dapper I true! < r<?GREEN.j You have been 
reraely unfortunate, Mr. Green. We will see what we 

i. » in your case. 

GREEN. — I shall see that you do, sir. 

JUDGE. — We shall take especial interest in your case, Mr. 
Green. In the present instance 1 can see no escape for you. 

I ) mter. — I know of a party who will serve as a substi- 
tute for the gentleman, your Honor, for a small consider- 
ation. 

Judge. — A good suggestion, Dapper. What think you 
of it, Mr. Green ? 

Green. — I've been bled long enough. It's about time it 
was stopped. 

Judge. — It shall be stopped, Mr. Green. Meanwhile it 
might save you much possible inconvenience to adopt the 
suggestion of our clever court clerk. 

Green (gruffly). — How much will it be? 

Dapper (looking at Judge, knowingly). — I suppose, your 
Honor, that the party I speak of might, I say might, be 
persuaded to leave his present lucrative employment for 
$25. I say might; yes, I am pretty sure he would, quite 
sure in fact. 

Green (handing out §25). — Take the money and let me 
go. I shall see to it that I am not summoned again. I am 
a man of means, I would have you all understand. (Leaves 
court-room.) 

JUDGE (aside). — It is just such men that we like best to 
summons. (Aloud.) Well, Dapper, that makes up the twelve 
jurymen, docs it not ? 

DAPPER. — Your Honor, I will not be able to communi- 
ith my friend until to-morrow. In the meantime 
bad better empanel another juryman from my li 

J UDGE. — True, Dapper ! true ! Proceed in the usual form. 



SWEARING IN A JURY. 7 7 

Dapper. — Samuel Scarlet, answer to your name. 

Scarlet — Here. 

Dapper. — You will please step forward and be sworn. 

Scarlet. — I beg to be excused from serving on this case. 

Judge (angrily). — I will listen to no more excuses. You 
are summoned here to do your duty as a good citizen, and 
I expect you to perform it. 

Dapper {in expostulatory manner). — Perhaps the party 
may have conscientious scruples, your Honor. Parties are 
often conscientious about serving on juries. 

Judge. — True, Dapper! True! We must have no consci- 
entious jurymen to interfere with a verdict. (To Scar- 
let.) State your scruples, sir. 

Scarlet. — I'd rather not. 

Judge. — But you must. 

Scarlet. — Well, then, I don't know nothin' about this 
law business, and I don't want to. My father warned me 
twenty year ago to keep out o' court, and I have never en- 
tered the door o' one until now. 

Judge. — That's no excuse, sir. 

Scarlet. — I can give plenty more if you want 'em. 

Judge. — But we don't want them. Swear him in, Dapper. 

Scarlet. — What's the good o' swearin' me in ? I tell 
you I don't know nothin' at all about this business. 

Judge. — Do you know anything about any business ? 

Scarlet. — No ! (Each No ! spoken louder than the pre- 
ceding^) 

Judge. — Are you an educated man? 

Scarlet (stubbornly). — No! 

Judge. — Can you listen to and pass upon a plain, straight- 
forward argument ? 

Scarlet. — No ! 

Judge. — Have you the use of your five senses? 

Scarlet. — No ! 

Judge. — Have you the use of four of them ? 



i\ A JURY. 

Scarlet (stuWornlv).— No ! 
JUDGE. — Of three of them ? 

Judge.— Of two of them? 

i . -No ! 
JUDGE.— Of one of them ? 
aklet {shouting). — No! 
Judge (shouting). — Are you a born idiot? 

arlet (shouting).— Yes I 
JUDGE (sinking back and smiling with satisfaction). — 
Then you're just the very man we want. You may swear 
him in, Dapper. 

(Scarlet, in crestfallen manner, takes the oath?) 
Judge. — Gentlemen, we have at last empanelled a jury, 
and will now proceed to business. 

[Curtain. 



AN HOUR IN A POLICE COURT. 



Dramatis Persons. 
Judge Day. 

John Smith, Shabby Prisoner. 
Frederic Mackintosh, Long-haired Prisoner. 
John L. Slugger, Prize-Fighter. 
Mrs. Finnigan, Prison. 
Jerry the Bum, Prisoner. 
Policeman Button 

First and Second Lawyers. {They retire on opening 
of Court) 

Judge Day faltering ivith smiles). — Good - morning. 
Good-morning, gentlemen. 

Lawyers {in chorus). — Good-morning. Good-morning, 
old boy. How are you this morning? 

Judge. — As fresh as a salt-water fish, and right on hand 
for business, but — {looking at his watch). Ye-es. Court 
opens in five minutes — but, as I was saying, I was the little 
"As is " last night among the boys. 

First Lawyer.— Have you had your cocktail this morn- 
ing, Judge ? 

Judge (good-humoredly). — Yes, indeed, two of them ; and 
that reminds me of a good story I heard among the round- 
ers last night, and I've just enough time to tell it before the 
rabble are brought in. It's about an Irishman that — 
(Lawyers close eyes and nod as if about to go to sleep.) 

(79) 



AN HOUR IN a RT. 

JUDGE {irritated}. — Oli. well, if you don't want to hear 
it. I'll open court at once, but it's a good thing — the latest 
out. 

>ND LAWYER.— Give it to us, old fellow. Let her 
flick 

I — You all know the Honorable 
Patsy Shechan of the 5th District. Well ! he told it to us 
night, and made a ten-strike. One of his future con- 
stituents had just landed from Ireland, and asked Patsy to 
make a policeman of him right off. Of course Patsy had 
to do something for him, but as he had just had four 
friends put on the force, he couldn't do much in that line, 
so he made him a conductor on the horse-cars. The first 
trip he had alone, an old lady handed him a fifty-cent 
piece. The conductor handed her, in change, two tens and 
a twenty-cent piece. The old lady called out, " Here, you 
swindlin' conductor, I want five cents more ; this is only a 
twenty-cent piece." " By the howly Saint Patrick," said 
the conductor, " but this is a great country whare they 
make twinty-cint quarters." Ha ! ha ! ! ha ! ! ! 

First Lawyer.— Chestnut ! 

Second Lawyer.— Rats ! 

Judge (chagrined, rapping loudly). — This unseemly levity 
and familiarity is unbecoming in an American court. Let 
the prisoners be brought in at once. 

f Prisoners file in, followed by BUTTONS.) 

First Lawyer (aside). — That was the mould iest old 

story I ever heard him get off. Why, it's got hair on it. 

—Yes, but he felt sat on all the same 

because we didn't laugh. 

(Lawyers leave court-room.) 

— Bring up the first culprit. 

t prisoners and seizing SMITH). — 

>u murderous villain, come up to court. (Drags 

Smith/ 



AN HOUR IX A POLICE COURT. 8 1 

Jul "":at has this villain done ? 

BUTTONS. — He was drunk, your Honor. 
Jud —Three months. 

(Buttons retires^ 
Smith.— But, your Honor, I — 
Judge. — Your name, sir. 
:th. — John Smith, and— 
GE. — Three months. 
Smith. — But I wasn't drunk. 

ge. — I know it. I know it. You never drank a drop 
in your life. Of course not. You're an honest working- 
man with a large family to support. Three months. 
Smith. — The policeman had no right to arrest me. 

iE. — Of course he hadn't ; he went into your house 
and pulled you out of bed. Three mor. 
Smith. — No. no ! that ain't it, I— 
Judge (loudly) — Three months. Take him aw 
Buttons [seising Smith ).— Come on wid me, yer bergler. 
Smith. — No, I won't. I'm an innocent man. 
Bu: ticing about him). — Oh, yer won't, hey ? Go 

alone thin! {Gives Smith a jerk, sending him h 
' from court-room, BUTTO x club f re 

in front of other 
prisoners, with folded arms and cc rrows.) 

Judge {look: —What is it? Did the 

jring it in ? 
BUTTOl r Honor. It's alive. 

dge. — Come to the bar. 

H (dashing up to the Judge's bench). — Mine's 
whiskey straight. No water. 

the matter with you ? 
Ma. — I crave your pardon, 

st noble Judge. I got the impression from your refer- 
ring to the :.:at I was invited to drink with you, 
and as a gentleman I could not ret 
6 



Judge. — Oh, you couldn't ? Wh v ? 

Mackintosh. — I am an actor, most high and noble 
Judge. I play heavies, utility, first old man, and walking 

JUDGR. — You ought to be good in walking parts. 

Mackintosh. — I am. Indeed, I am my own and only 
para 

Judge. — Let us hope so. What is your name ? 

Mackintosh. — Frederic Napoleon Augustus O 
Anno Dominex Wellsquire Mackintosh. 

Judge. — Here! Here! That's enough of that. You've 
got names enough to supply a Mormon family, but they 
won't help you here. {To Buti What's the 

char. 

Mackintosh. — Oh ! I won't charge you anything for this 
performance, most noble sir. 

Judge (To Buttons).— What's the charge, Buttons ? 

Bui -I caught 

him, yer Honor, wid this crooked stick, hookin' this cruller 
through a hole in a bakery window. 

tosh. — The charge is false, your Honor, from 
Alpha to Omega. I have no use forcrulk: 

Judge. — You look hungry enough. 

kintosh. — Ah ! oh, great Judge, remember that 
actors never eat. 

Judge. — So I'm told. Ten days. 

Mackintosh {tragically).— Unmasked at last! Foiled! 
Hunted down! Imprisoned! (To BUTTOK 
sycophant, hireling ! The bars have no terrors for my 
strong soul. 

Judge.— No, you don't look like a man that a bar would 
terrify. Ten days may suit you too well. 

tosh. — I would it were ten years, if only I might 
bask in the sunshine of a kid once more. Ta ! ta ! 

most honorable Judge, you have done me proud. 



AN HOUR IN A POLICE COURT. 8$ 

Judge. — It satisfies you too well. Three days instead of 

ten. 

(Buttons leads off Mackintosh.) 

Mackintosh {departing). — Twas ever thus from child- 
hood's happy hour. I've seen my fondest hopes decay, 
decay, decay — ay — ay. (Disappears^ 

Judge. — Next in order step forward. 

(John L. Slugger steps forward, looking ugly.) 

Judge. — You are accused of hitting a little news-boy 
with your bare fist, breaking his jaw, and causing him to 
be placed in the hospital. A big elephant like you ought 
to be hung for such an offence. What's your name ? 

Slugger (menacingly) .— Dat 's my bisness ! 

Judge. — I'll make it my business to give you plenty of 
time to think it up. 

Slugger. — Ef yer want ter know so bad, my name is 
John L. Slugger. 

Judge. —What ! Not the great John L. ? 

Slugger. — Dat's what I am, and don't you make no 
error. 

(Buttons takes a look at Slugger and slinks away.) 

Judge {drawing a breath of astonishment). — Well, that 
makes a difference. 

Slugger. — Yer can bet it does. 

Judge (leaning forward eo/ifdentially). — When did you 
get in town, Johnny ? 

Slugger. — I came in day before yesterday, and I'm a 
goin' ter polish off a bloke in der Garden ter-night. 

Judge. — Send me some tickets, will you, Johnny ? I 
know you must have had good cause to hit that scamp. 

Slugger (tough>y). — Bet yer sweet life I did. 

Judge (good-humoredly). — No ! No ! John, I won't bet 
my life with you. You're too good a man. What did he 
do to insult you, John ? 

Slugger. — Dat's me own bisness. 



84 AN HOUR IN A POLICE COURT. 

if you don't want to. I'd 
like to know so I can discharge you right oil. Called you 
names, didn't he ? 
Slugger. — Ya-s. 
Judge.— What did he say ? 

Si UGGER {throwing his head to one side with a leer), — 
;h ! He says to his pal, " High ! Mickey, git on ter der 
bii^ Bean-eater, what knocks em all out." 
Judge. — So he called you a bean-eater, did he ? 
Slugger. — Dat's what I'm a-tellin' ycr. 
Judge. — That was provocation enough. You are dis- 
charged. 

(Slugger moves away.) 

Judge. — Don't foiget the tickets, Johnny. 
Slugger. — Forget nothun. 1 don't have to forget. 
{Makes a threatening movement with head a?id shoulder at 
Bv 
Buttons (falling with fright). — Don't! Don't hit me. 

(Slugger swaggers out.) 
Judge. — Next prisoner. 
Bu'i Mere she is, your Honor. 

. Fin nig an (coming forward). — I'm as big a mon as 
John L. Slugger, anny day. 
Buttons. — So she is, sure. 

. F. (curtseying). — And Oi can make as gude an an- 
swer as he can. 

JUDGE, — What is your name? 

. F. — That's me own bisness. 
JUDGE. — What's your own business? 
F. — Me name's me own bisness. 
Judge.— We'll call it Bridget Maloney. 
Mrs. F.— Shure, Oi'm no Maloney. Oi'm a Finnigan. 
JUDGE.— All right, Bridget Finnigan. 

F. {quickly).— Mo Bridget at all. Oi'm Mrs. Julia 
Finn; 



AN HOUR IN A POLICE COURT. 85 

Judge. — Good ! There are serious charges against you, 
Mrs. Finnigan. What were you howling in front of the 
pawn-shop last night ? 

Mrs. F. — Oi was singin' me own sweet song, that's all. 

Judge. — Can you repeat it? 

Mrs. F. — Shure Oi can. It is loike this — 

(Buttons throws up his hands in horror a?id hastens out.) 

Mrs. F.— (Sings:) 

" Can anybody tell me if the hock-shop's open ? 
Fur Oi have a bundle as ye see ; 
It belongs to Misther Finnigan, 
And Oi'm goin' ter put it in agin, 
So we kin have a foin ould spree." 

Judge {stopping his ears). — Oh ! I know you now, Mis. 
Finnigan, 

Mrs. F. (curtseying). — And Oi know you too, Judge 
Day ! 

Judge. — You are a dangerous character, and I'm going 
to send you up. 

Mrs. F. — You won't sind me up while me name is Julia 
Finnigan. 

Judge. — We'll see about that. 

Mrs. F. — So we will see about that. 

Judge. — You were howling that horrible song of yours 
half the night, up and down the street. 

Mrs. F. — And haven't I a roight to sing so beautiful a 
song ? 

Judge. — Then you got boiling drunk, and broke every 
gas-light in the neighborhood. 

Mrs. F. — And Oi'll do it agin if Oi loike. 

Judge. — Then you threw your neighbor's pet cat down 
the sewer. 

Mrs. F.— And phat if I did ? 

Judge. — A policeman tried to arrest you, and you banged 



S6 AN HOUR IN A POLICE COURT. 

him up so they had to give him leave <>t absence for a 
month. 

MRS. F. — Oi'm as glide a moil as John L, anny day; and 

1 kin lick anny copper On the fource. Me ould mon says so. 

It took half a dozen policemen to bring you in 

last night; and they had to throw a blanket over you to 

keep you from scratching and biting. 

Mrs. F. — And Oi'm proud of it. 

JUDGE, — Now I propose to give you six months. 

Mrs. F. — And O'ill take no six months. 

Judge. — Here, Officer Buttons, remove this prisoner. 

Buttons. — I've got a call around the corner, your Honor. 

Judge. — Take her away first. 

Buttons {looks dubiously at Mrs. F.). — Please come with 
me, Mrs. Finnigan. 

Mrs. F.— And Oi'll not plase. 

Buttons (assuming air of courage). — But you must ! 

Mrs. F. (dcfuntly).—B\i\. Oi mustn't must. 

Buttons. — Come on, yer auld cat ! 

Mrs. F. {dancing). — Auld cat! Phat ! Auld cat, is it! 
Oi'll auld cat yer. (Makes a clash at BUTTONS. Both dis- 
appear front court.) 

Judge (smiling). — Last prisoner, come forward ! 

(Jerry the Bum comes forward.) 

Judge. — Keep away from this bench. Don't come too 
near ! You're about as fine a cherub as I've seen in many 
a day. What's your name ? 

JERRY. — Jerry, your Honor. Jerry the Bum. 

JUDGE. — You're high-toned this morning. You're a 
tramp. 

JERRY. — I ain't no tramp, your Honor. I'm a bummer, 
I am. I ain't so low as a tramp, I ain't. 

Judge. — What brought you here? 

J i. rr v.— Cleaning out the kegs for the proprietors. 

JUDGE.— Oh ! I understand. You're a stale-beer guzzler. 



AN HOUR IN A POLICE COURT. 87 

You had an old tomato-can and was draining the beer-kegs. 
Was that it ? 

Jerry. — That's about the size of it, that is. 

Judge. — How will ten days suit you ? 

Jerry. — I don't want no ten days, I don't. I wants der 
free air of day and plenty er beer. That's what I wants. 

Judge. — All right, get it when you come out. Ten days ! 

Jerry. — I'll take less for half der money, I will. 

Judge. — You'll take everything that's not nailed down. 
Ten days. 

Jerry. — I knows where yer lives, Judge, I do ; and I'll 
put a double cross on yer house so dat every bum and 
tramp in the country will hang around there, they will. 
{Moving away.) 

Judge. — Hold on, Jerry ! Whatever you do, don't do 
that. I'll let you off with five days this time. 

Jerry. — That's justice as is justice, that is. 

(At this moment BUTTONS appears in a dilapidated state, 
coat torn, eyes blacked, and generally broken tip.) 

Buttons. — She got away from me, your Honor. 

Judge. — From your looks, I should say she had got away 
with you. {Rapping on desk.) Court is closed. 

[Curtain. 



ROPERIX \ DUDELING. 



Dramatis Persons. 

Judge Wrinkle, portly and pompous. Habitual frown 
of profundity. 

Lawyer Blood, Prosecuting Attorney. Rhetorical in 
manner. Face indicating intemperance. 

Lawyer Sly, unctuous in manner. Shrewd fealur 

Janet ROPERIN, Spinster, aged about 30. Attired in girl- 
is A simplicity. 

Pelham Dudeling, slender youth, attired in garments 
latest fashion. Eye-glasses. 

Master Tommy Roperin, precocious 1 unin. 10 

Widow Roperin, shrewd con in. 

Susan Sixgleheart, betrothed to Dudeling, Spinster. 
Jurymen, Court Attendants, etc. 

Judge. — The case of Roperin versus Dudeling is now on 
for trial, and before we proceed I warn all those who are 
here as mere spectators that no unseemly levity will be 
tolerated. You may proceed. 

Lawyer Blood. — The plaintiff in this case, gentlemen, 
is a timid, unsophisticated girl, the comfort of her widowed 
mother, the brightest flower in the small village in which 
she has passed her innocent life. Two years ago she was 
roaming fancy free among green fields, the glow of health 
upon her young cheek, the rippling laughter of light- 
(88) 



ROPERIN VERSUS DUDELING. 89 

hearted youth playing about her arch mouth. Suitors she 
had many. Matrimonial prospects unlimited. An en- 
chanted palace of happiness floated like evening clouds 
upon her young horizon. But alas, the awful change ! 
{During the follow big harangue Janet and her mother hang 
their heads and sob convulsively.) The tender flower is 
drooping and withered. The rosy, laughing maiden is 
seen no more tripping over her accustomed haunts. Her 
suitors have deserted her, as the bees desert the honey- 
rifled flower. Her prospects of matrimony are forever 
gone. Her enchanted palace has melted in the air, and 
a hopeless void marks the horizon of her blighted life. 
{Pauses and mops his brow.) You ask for a cause of this 
pitiable change. The cause sits there ! {Pointing dramat- 
ically at Pelham Dudeling.) That young man, if man he 
can be called, has crept like the canker-worm into the 
heart of this fair flower {turning to Janet), and has eaten 
away its principle of life. That young man is responsible 
for this pathetic picture of desolated maidenhood. That 
young man, as I shall substantiate by unimpeachable 
witnesses, by a course of villainy unprecedented in any 
breach of promise case that has come to my notice in 
twenty years' practice at the bar, has wilfully, designedly, 
and maliciously stolen from this fairy casket the most 
precious jewel it possessed. And now we come to the 
question of compensation. Unfortunately, gentlemen, 
there is no way of making this atrocious robber expiate his 
crime in prison. Our only redress is damages. We have 
it in our power, thanks to our noble law-givers, to bring 
back the rose of health upon this maiden's withered cheek, 
to bring the laugh once more to her face, and suitors once 
more to her feet. And let us see to it upon our con- 
sciences that this is done. Let us compel this young man 
to pay in full the value of the precious gem he has rifled 
from this maiden's heart, and which, gentlemen, she 



90 ROPERIN VERSUS l»l PILING. 

;.ooo. I shall show you how this 
man journeyed from his palatial home in New York, 
with the avowed intention of wooing this maiden. 1 shall 
bring a letter, written to her by him, in evidence of their 
confidential relationship. I shall show you how he passed 
day after day in her society, while sojourning in the village, 
nsibly for another reason, and I shall, finally, prove his 
villainy by a witness who has seen him clasp her to his 
heart, and has heard him pour into her ears dulcet words 
of affection, as the serpent in the Garden of Eden hissed 
his falsehoods into the ear of our general mother, Eve. 
But we will first hear her own story. Janet Roperin, to the 
stand, if you please. 

(Janet takes her stand in the witness-box, holding a large 
handkerchief to her eyes and sniffling audibly?) 

Blood. — Compose yourself, my dear child. 

Janet. — Oh! That I should ever have come to this! 
(Sods aloud.) 

Blood. — Gentlemen! it needs no eloquence of mine to 
arouse your sympathies. This spectacle of feminine woe, 
this girlish Niobe, appeals to your hearts more powerfully 
than could Demosthenes himself. 

Sly. — Very touching ! Very well contrived, Mr. Blood ! 

Blood (indignantly). — I blush for your heartlessness, Mr. 
Sly. I have never met its equal in all my years at the bar. 

Sly. — I blush in turn for you, Mr. Blood. That you have 
for many years been lamentably addicted to the "bar" we 
all know, but it shocks us to hear you boast so brazenly of it. 

BLOOD. — Sir ! (Advances menancingly toward Mr. Sly.) 

Judge. — Gentlemen! gentlemen! Remember where you 
are. Remember in whose august presence you stand. A 
repetition of such disgraceful conduct and I shall commit 
you both for contempt of court. 

Sly {with a bland smile). — I have been perfectly in order, 
your Honor, and I deprecate with you our good friend's 



ROPERIN VERSUS DUDELIXG. 9 1 

hasty temper. It appears that his long experience has not 
taught him that a brawl at the "bar" adds but little to 
one's respectability. 

Blood {choking with rage). — You shall answer in good 
time for your insolence, sir. 

Judge {severely). — Enough of this, Blood ! Proceed with 
the witness. 

Blood (turning to Janet). — My dear child, you have a 
stout champion in me, who intends to redress your wrongs. 
Answer now my questions. When did you first meet the 
defendant ? 

Janet. — We have been dear to one another from child- 
hood. 

Blood — They have been dear to one another from child- 
hood, gentlemen. Mark her answers carefully, as I draw 
from her reluctant lips her pitiful story. Can you state 
precisely when you first met ? 

Janet. — Yes ! It was on my seventh birthday. He fell 
into Croker's pond behind our house that morning, and 
would have been drowned had not my mother fished him 
out with a clothes-pole. It was while he remained in our 
house awaiting some dry garments that he first spoke to me. 

Blood. — Do you recollect what he said upon that occa- 
sion ? 

Sly. — I object to these questions. {Louder.) I object, 
I object. 

Judge {waking from a doze with a start). — Who spoke ? 
W hat's the matter now ? 

Sly. — I object to the question our friend has asked. I 
cannot see, your Honor, what bearing the prattle of two 
children has upon the case before us. 

Judge {severely addressing the assembled spectators). — Very 
true ! Children should be seen and not heard. If any child 
disturbs the future progress of this case, it s'hall be ejected 
forthwith from the room. 



92 KOI 

U are mi uir Honor. My 

-ure 
you will i me in m\ no 

other method ca 
plicity be compr^ 

Judge. passing judgment 

upon moral obi: 

the criminal from the ho 
tude, in orck 

for which he is responsibl Mr. 

Blood. {Puffs /'.. 

Sou.) 

Blood {turning to Janet). — Can you recall your conver- 
sation ? 

Janet. — He asked me for a glass of water, and ins 
that I should drink before him, which I did ; and then — 
and then — 

Blood. — And then, what, my dear? 

Janet. — He drank out of the glass from the same side I 
had used. 

Blood {prim U — He drank out of the glass from 

the same side she had used. Here, gentlemen, we have 
the seed. What greater mark of affection than to drink 
from the same glass, from the same side, of the same be\ 
age. Is it not a kiss by proxy ? Here then, as I have said, 
we have the seed. Now, my child, tell the gentlemen what 
happened subsequently to this tender incic! 

Janet. — His family passed every- summer in our vill 
and each other frequently. Finally, he went a* 

and did not return until last year, when he came up to sell 
the old place that had fallen to him by the death of his 
its. 

\nd then what occurrc 



ROPERIN VERSUS DUDELING. 



93 



Janet. — He passed almost every night at our house. 

Blood. — He passed almost every night at her mother's 
house. Here, gentlemen, we have the flower of affection 
peeping above ground. Now, tell us if your conversations 
together, at this time, were not affectionate and confiden- 
tial ? 

Janet. — At this time he made no open manifestations 
of love, because we were never alone. My cousin, Miss 
Singleheart, was always present. 'Twas not until he went 
away, and wrote to me that he would soon return, that I 
knew of his love for me. 

Blood. — It was not until he went away, and wrote to 
her, that she knew of his love for her ; and, gentlemen, 
here is the letter. (Producing a letter, which he waves be- 
fore the jury?) I shall read it. (Reads.) 

u My Dear Janet " — His dear Janet ; mark you the en- 
dearing epithet, gentlemen; he calls her his "dear" — "I 
shall be wrh you in a few days. You must have observed 
how fond I am of a 'certain party? and I trust you will 
^t me in winning her hand ; for I am timid, Janet, very 
timid, and would not dare to speak without some encour- 
agement. I am sure you can make matters easy for me if 
you care to. Yours truly, 

u Pelham Dudeling." 

It is unnecessary*, gentlemen, to comment upon this let- 
ter. Its purport is unmistakably clear. He desires that 
she shall be his wife. (Turning to Janet.) Tell us now, my 
dear child, of your subsequent meeting with this dastard. 

Janet. — Three nights afterward he came down to our 
house, and I managed to see him alone. He was very pale 
and excited, and asked me if I had anything to tell him ; 
and — and — (Here she breaks forth into hysterical St 

Blood. — Poor child ! Poor child ! Gentlemen, docs not 
this spectacle make your bosoms throb with i >n ? 



94 ROPER1M VERSUS DUDS! ING. 

UT hearts not melting with pity? Is not the lump 
of grief rising in your throats ? Pardon me, I am overcome ! 
(///,/, in his handkerchief.) 

this juncture Tommy roars aloud, while the frame of 

Widow j ig back ami forth in anguish.) 

BLOOD {after a brief pause, resuming). — Gentlemen, you 
see here the full-blown flower of this sad alfair. We have 
traced it, step by step, from the tiny seed. A few questions 
more and I shall allow the witness to step down. Com- 
pose yourself, my child. What was your answer when the 
defendant asked you if you had anything to tell him ? 

JANET u'onvulsively sobbing between her words).— Wc were 
— folded in— a fond em — brace imme — di — ately. 

Blood. — That is sufficient, my dear. You may go now. 
( I am T resumes her seat by her mother.) Mrs. Roperin, to 
the stand, if you please. 

( 77ie Widow, heavily veiled, takes the standi) 

Blood.— My dear woman, I shall detain you but a few 
moments. Were you aware of anything like affection ex- 
isting between the defendant and your daughter? 

WIDOW.— I rcckin 1 was. He'd been keepin' putty steady 
company with her for quite a spell. 

Blood. — Did you observe anything in their conduct sug- 
gestive of a mutual understanding ? 

Widow. — Yes! Janet and I cum to an understandin' 
putty quick. Says I : " Janet, I ain't goin' to invest in that 
young man unless he's in 'arnest. You've had too many 
worthless fellers eatin' up our money already." Says she : 
" He's all right, mommy", and it was alius understood mu- 
tual like between us two to that effect. 

OD. — Were you not your daughter's confidant in this 
affair ? 

Widow.— Yes ! we was both of us confident, and whyfor' 
shouldn't we be ; for 1 asked the young man, when he'd 
cum reg'lar every night for nigh on to a fortnight, what 



ROPERIN VERSUS DUDELING. .95 

was his intentions. Says he, " I don't understand your 
meaninY' Says I, " You've bin cummin' putty reg'lar here, 
and it's about time I knowed your intentions." Says he, 
" My intentions is all right ; but if my cummin' here is not 
pleasin' to you, I won't cum." Says I, " So long as your in- 
tentions is all right, cum as often as you please "; and I 
took his hand in a real cordal, motherly grip, which he re- 
turned mutual like. 

Judge. — Answer to the questions, madam, as put you, and 
dispense with these unnecessary digressions, if you please. 

Blood. — Leave the witness to me, your Honor. Answer 
yes, or no, my good woman, to my next question. Were 
you cognizant of the meeting that followed the letter writ- 
ten by the defendant to your daughter ? 

Widow. — Half ways yes, and half ways no. 

Judge. — Beware, madam ! Beware ! 

Widow. — That's just what I'm a doin'. 

Judge. — If this continues, madam, you shall be com- 
mitted. 

Widow. — If I answer truthfully, I ain't in no danger of 
committin' myself. 

Judge. — Are you trifling with our dignity, madam ? An- 
swer the question distinctly or you shall be made to feel 
the strong arm of the law. 

Widow. — When I sed half ways yes, I meant that I seen 
my gurl goin' down-stairs to meet the party yonder (point- 
ing to Dudeling), that I heard voices muffled like, and 
that after a short spell my daughter cum a runnin' up-stairs 
and went to her room on the third floor front, that I also 
jumped up frightened like when I heard the front door 
bang to as if a hurricane had shut it, and heard the foot- 
steps of yonder party retreatin' pell-mell down the road. 
When I sed half ways no, I meant that what passed in the 
front parlor between yonder party and my poor gurl was a 
mystery to me for a couple of days. 



96 ERIN VERSUS mini inc. 

-And how did you finally learn of the defend- 
ant lly conduct, and your daughter's ruined pros- 

WlDOW, — My son Tommy fortunately overheard all and 
told me. 

Blood. — Very good ! We will let Tommy tell his own 

You may go, madam. 
Sly. — Hold ! I have a few questions to ask the witness. 
JUDGE {with a yawn). — Be brief, Sly, for dinner-hour is 
approaching. Mrs. Wrinkle and dinner are like time and 
tide : they wait for no man. He-he-he ! 

.—Ha! Ha! Ha! Capitally put. Excellent wit! 
Your attention, madam, if you please. You have said that 
your daughter and you came to an understanding. Will 
you explain its nature ? 

Widow. — Its natur'? Wal, it was jest about the same 
as the understandin' I had with ma when Mr. Roperin was 
keepin' me company. 

Sly. — And, pray, what was that? 

Widow. — Says she: Jane, men are awful artful bein's. 
Says I : That's jest my conclusions also. Says she : Don't 
be fooled by that young man. Says I : It's too late to be 
fooled. He's committed himself. If that's the case, says 
she, ask him up to tea to-morrow night. 

Sly (to jury)- Gentlemen, you observe the nature of 

the understanding which existed between the plaintiff and 

thy parent. It seems they were both interested in 

bringing this young gentleman to commit himself. Such 

their mutual understanding; an understanding that 

appears to have been handed down from the mother and 

generation to the mother and daughter of 

the succeeding. I am finished wiih you, madam. 

(MRS ROPER] N takes her seat. ) 
Bi ' r Tommy Roperin to the stand ! 

( M h M M Y takes the stand.) 



ROPERIN VERSUS DUDELIXG. 97 

Blood. — My dear little fellow, will you tell us about the 
interview you so fortunately overheard? 

Tommy.— I was hid away in der parlor, behind der sofa, 
when der dude sittin' yonder {glancing at Dudelixg) cum 
in. He was smokin' of a cigarette which he had der cheek 
to trow into der fancy basket what was only meant for or- 
nament. I cum near hollerin' out, but I tought Id lay low 
and see ef I cud catch him kissin' of my sister, fur I was 
goin' ter pelt him wid rocks if he did. I was sizin' him up 
from behind der sofa when my sister cum in. At sight of 
her he arose all of a tremble, arid they shook hands. After 
that they cum over to where I was hid and set down on 
der sofa. "Poor Pelham! you want encouragement to 
giveyer heart ter speak, do yer ?" says she. " Oh ! yes, yes !" 
sftys he. " Have yer got anythink ter tell me ?" Den she 
begun to say as to how she had allers loved him and would 
be his little wife, and then he jumped up all of a sudden 
and said it was a grand mistake all round. Dat it warn't 
her he wanted ter marry, but some other girl whose name 
I didn't catch. My sister got cryin* mad, and run up-stairs, 
and der dude made for der door and I after him. I let fly 
a couple of rocks after him as he run down der street, and 
then I went after my sister to warn her I was goin' ter tell 
on her. She begged me not to, so I kept dark for a couple 
of days. Dat's all I know about it. 

Blood. — Dear childish prattler ! Gentlemen, you re- 
member the text, " Out of the mouth of very babes and 
sucklings hast Thou ordained strength"? How beautifully 
is it exemplified here. This innocent boy has, through di- 
vine means, become the divine instrument of justice. On 
his testimony our case hangs secure of a verdict. I am 
finished. 

Sly. — Turn to me for a few moments, Master Tommy. 
How did it happen that you were hidden in the parlor 
when the interview you have described took place ? 

7 



98 koi 3 DUDEL: 

Tommy. — My cousin, Susan Singlchcart, give me a cent 
to hide away and hear what " Jenny " had tcr say to sister 
Jar 

Si I who is "Jenny," my little man ? 

Tommy. -"Jenny " is der nickname me and de oder fel- 
lers give der dude sittin' yonder. 

Sly. — Master Tommy, you may go. 

(Tommy shuffles out of the witness-box in a crestfallen 
manner, and takes a seat beside his mother.) 

Sly. — In opening the case for the defence, I have little 
to say. I have not the eloquence of my opponent, Mr. 
Blood, but I have an absolute faith in the truth, and the 
truth in this case can be told in few words. I shall show 
you that the plaintiff has no cause of action whatever. 
That the defendant never directly or indirectly courted her 
affections, that he visited her mother's house with far other 
intentions, namely, to court some other female residing 
there at the time. Mr. Pelham Dudeling, will you tell us 
the story of your unfortunate misunderstanding with the 
plaintiff ? 

(Pelham Dudeling walks tremblingly to the standi 

Sly. — Proceed in your own way, if you please. 

Dudeling. — You see, gentlemen, it was all a mistake, 
an unfortunate mistake. Really, very embarrassing. Quite 
a dilemma, I declare. No man was ever placed more 
awkwardly. Every man of gentlemanly instincts must 
feel a deep sympathy for a fellow placed in such a predica- 
ment. 

Judge {pounding on the desk with his clenched fist. 
DUDELING starts). — When you have finished driveling, sir, 
we would be pleased to hear your st 

\"G. — I beg pardon. No offence intended, rest 
assured. You see I was in love all the time with a young 
lady who was passing the summer with the Ropcrins, and 
it was to see her that led me so frequently to their house. 



ROPERIN VERSUS DUDELING. 



99 



Very naturally, I became quite a friend of Miss Janet's, and 
really I never could see the object of my affections alone, 
for Miss Roperin was always sure to be present. Finally, 
I hit upon a plan which I thought would smooth matters 
for me, and when I came to the city I wrote Janet a letter, 
which, I hoped, would enlist her sympathies. You see, 
gentlemen, I was so blinded by love that I never noticed 
how fond of me Miss Roperin really was. Poor girl ! I 
never meant her any harm. I really was not responsible 
for her loving me so devotedly. It is a lesson, however, 
that I shall bear in mind, and I shall in the future avoid 
women's love, which has placed me in so dreadful a scrape. 
I shall, I declare. 

Sly. — Relate to us what transpired at your last meeting 
with the plaintiff. 

DUDELING.—Oh ! I was awfully surprised. She had 
entirely misinterpreted my letter. I suppose she thought 
that the " certain party " mentioned therein w r as herself, 
for when I asked her if she had anything to tell me she 
loaded me with endearing epithets, and threw her arms 
around my neck, and -and — she kissed me. She did, gen- 
tlemen, on my honor. 

Blood {contemptuously). — That is rather hard to believe. 

Sly.— I suppose, Mr. Blood, you would like to question 
the gentleman in your usual blustering manner. I am 
through with him. 

Blood {in a bullying manner, to DUDELING). — I suppose, 
sir, you will dare to state that you never used endearing 
tides in addressing the plaintiff? 

Dudelixg. — No endearing w r ords ever passed my lips. 

Blood. — Mark the man's duplicity ! A cunning fellow 
this. No endearing words ever passed his " lips." Did I 
say they did, sir ? 

Dudeling (in a frightened tone). — No ! No! You never 
made such a statement* 



ioo 'ERIN VERSUS DUDE! inc.. 

-I>ut what I do say. sir, is that you have used 
h endearirig titles. Do you understand, sir? Q#i a thun- 

\ understand 

And now, sir, will you have the audacity to 
deny having written this letter? {Produces letter?) 

DUDELING.— Ill deny nothing. I wrote it. 

BLOOD. — You wrote it, did you, .you impersonation of 
licity? And, pray, answer me this. (Reads.) "My dear 
Janet, my dear "; u dear." Is not the word " dear " an en- 
dearing epithet, sir? 

Dudeling. — It depends upon how it is used. 

Judge. — Quite right! Quite right! It depends upon 
how it is used. It is well to weigh these matters nicely. 
The word " dear " is capable of many diverse interpreta- 
tions. When we say a " dear bargain " we use it in a finan- 

I sense; a "dear wife or child," we use it in an aflection- 
sense ; when we say we u pay dear for our errors," it 
has a moral significance, and so on ad infinitum. {Frowns 
profoundly and shuts his eyes.) 

Blood (turning to jury). — Gentlemen, I leave it to you if 
in the case of this letter " dear " has not an endearing sense. 
And now, sir (turning to Dudeling), as you claim to have 
been courting another woman all this while, will you please 
favor us with her name? 

Dudeling. — Her name is Susan Singleheart. 

(Janet Roperin shrieks and falls upon her mother s 
shoulder. Profound consternation in court.) 

BLOOD {somewhat abashed). — You may take your seat, 
sir. (Dudi ling returns to side of Miss Singleheart.) 

SLY. — I have but one more witness. Miss Susan Single- 
heart, will you please take the stand ? 

(Miss Susan enters witness-box?) 

SLY. — You were living with the Roperins last summer, I 
beli 



ROPERIN VERSUS DUDELING. IOI 

Susan. — Yes. I was visiting there. 

Sly. — Did you observe anything in the conduct of the 
defendant toward the plaintiff that would indicate love on 
his part ? 

Susan. — No ! On the contrary, his most affectionate 
glances were always directed to me. 

Sly. — Did he ever tell you openly of his love for you ? 

Susan. — He was on the point of proposing once, when 
Janet discovered us together and spoiled it all. After that 
he had no chance, for Janet never would allow us to remain 
alone together. 

Sly. — You are sure, then, that he loved you ? 

Susan. — Positively sure, for he has proved it by offering 
himself to me since that time. We are now engaged. 

Sly. — Gentlemen, are you not convinced that this young 
lady is the "certain party" mentioned in defendant's let- 
ter to plaintiff? As I promised, I have proved that the 
plaintiff had no cause for action. Her case is founded upon 
a gross mistake. This is made evident by their most im- 
portant witness. Master Tommy has stated that the de- 
fendant told the plaintiff he loved another; and, gentle- 
men, the young lady standing before you is that other. It 
is unnecessary for me to dilate upon the evidence. The 
facts are before you, and from the facts I appeal to you for 
a just verdict. {Leads Miss Susan to her seat and sits down 
himself} 

Judge (rising). — I believe, gentlemen, the facts in this 
case are all in, and the arguments of the learned counsel 
deduced therefrom. It remains for me to warn you to 
trd against prejudice, and to think as one man. That 
twelve men actuated by conscientious motives can think as 
one man is beyond question. That twelve heads can form 
the same opinion from the heterogeneous evidence sub- 
mitted to them for their judgment is beyond dispute. That 
twelve understandings should digest and decide upon con- 



102 ROFERIN VERSUS DUDELINO. 

d ictory statements in the same way no reasonable man 
Can deny. Therefore, make your consultation brief. If 
I find that the evidence warrants a verdict in favor of 
plaintiff, you will conscientiously give that verdict; or 
it you decide the scales of justice show in favor of the de- 
fendant, give your verdict accordingly. Gentlemen, we 
Jt your pleasure. 

{Jury retire for half a minute and return?) 
Judge. — Gentlemen, are you decided upon a verdict? 
Forkman .— We are. 
Judgk. — In whose favor? 
Foreman. — For the defendant. 

Blood (aside, sadly). — I shall never take a case on 
" spec " again. 

[Curtain. 



THE CASE OF THE LONG-LOST 
GAYBIRD vs. AMANDA MEEK. 



Dramatis Persons. 

Judge Legalcap, spectacled and pompous. 
Lawyer Smart, brisk Attorney for Prosecution. 
Lawyer Sharp, Attorney for Defence. 
Reginald Gaybird, just from Texas, to claim his prop- 
erty. 

Amanda Meek, his Cousin, an aged Spinster. 
Billy Crotty, an octogenarian Tramp. 
Tim Johnson, an old, deaf, and tottering Rake. 
Jurymen, Court Attendants, etc. 

Lawyer Smart (opening case). — Gentlemen, you are all 
of you familiar, no doubt, with the romances of Sylvanus 
Cobb, that great light of fiction, whose effulgence is dif- 
fused throughout so many pages of our " Family papers." 
You have read with astonishment the extraordinary ad- 
ventures of his heroes, and have marvelled at the impos- 
sible difficulties in which they have become involved, and 
at the equally impossible means by which they have be- 
come extricated. But, gentlemen, never have you read of 
so remarkable a story as the one which the case before us 
now is about to unfold. Truly was it said that " Truth is 
stranger than Fiction." My client, the venerable gentle- 
man sitting before you (pointing to Reginald Gaybird), 
is here to prove his indubitable right to a vast estate. For 

(103) 



I nil- 1 0N< 1VBIRD vs. AMANDA Ml I 

forty odd years he has lived in ignorance of liis wealth. 
eking out e\ is a cowboy in Northern Texas. Why 

be follow 90 mean a ; jreat a length of 

l I reply in the language of the poet : 

"Why does the ; 
For the obvious reason, because he's an ass." 

I that I would ine my client to he an ass, 

ntlemen. Far from it. He has fed on the thistles of life, 
because he has not known where the grass grew. This he 
has now discovered, and has come North to feed. (Pauses 
to produce an tmj . i Many in this vicinity can recall 

you v Gaybird, and his innocent pranks. The story 

of his sudden disappearance from our town is still related 
by the oldest inhabitants. It occurred some forty years 
ago, as I have ascertained; and never until within the past 
two months has he revisited the scenesof his youth. He 
mu\ [claim, with tear-bedewed cheeks, M Once more 

I stand upon me native heath." (Pauses.) The circum- 
stances leading to Mr. Gaybird's departure from his native 
town, I shall let you hear from his own lips. It is sufficient 
for me to state that he has been supposed dead for many 
years, and it is from this erroneous supposition that his 
property has been held by others for so long a time. I am 
not here to heap blame upon any one's head, but merely to 
n his just claims. Here is a copy of his father's will, 
from which I shall read (draws will from inside coat-pocket % 
u I bequeath my entire estate to my only son, 
inald, and to his children ; but in case of his decease 
te, I bequeath my entire property to Amanda 
my niece." i fill, and restores it to insi 

fict the case in a nutshell. The 

that renders valid the claim of the present 
)t of the Gaybird estate, gives to my client a prior 
claim. There can be no controversy on that point. The 



THE LONG-LOST GAYBIRD VS. AMANDA MEEK. 105 

question resolves itself, therefore, to one of identity solely. 
Is, or is not, the gentleman sitting yonder Reginald Gay- 
bird ? I hope to prove by reputable witnesses that he is, 
but we will first hear his own story. Mr. Gay bird, we will 
hear from you, if you please. 

Gaybird {shuffles into witness-box Jakes a chew of tobacco, 
and proceeds). — I ain't used ter any of this law business, 
gentlemen. Down in my country every man is his own 
lawyer ; and carries the best kind o' an arguer fur justice 
in his belt. It's a cold day when I git left down thar. It 
appears that things work different around these parts, and 
I'm willin' to act accordin' to what's squar. I used ter live 
here some forty odd year ago, and was considered a prutty 
hard 'uri. My old man never took any stock in my goin's 
on, though I suppose he wus no better when he wus young 
himself. He wus a queer, a reg'lar queer. He had what 
me and Tim Johnson used ter call the " Methedist fever." 
He'd go ter church a Sunday, and ter prayer-meetin' 
reg'lar every night in ther week. The way we cum ter part 
company wus thus wise. He had a contract ter build a 
house fur the parson ter live in, which he got all along o' 
goin' ter church so reg'lar. But in doin' the job he acted 
crooked, and I know'd it, so, says I ter him, " If you don't 
produce the boodle ter help me make good, I'll give yer 
dead away." He didn't produce, and I swar I didn't have 
the heart ter give him away, but you kin bet I had ter dust. 
That wus some forty odd year ago, if I reckelect right, and 
ever since then I've been down in Texas, in the cattle bis- 
ness. I might a done well enough if I could a swore off, 
but I kept a " blowin' it in " as fast as I " caught on," and I 
suppose I'll keep on " blowin' it in " until I blow m)-self in as 
a wind-up. Ther way I cum to find out about how things 
stood up here wus thus wise. An old feller from these 
parts come down thar to invest in some land, and in the 
course of havin' a few drinks with him I diskivered that I 



106 TH1 JAYBIRD VS. AMANDA MEEK. 

id, Which I hadn't Icnow'd afore, and that a cousin 

mine wus livin' off the money which my father had left 

ru\ I might a let t' md jest as they did, if it 

i thai I i lettle too old ter go out 

on ther " round-ups. " Therefor, I come North to see if 

I couldn't git what be) me, in order ter start a 

ranch of my own down than That's all I've got tcr 

and I'm will in' to trust to you ter treat me on the 
squar. {Turns to tak r/.) 

Sta\ ! I have a few questions I should 
like to put to the gentleman. 

Gaybird. — All right, stranger; blaze away. 

Sharp. — Will you kindly tell us your age ? 

Gaybird. — No! my fresh young man, I kindly will not! 

Sharp. — You refuse to answer my question ? 

Gavdird. — That's jest what I do, exactly. 

Sharp {to Judge). — Do you mark that, your Honor? 

Judge. — Answer the question, sir! 

Sharp. — What is your age ? 

Gaybird. — I believe I told you I wouldn't answer that 
question. 

Judge (severely). — Answer the question, sir, or you shall 
be made to feel that we are not to be trifled with. I give 
you one more chance. Repeat the query, Mr. Sharp. 

Sharp. — Can you tell us your age? What is it? 

Gaybird. — I dun-no. 

Judge. — How dare you trifle with the court, sir! Why 
did you not answer before? 

Gaybird. — I ain't triflin' with no court. I only wanted 
ter tell the truth. That's what I'm here fur, ain't it ? If 
I VI a gone an' given it to you that I was seventy, and you 
found out by the Family Bible I wus only sixty-five, what 
would a bin the consequences ? Don't bull-doze me. Give 
me a show, and I'll act on the squar. 

Judge. — Silence! silence, sir! Confine yourself to an- 



THE LONG-LOST GAYBIRD VS. AMANDA MEEK. 107 

swering the questions asked you. I shall allow no more 
of this erratic testimony. Remember, Mr. Sharp {turning 
to Sharp), we are here to prove the identity of this indi- 
vidual. Confine the range of your questions, therefore, to 
accomplish that end. 

Sharp. — Very* well, your Honor; I shall remember. (To 
Gaybird.) Can you read ? 

Gaybird. — I reckon I kin. 

Sharp. — Write ? 

Gaybird. — Quite right. 

Sharp. — Add, subtract, multiply, divide? 

Gaybird. — Afore the ivories have show r ed up on the 
cloth. 

Sharp. — You have received, then, a liberal education ? 

Gaybird. — Lib'ral enough on the part of the public tax- 
payers, but putty mean on the part of the old man. 

Sharp. — Very good ! Will you kindly read from this 
book ? (Hands Gaybird a volume of Shakespeare, and 
glances around triumphantly.) 

(Gaybird, having perused a page or two in silence, hands 
book back to Sharp.) 

Gaybird. — That may be very eloquent, stranger; but it 
ain't quite nat'ral. 

Sharp. — Read it to us. Read it to us. (Aside.) I have 
caught him in a clever trap, a very clever trap. 

Gaybird. — I ain't no public reader, friends. 

Sharp (laughing and rubbing his hands). — I thought 
not ; and very probably, gentlemen, he cannot read at all. 
We all know that Reginald Gaybird was a graduate of our 
town free-school. Therefore, if this man were the long- 
lost Gaybird, he would have found no difficulty with the 
text before him. 

Gaybird. — Jest open that thar book at the dog-ear'd 
I :af, and I'll explain the difficulty in a few words. 

Sharp (aside). — Now he will certainly lose all chance of 



[HE LONG-LOOT GAYttlRD VS. AMANDA MEEK. 

a judgment. {Opens book as directed, and hands it to Gay* 

ID.) 

Gaybiri "To be, or not to be. That is the 

question." To be what? Thai's the difficulty. The man 

them thar words forgot to finish what he was 

JUDGE, — There is no necessity of occupying the precious 
time of this court with any more questions of this kind, 
Mr. Sharp. It is obvious that the man can read ; and if he 
can read, it naturally follows that he can write, and add, 
and subtract, and divide, and multiply; which is all that 
Mr. Reginald Gaybird, if tradition speaks truly, could ac- 
complish. 

Sharp (in a crestfallen manner). — Very well, your Honor. 
I have finished with the gentleman. 

Gaybird (triumphantly)* — Is there anybody else as wants 
to question me ? 

Judge. — No one sir. You may take your seat. 
SMART. — My next witness, gentlemen, is the worthy 
Timothy Johnson, our oldest inhabitant. 

(Tim Johnson hobbles into witness box with ear-trumpet 
in his hand.) 

Smart (shouting). — Were you not a friend of young 
^inald Gaybird, who lived in this town some forty years 
ago? 

Johnson.— Gaybird ! Gaybird! Little Reggy do you 
mean ? Oh, yes ! I knew him well. 

\rt.— When did you see him last? 
J' tfing ear-tritmpet). - Eh ? 

RT;— When did your sec him last? 

! did you say? Yes! he was a pretty 
Oung man, but gencro'is to a fault. 
i<t (vrxedlj).—Ko ! No ! ! No ! ! ! (Shouting.) When 
did you sec him 1 

JOHNSON, — Oh ! yes ! yes ! ! When did I see hirn. Why, 



THE LONG-LOST GAYBIRD VS. AMANDA MEEK. 109 

I saw him for the first time in forty years — about two 
months ago. 

Smart. — Please state the circumstances of meeting him. 

Johnson. — What chances of cheating him ? None what- 
ever, I can assure you. He was far too wide-awake for 
that, and would catch you at stacking the cards, every 
time. He was a bright young man. 

Smart (shouting each word distinctly in mouth of car- 
trumpet). — How — when — and — where — did — you — meet — 
him? 

Johnson. — Oh, yes! of course. It was in this manner: 
A visitor came to my house one night about two months 
ago, and asked for Tim Johnson. He was brought into the 
sitting-room where I was reading, and grasped my hand 
before I could rise, shouting, " Don't you know me, pard ? " 
To tell the truth, I did not, until he told me his name, and 
then — why, of course I recognized little Reggy, although 
he was grown to be an old fellow like myself. Then I 
brought out the bottle, and — he ! he ! ! he ! ! ! we made a 
night of it. 

Sharp (sarcastically). — He must have enjoyed a social 
chat with you immensely. 

Smart. — For shame, Mr. Sharp, to jest with the infirm- 
ities of age. (Turning to witness.) Would you recognize 
the gentleman, known as Reginald Gaybird, if he were 
present? 

Johnson. — Oh ! certainly. 

Smart. — Mr. Gaybird, this way, if you please. (Turning 
to Johnson.) Is not this the man ? 

JOHNSON (taking old-fashioned spectacles from pocket and 
placing them on nose). — How are you, Reggy? 

Gaybird. — Bloomin', pard! How's yourself? 

Johnson. - Eh? 

Gaybird (shouting). — How's yourself? 

Johnson. — Very well, Reggy, very well, considering. 



no rm LONG- LOST QAYBIRD vs. AMANDA MEEK. 

Would you like to question this witness, Mr. 

: "p ? 

Sh \ki\ — No, thank you. I do not care to ruin my bron- 
chial tul 

LRT. — You may resume your scat, Mr. Johnson. 
(Johnson does not hear, and remains immovable?) 

Smart (fonder). — You may take your seat. 

(No effects 

SHARP. — \ ou may take your seat. 

JUDGE.— Sit down, sir. {Still no effect?) 

Chorus: Legalcap, Smart, Sharp. — You— may — sit — 
down. 

Johnson (starting). — Oh, yes ! very true. Thank you, 
gentlemen. I shall be glad to please you. (Resumes his 
seat.) 

Smart. — Your Honor, I have but one more witness to 
prove my case. An old man verging toward the grave, and 
I trust Mr. Sharp will spare us the acidity of his tongue. 
This trifling with gray hairs is indecorous in the extreme. 

Sharp. — How filial a son you must be, Mr. Smart. 

Smx\rt. — At least I reverence gray hairs. 

(Leads a decrepit old man to the stand.) 

Smart {with feigned respect). — What is your name? 

Witness. — Billy ! 

Smart. — Very good, but your full name, please. 

Witness.— Gintlcmcn calls me Williams ; my friends 
calls me Billy ; and the boys calls me "Old Tank." 

Judge. — We know you, sir. Have a care how you 
answer. 

WITNESS. — You wouldn't give me tin days fur nothin', 
Juel 

Judge. — You may get a worse punishment than that if 
you give such irrelevant answer*. 

WITNESS. — I meant no irriverence, on me word, yer 
Honor. 



THE LONG-LOST GAYBIRD VS. AMANDA MEEK. Ill 

Judge. — Enough. Proceed, Mr. Smart. 

Smart. — Now, Billy, we only want you to tell us your 
last name. 

Witness. — Oh, me last name, is it ? Why, Crotty of 
coorse, as his Honor knows very well. 

Smart. — Your age, please? 

Witness. — I reckin I'm summat about threescore year 
and ten. I lost track some twinty year ago. 

Smart. — Where were you born ? 

Witness. — The house I was born in used to stand on 
the courner of High Street, but it was tore down many a 
long year ago. 

Smart. — Very good ! You are an old inhabitant of this 
town. Have you lived here all your life ? 

Witness. — I very lad in the village can tell you so. 

Smart. — Were you ever in business here ? 

Witness. — Yes ; I used ter keep the " Peddlar's Rest," 
Mike Dugan's place. 

Smart. — Very good ! Were you ever acquainted with 
Reginald Gaybird ? 

Witness (chuckling). — You're right, I was. A good boy 
he was, too , although when he skipped he owed me twinty 
dollars. 

Smart. — Would you know him now if he should return ? 

Witness. — I could stake me sowl on the lad. Shure 
he's a mark on his arm that'll last him fur life. 

Smart. — What is the nature of this mark ? 

Wttness. — I cud tell yer better wan I saw it. Sumphat 
about a gurl he kipt company wid. Her name, and a heart 
pricked in wid rid, fite, and blue. 

Smart. — Mr. Gaybird, come forward, please. (Turning 
to witness.) Is this the man? 

Witness (after a close scrutiny of Gaybird' '§ features). — 
Sure if I cud see the rid, fite, and blue on his arm I cud 
sware it was Reggy himself. 



113 THt LONG-LOST GAYBIKD VS, AMANDA MEEK, 

lease tO show the mark, Mr. (Jaybird. 

u/fy examines.) 
Wi i >hure there's no usegoin'onannyfurderwid 

i thrial. limself. 

. —You n the g< ntleman ? 

Witness. — And if it wusn't fur the mark, 1 cud tell him 
by the cunnin' eye he has. The \ iry same rogue of an eye 
that broke the gurls' hearts years gone by. 

SMART. — Enough! Here is an indubitable proof of my 
client's identity. What more can you ask, gentlemen? 
fury,) I have finished my case and leave it in 
your hands, confident of a verdict. 

Sharp. — May I ask the witness a question or two? 
Judge. — You certainly have that privilege. 
Sharp (/o witness). — What is your occupation? 
WITNESS. — A retired gintlcman. 

Sharp. — A retired gentleman, indeed. What is your an- 
nual income ? 

WITNESS.— I have noa income. Shure it's all outcome. 

Sharp. — In what manner outcome? 

Witness. — The outcome of me fellow bein's ginirosity. 

Sharp. — You see, gentlemen, the character of the wit- 

9 upon whose word the claimant's identity hinges. A 

village pauper, a tavern roisterer. What faith can be placed 

in such testimony ? To my mind this is a shrewd case of 

blackmail. The character of the claimant, and of the wit- 

brought forward to establish his claim, fully bear 

out in this theory. ( To witness.) I have finished with 

for the • sir; and you may be thankful hereafter 

if you are not brought before this bar to answer charges of 

perjury. ( // r itness takes his seat.) 

itleraen, the defence has little to do in this 
. iie absurdity of the claim is too obvious to demand 
an elaborate I shall prove to your entire satisfac- 

tion that Reginald Gaybird, after a life the most dissolute; 



THE LONG-LOST GAYBIRD VS. AMANDA MEEK. 1 13 

after having sacrificed all claims to paternal tolerance ; 
after having amassed debts, and thrown to the four winds 
of heaven every honorable impulse, ran away to Texas, and 
there died a violent death. Miss Meek, the present pos- 
sessor of the Gaybird estates, is the only witness I shall 
call to establish my case, for I deem it unnecessary to rake 
up all the octogenarians in the town to deny the identity 
of the claimant. Miss Meek, if you please, we will hear 
your unvarnished story. 

( M 1 SS Amanda Meek, a venerable spinster, takes the stand?) 

Sh.arp. — Were you acquainted with Reginald Gaybird ? 

Amanda. — Yes, we were always together as children. 

Sharp. — Do you recollect the circumstances of his dis- 
appearance? 

Amanda. — Very well. He had a falling out with Uncle 
Siias, his father, and ran away in a fit of passion, to revenge 
himself. 

Sharp. — A novel revenge, surely. Did you not hear of 
his death a few years afterwards ? 

Amanda. — Yes. Poor fellow, he died of a broken heart. 
You see lie could not live away from his loved one. Poor 
Reggy, ours has been a romantic affair. But 1 have been 
true to you, Reggy, and have refused all of the many offers 
I have received since you left me so cruelly. {Weeps.) 
Yes, poor fellow, he died of a broken heart. 

Sharp. — I thought it was of a broken head. 

Amanda. — His physical death undoubtedly resulted 
from the tomahawk of an Apache, but his heart was dead 
long before that. 

Gaybird {who has scrutinized her features closely all this 
time, breaks forth). — Wal, I'm blamed if that ain't 

Amanda, shur'n I'm alive. 

Judge. — Silence! in court. 

Sharp. — How did you hear of his death ? 

Amanda. — 1 first read of it in the newspapers, and after- 
8 



114 TUF TnN GAYBIRD vs. AMANDA MEEK. 

war red a letter from an acquaintance of his. stating 

that the man killed on the Rio Grande was without doubt 
inald. as he had departed for a mining-camp in that 
few days before. 

GAYBIRD {starting up). — That's all true, you kin bet, 
Jedge, but it wasn't me as was killed, but Squint-eyed Jake, 
as was along with me. I escaped by standin' in the water 
up to me nose, and bein' hid by the reeds what grew in 
the river. (To Amanda) Don't yer know me, 'Manda ? 
Don't yer know Gaybird ? (baring his arm.) Can't yer 
remember when we went to the County Fair together, en 
I had this yere heart pricked in me skin, 'cause yer wanted 
me ter ? Look ! Look ! ( Thrusts his arm before her eyes?) 

AMANDA (after a close 'scrutiny). — Oh ! my long-lost 
Reggy. (Sinks in his arms?) 

Sharp.— That settles the whole business. 

[Quick curtain. 



THE TRIAL OF SIR AUGUSTUS 
SWINDLE. 



Dramatis Persons. 

JUDGE Stiff, learned and bombastic. 

Mrs. Easy, Boarding-house keeper. 

Sir Augustus Swindle, impecunious Baron. 

Lawyer Single, Prosecution. 

Lawyer Double, Defotce. 

Mr. Lush, Witness for Prosecution. 

Mr. Cranium, Prof essrr of Phrenology. 

Judge Stiff {opening court, slowly and pompously). — I 
will now condescend to hear the next case on the docket, 
Easy versus Swindle. 

Lawyer Single {bobbing up nervously). — I appear for the 
prosecution. 

Lawyer Double. — And I for the defence. 

Judge. — Gentlemen, that is not the way to address the 
honorable court. 

Single {bowing deeply). — May it please your Honor, it is 
my humble duty to appear for the plaintiff in this case. 

Judge. — You may proceed, sir. 

Single. — Briefly, your Honor, my client, Mrs. Easy, the 
proprietress of a fashionable boarding-house, claims to 
have been swindled by a rascally scamp who has imposed 
upon her motherly feelings in a shameless way. This man 

(ii5) 



I 16 THE TRIAL ov SIR AUG! W iNPii. 

claimed to be an English Baron, but the only thing about 

him that Looked like Baron was his pocket-book, and that was 

taiuly barren enough. For three months he impc* 

enerOUS Mrs. Easy, living in her finest apart- 
ments and partaking Largely of the delicacies of her larder,- 
without paving her so much as one dollar. We hi 
brought him here to enforce this payment, and our claim 
is tor twelve weeks' board, at $20 per week, aggregating in 
all. $240. 

Mrs. Easy, you will please testify to your wrongs. 

(Mrs. Easy takes stand.) 

Single. — Can you relate to us the circumstances of this 
case ? 

Mrs. Easy. — Very simply. I am the widow of the late 
lamented Edward Easy, a man of remarkably fine physique 
and pleasing manners. He loved me devotedly, but left 
me nothing at his death excepting his clothes, which in- 
cluded a ten-cent piece and a pocket-knife. With this 
stock in trade I could do nothing to start in life, so I ad- 
vertised for boarders, taking a large house in a good local- 
ity to begin my new life. 

Amongst my first applicants was Sir Augustus Swindle. 
His manners interested me, and it seemed indeed his ob- 
ject that I should be pleased with him. He completely 
won my confidence. He was so kind to my little Hobby: 
gave him a»pples, and sent him of errands in the kindest way 
p ssible. He told me that he was very wealthy, but had 
run away from his home in England, Cheatem Manor, 
Footpad Lane, because his father had taken a second wife ; 
and the idea of a stranger taking his wept-for mother's 
place was too much. At present he was embarrassed, but 
in a few weeks would receive large remittances from his 
b relatives. Of course, I was delighted to have so 
i in my house, and only discovered his roguery 
when lie decamped one night to reside in more elegant 



THE TRIAL OF SIR AUGUSTUS SWINDLE. 1 17 

apartments. If he can live in the manner he does, he can 
certainly pay me what he owes. 

Single. — And rest assured, madam, he shall pay you. 

Judge. — No asides, if you please. Remember you must 
observe the etiquette of the court. 

Double (seated). — Now let me ask the witness a few 
questions. 

Judgii. — Arise, sir. How dare you address the honorable 
court in a sitting posture. 

Double {rising and bowing). — I crave the honorable 
pardon of your Honor's honorable court. 

Judge. — Your abject apology is accepted, sir. Pro- 
ceed. 

Double {turning to witness). — When did you first enter- 
tain Sir Augustus Swindle as your g nest ? 

Mrs. Easy. — He first crossed my threshold about four 
months ago. 

Double.— And when did he take his departure? 

Single (interrupting). — Say, rather, when did he ab- 
scond ? 

Double. — I appeal to the honorable court against this 
interruption. 

Judgf. — And your appeal is granted. It shall never be 
said that Judge Stiff was appealed to in vain. Be silent, 
Mr. Single ! Proceed, Mr. Double ! 

Double. — When did the defendant leave your premises ? 

Mrs. Easy. — About a month ago. 

Double. — That was the limit of his visit ? 

Mrs. Easy. — Yes. 

Double (chuckling). — Now, tell me, madam, what has 
possessed you to appear against your guest in a case of this 
kind ? Is it usual in society for us to sue our visitors for 
board ? 

Mrs. Easy. — But he wasn't my guest. He was simply 
a boarder, a first-floor boarder at that. 



11S THE 1K1AI, OF SIR AUGUSTUS SWINDLE. 

Doi d surprise), — Oh! 

i said he was your guest, your visit 
[udge. — So you did, ma/dam. 
Mrs -Did I ? Well, I did not mean it. 

JUDGE. — Confine yourself to what you do mean. You 
be seated. 

(Mrs. Easy takes her scat.) 

Single. — Mr. Lush, please step forward. 

(Lush takes the stand.) 

Single. — Were you not a fellow-boarder of Augustus 
Swindle's, when he lived with Mrs. Easy? 

Lush.— Yes. 

Single. — What was your impression of his means ? 

Lush. — My impression was that he never had the means 
to make good a fifty-dollar note he borrowed from me dur- 
ing the first week. 

Single. — So he owes you fifty ? (Aside.) I'll get another 
case here. And he won't pay you ? Now, answer me this. 
Did you ever consider him a cheat ? 

Lush.— Yes. 

Single. — What was his manner of living and spending 
while a boarder in Mrs. Easy's house ? 

Lush. — He lived on the cream of everything in the 
house, and had a wonderfully free way of spending other 
pie's money. We boarders made a grand concerted 
protest at his impudence; but Mrs. Easy seemed to like 
him, and allowed him to have his own way. Why, he'd 
thump on his piano until two or three in the morning. 

SINGLE. — Never mind that. What I want to know is, if 
he ever had any money of his own ? 

Lush. — Yes, but we never saw its color. He spent it all 
in the society of dudes and men-about-town. 

Single. — How did he get this money? 

Lush. — Well, he got fifty out of me, and he stuck Pro- 
or Cranium for a hundred, and I guess he must have 



THE TRIAL OF SIR AUGUSTUS SWINDLE. 1 19 

struck some rich shallowpate lately, the high way he's been 
goin' on. 

Single. — He has money, has he ? Well, that is what 
we want to know. How he came by it is another matter. 
I am through with you. 

Double (rising). — A few words, if you please. Did you 
not tell the defendant that he need not be in a hurry to 
pay you the money he borrowed of you ? 

Lush. — Oh ! of course. We all say that. 

Double. — Well, he hasn't been in a hurry. They all do 

that. You may be seated. 

(LUSH takes seat.) 

Single. — Mr. Cranium, to the stand. 

(Cranium takes the stand.) 

Single. — In what capacity do you appear, Mr. Cranium, 
as a witness ? 

Cranium. — I am an examiner of skulls, bumps, protuber- 
ances, and excrescences on the human pate. 

Single. — Have you ever examined the defendant's head ? 

Cranium.— I have. 

Single. — What phrenological indications did you ob- 
serve thereon ? 

Cranium. — I found a large bump of impecuniosity be- 
hind the flab of his left aural appendage. I also found the 
skinosity apparent by a large fleshy protuberance under the 
chin. 

Single. — What do you mean by aural appendages ? 

Cranium. — I mean the flabs on the side of a jackass's 
head. 

Single. — Jackass ! I am not talking of jackasses, I'm 
talking of men. 

Cranium. — Well, what's the difference ? 

Single. — Not much ! but what did strike you as remark- 
able irrdefendant's skull ? 

Cranium.— Nothing. 



I20 THE rRIAL Of SIR AUGUSTUS SWIND 

d he have a bump of philoprogenitive!* 

Cram i.m. — In a small d 

— 1 low about his bump of impecuniosity? 
Very larj 

ience. I be- 
llow about his bump of skinosityf 
LNIUM. — Well, I thought it enormous. 

— Now, what do you really mean by skinosity ? 
CRANIUM* — That, sir, is a term invented by myself to 
indicate the propensity in human nature to exist upon the 
labor of others. 

SINGLE. — Do you mean that the defendant is a skin? 

INIUM. — No, not that exactly — only an English Baron. 
Single. — Same thing, I fancy, in this instance. That 
will do so far as I am concerned, Mr. Cranium. 

hle {rising}* — In examining defendant's head, did 
you not observe the bump of benevolence ? 

Cranium. — Where the bump of benevolence should have 
been, there was a hollow. 

Double. — How large a hollow? 

Cranium.— You couldn't drive a team into it, but you 
could put your finger there and feel the cavity. 

DOUBLE. — Very good. Now, what was your general im- 
pression of the man's character from the aggregate indica- 
tions you observed ? 
Cranium.— Very bad. 

Double. — You are a scientific man, are you not? 
Ch -I am that, exactly that. 

.—Then the scientific name for what we unen- 
tople call the Adam's-apple, is technically called 
bump of ' y ? 

— Have you ever known a man with an Adam's- 
who was not a skin ? 



THE TRIAL OF SIR AUGUSTUS SWINDLE. I2T 

Double. — Then how do you account for the Adam's- 
apple conspicuous in the throats of our leading divines ? 

Cranium (be wilder -ed). — Well ! Well ! I really can't tell 
about divines. They are a unique class. 

Double. — Well, how about the Adam's-apple conspicu- 
ous in the throats of so many of our leading lawyers ? 

Cranium. — Well ! I can't answer for lawyers. They are 
a remarkable set of men. 

Double. — How about the Adam's-apple conspicuous in 
the throats of our most eminent philanthropists, states- 
men, senators, and undertakers ? 

Cranium. — I give in. You need not proceed. Your 
point is gained. Hereafter I shall make the Adam's-apple 
my peculiar study. 

Judge. — You may be seated, sir. Your learned expert 
testimony will gain you credit with all readers of the Morn- 
ing Journal, where you may be sure it will appear in full. 
(Continuing-.} Our time is precious, gentlemen. Have you 
any other witnesses to bring forward, Mr. Single? 

Single. — None, your Honor. 

Judge. — Lawyer Double, you may proceed with the de- 
fence. 

Double. — I have already in my cross-examinations of 
my learned brother's witnesses, accomplished most of my 
work. I shall simply let you hear Sir Augustus recite his 
own tale. Step forward, my lord ! (Sir Augustus takes 
the stand.} Proceed, my lord ! 

Sir Augustus.— My first recollection of the plaintiff 
was about four months ago, when I met her in her own 
parlor in answer to an advertisement she had put in the 
Herald. She appeared a very nice person, you know, and 
really I carn't find it in my heart to treat met persons coldly, 
you know. So it naturally resulted that a sort of mutual 
liking sprang up between us. Of course, you know, we 
.: not on what one might call familiar terms, but we 



i:j IllK 1K1A1 Of SIR AUGUSTUS SWINDi 

rather liked one another. You see she reminded me re- 

I mamma, and that was enough to open 

She became interested arfter 

1 had been with her a week, and begged me not to mention 
the subject of "board" to her, until I received my remit- 
tances from abroad. Of course arfter such an exhibition 
of kind and sympathetic feeling, I could not find it in my 
heart, you know, to open the subject, therefore I remained 
in her house as a guest, until I could find more suitable 
quarters. That is the whole story. 

Single {rising). — Have you ever received those remit- 
tances from abroad ? 

Sir Augustus. — No! Not yet, although they must 
surely be on their way here by this time. 

Single — How long have they been in coming? 

Sir Augustus. — There have been dilficulties in the way, 
you know. I never expected them to come quickly. 

Single.— What difficulties? 

Sir Augustus. — Why, for instance, there was Sir Clin- 
ton Sharper ; he was at Monte Carlo when my letter ar- 
rived at his country-seat, and the delay was rather unlooked 
for, you know, at least on my part, and there was — 

Single. — Never mind who the parties were. Is the 
money coming now ? 

Sir Augustus. — Yes ! Why, — Yes, yes, undoubtedly / 

SINGLE. — Then will you give me an order on the amount 
upon its arrival? 

Sir Augustus. — Certainly. I can give you an "order" 
i anything and for any amount, you know. 

Judge. — Will an order for the money satisfy your client, 
Mr. Single ? 

,le.— I guess it's about the best we can do. If it is 
not paid, we can at least execute a judgment. 

Oh, certainly! you can file all the judg- 
ments you wish, my good fellow. 



THE TRIAL OF SIR AUGUSTUS SWINDLE. 



123 



Judge. — Then let the defendant execute the order at 
once. 

Sir Augustus. — Certainly. {Takes up pen and writes 
cyder.) There, now, that must certainly satisfy all claims. 

Single. — I hope so. 

Judge. — The case is off, gentlemen. You may depart. 

[Lawyers, etc., exit. 



THE CASE OF THE WIDOW CROLV. 



Dramatis Persons. 

]vv I nd fearless old frontiersman {slouch hat and 

fir). 
MUSTANG Jim, <? worthless scamp {red nose and husky 

5. CROLY, widow of the late Ben Croly, proprietress of 
" Croly s Rest." 

DIAMOND PETE, youthful negro, with morbid fear of fire- 
arms. 

ROUNDUP Johnny, frontier rough and professional co: 

Lawyer Shoot'em, tall and fierce, with sa \7. 

LAWYER KnIFE'EM, slender, fiery, and active in moveme?it. 

( fudge seated behind the widow's bar ; lawyers at tables in 
bar-room ; the widow and witnesses seated on boxes against 
all.) 

Judge. — Before this yere trial takes a move, I want you 
boys ter step right yere and hand over yer shootin' pops. 
There ain't gone ter be no row in this court, and don't you 
t it. 

' the men step forward and deposit pistols on the bar.) 
JUDGE (continuing). — What's that thar buckhorn-handle 

in' out o' your hip-pocket signefy, Lawyer Knife'em? 
Knipe'eii —It si nothin'l 

J U I GE ( xirik with clenched hand). — Wal, you 

luce that nothin' on this yere bar prutty quick. Do 
yer understand ; 



THE CASE OF THE WIDOW CROLY. 1 25 

Knife'em. — Didn't know I had it stowed away back thar, 
Jedge. Shool me if it ain't true. 

( Walks forward and lays bowie-knife on bar.) 

Judge. — An* you, Diamond Pete; what yer got in yer 
coat-pocket ? 

Pete. — Nuthin'! 

Judge — Look a yere, boys ! If yer try any games here 
yer'll all git left. I mean bisness. Come here, yer black 
raskill, and lay that thar razor on the bar. 

Pete. — Fo' de Lord's sake, Jedge, doan think I mean 
ter do work wid it in yere. I fo'got to shave mesself dis 
morn in', and brought it down yere for de pu'pose ob clean- 
in' my face. 

Judge. — I ain't a kid, Pete, to believe sich a yarn. If 
yer forgot ter shave yourself, how did yer happen ter reck- 
oliect puttin' the razor in yer pocket? Come, hand it 
over prutty lively, or there'll be a row. (Pete steps forward 
and hands out razor) Now, boys, yer may go on with the 
bisness as brought us yere. 

Shoot'em. — It ain't very frequent as a woman comes to 
these parts, and when a community is fort'nate enough to 
have one livin* right amongst 'em, I say it's a shame ter ill- 
treat her. Now, here's Ben Croly's widder, a decent, nice 
woman as ever lived, a sort o' blessin' as it were to our 
camp. It aggrawates me beyond speakin' to think how 
she's bin treated. Why, Jedge, this feller, Mustang Jim, has 
bin a courtin' her, as we all knows, ever since Ben handed 
in his chips. Now, what do yer think of a feller as would 
go back on a woman ? What would yer think of a feller 
as would hang a woman up for drinks as had no nat'ral 
protector? What would yer think of a feller as would tell 
this lonely female as ter how he'd make it all right when 
they was man and wife ? Yer'd think nothin' of him, 
wouldn't yer? Yer kin bet yer would, and so would I. 
Wal, that's just what Mustang Jim has gone and done. 



!HK WIDOW CROLY. 

Jim . — That's false. Lawyer Shoot 'em. and yer 

knows it well. 

for pistol in his belt). — Look yere, Jedge ; 
hand me over my pop, will yer? 

J in xdishing two revolvers)* — If thar's goin' ter be 

any shootin' yere, I want yer all ter understand that I've 

got the drop on the whole parcel of yer. (To MUSTANG 

Jim ) Jim. you keep yer mouth shut till it becomes yer to 

v. Now go ahead, Lawyer Shoot'cm. 

Shoot'em. — It's dead agin the law ter interrupt, ain't that 
so, Jedge ? 

Judge.— What do you know about the law? Leave all 
sich pints ter me. I'll settle 'em. 

Shoot'em. — Very well, Jedge. As I wus a sayin', now 
that Mustang Jim's gone and done this thing, the widder 
feels kind o' bad over it, and has come here fur her rights. 
In the fust place she's in love with Jim, and is bound ter 
make him marry her. 

Jim.— Not if I knows it. 

Judge {severely). — Shut up, Jim; do yer hear? 

Shoot'em. — In ther second place, she wants Jim ter make 
good what he's hung up on her slate. Now I've made my 
statement. I look ter you, Jedge, ter compel Jim ter dis- 
gorge the sum of ninety-nine dollars and ninety-nine 
cents fur the rum he drunk, and ter marry the widder right 

re in this court, or ter disgorge damages ter the amount 
of five hundred dollars. {Sits down.) 

Judge. — Wal, where's yer witnesses ter these yere 

II.—] don't need no witnesses. Ain't the rase 

clear enough ? 

Judge. — Yes, but yer ain't proved nothin'. 

Shoot'em. — Ain't proved nothin' ? I thought I was solid 

you, Jedge. I didn't know as you wus goin' ter make 

me prove anything ter win my case. Why, Lor' bless yer, 



THE CASE OF THE WIDOW CROLY. 127 

down East, whar I cum from when a youngster, I've seen 
many a case won whar nuthin' at all was proved agin the 
criminal. 

Judge. — I don't care what you seen down Yeast. I want 
proofs fur these yere statements wot you've made, or I'll 
fine you fur triflin' with the feelin's of this yere party of the 
second part. And before goin' further, I want this court 
ter know that in legal langwich the party of ther fust part 
is the female always, and the male is ther party of the 
second part. This, boys, is a perlite way of puttin' the 
woman alius fust. 

Shoot'em. — Then ther widder is ter be called the party 
of the fust part ? 

Judge. — That's right ; and Jim over thar is the party of 
the second part. 

Knife'em {podding significantly). — That's good law, 
boys. Good, sound United States of Ameriky statue-book 
law. 

{All present look at one another approvingly^ 

Shoot'em. — Wal, Jedge, I ain't exactly prepared with 
witnesses. But I guess Diamond Pete kin tell us a lettle 
about ther truth of my statements. Come yere, Pete. 
(P ET E com es forward and places elbow on the bar.) Didn't 
yer know all along as ter how ther party of ther second 
part was putty sweet on the party of the fust part ? 

Pete. — Guess it's worth a drink, boss, ter tell all dis aisr- 
ger knows. 

Judge.— Wal said, Pete ! Perhaps ther widder's got some 
good corn whiskey back o' this yere bar. Whar's yere 
whiskey, Mrs. Croly? 

Mrs. Croly.— Shure ye'll foind ther whuskey in ther 
brown kag, behint yer back. 

Judge {smiling grimly).— -Wal, boys, I'll adjurn court 
until we have a drink. What do yer say ? 

All in chorus.— Right you are. 



TH1 i in- winow CR01 v. 

hat and filling them one by one). 
forr&rd and drink like men. 
Jim g*lp)* — l 7 i^ cm ll P a .^ in ' Jcdge. 

I'm terrible dry. 

MRS. CROLY. — Nary a dhrop mour shall ycr have. Whin- 
ever jrer cum near a smeli O 1 free whnskey yere clean gone 
/.v, shure yet are. Gintlemin, ycr all welcome to treat 
•Its, but don't let that blaggard taste a dhrop mour. 
GE. — Take yer seat, Jim. Boys, here goes fur an- 
other round. {Fills glasses, which arc emptied by others.) 

JUDGE (raffling an bar with butt of pistol). — Order, boys. 
The trial will now proceed. 

SHOOT'EM. — Wal, Pete, now you've had yer drink, an- 
swer my question. Wasn't Jim, over thar. sweet on the 
good widder as has jest treated you ter whiskey? 
Pete. — Kinder 'spect he wus, bo 

Shoot'em. — Warn't you ther widder's help for some 
time past ? 

::. — Yes, I kept de bar when she washed de close, 
end I bounced de unruly cowboys when dcy gun ter 
fight. 

Shoot'em. — Have you ever hung up ther drinks fur 
-Lang Jim ? 

I . — Matty's de drink I'se hung up fo' him. Ob corse, 
I nebbcr'd a done it ef de widder hadn't telled me fo'terdo 
so. 

Shoot'em. — Why did she give you that command? 
Pi. i E. — 'Cause ef yer didn't gib Jim his drink he'd agoan 
outside end a shot holes trou de doah. 

I ;M. — I'd like ter had 'em try it on with me. I'd a 

made ther sun shine through his carcase putty quick. 

;1 me ef yer ever heard him ask ther widder ter be 

Ycr'd better not answer that question if 
yer black skin, P< 



THE CASE OF THE WIDOW CROLY. 1 29 

Pete.— Fo' de Lord sake, Misser Shoot 'em, doan ask me 
ter answer dat. Jim '11 kill me, shuar's you born, ef I do. 

Judge [contemptuously) . — You ain't skeered o' Mustang 
Jim ? All yer got ter do is ter git ther drop on him, if he 
cums any funny bis'ness. 

Pete. — Yes, Jedge, shuar's you born, I'm a dead nigger 
ef I gives Jim away. He's a terrible bad cowboy, Jedge. 
Yer doan't know 'im. 

Judge {pointing revolver at Pete). — I'm goin' ter find 
out about this bis'ness. Now, answer that question afore 
I count three. One — two — 

Pete. — Doan shoot! I'll answer. Put away de gun! 
Doan shoot ! 

Judge. — Hurry, afore I count three. 

Pete — Yes, he did ask de widder ter marry him, end 
he'd run de place hisself, he sed. 

Jim. — Recollect, Jedge, I'll git squar wid you fur that 
work. 

Judge. — Shut up, Jim, or I'll fire you out. 

Jim. — I'll keep mum, now, but look out fur me when we 
meet agin. 

Judge [contemptuously). — I ain't skeered o' you, Jim. 

Shoot'em.— Take yer seat, Pete. 

(Pete walks back, keeping away from Jim, and eying him 
fearfully^ 

Shoot'em. — Now, widder, you can tell us all about yer 
courtin'. 

Mrs. Croly.— Faith I will, then. Yez all knew Bin 
Croly, shure a bether man niver lived. 

Judgf.— Yer right, widder ; Ben was a fine lad. 

Mrs. Croly.— God bless yer fur that, Jedge. Whin he 
dyed I phas loanly a bit, an' tuk ter dhrink a bit mour nor 
phas good. Jim, over there, phas an' ould frind of Bin's, 
an' he cum ivery day ter dhrink of me foine whuskey. He 
had noa money, niver a cint, but he phas so koind o' 

9 



1^0 IMF WIDOW 

tongue I cu i diy, ' " So," says I, "yer may 

liar dhriaks here until ike a job." Thin 

pt howlin' drunk all the phile. 
SHOOT'EM. Now, let us I mt his sparkin' of yer. 

iio, " \\r not safe 

tcr run this place, an' Pete is noa good ter yer. We'd 

i.ie into partners." " Phat do you mane? " says I. 

" Shure ter marry you wid yer consint, me beauty," says 

he. u Ef yer'll promise ter quit dhrinkin', I'll consint," 

Pete can tell yer that niver a word of a loi I'm 

tellin' yez. 

Judge. — Is that true, Pete? 

E. — Dat's all de truf, boss, shuar's you born. 
JOHNNY. — Say, Jedge, ain't it about time ter set them 
drinks up agin ? 

JUDGE. -Well said, Johnny. Boys, I'll adjourn this trial 
ontil we have a couple o' rounds o' ther good widder's 
whiskey. 

Mrs. Croly. — Yez are wilcome, all, ban-in' Jim. 
Jim. — Yer needn't be so down on me, widder ; what hev I ' 
done ter you ? 

Mrs. Croly. — Phat have yez done ter me? Shure ye'll 
foind that out befour yer lave me house this day. 

Judge (filling glasses). — Come! Come! Drink up. I've 
got ter drive over ter Tomahawk Gulch this arternoon, 
and I want ter have this bisness of! my hands afore start- 
in' out. {All drink excepting Jim.) Now you may finish 
th? case. 

Shoot'em. — I reckin I've proved my statements, now, 

e, hevn't I ? 
JUDGE. — Wait till yer hear what ther party o' ther sec- 
ond part has ter say. 

l.— That's me and my pard Jim. This is out- 
rageous, Jedge, ter tell such tales about my pard Jim. 

lumping up in the air). — Whose tellin' tales ? 



THE CASE OF THE WIDOW CROLY. 131 

Kxife'em {waving his hand). — Sit down, or I'll make yer. 

Shoot'em. — Yer a raskill, Lawyer Knife'em I 

Kxife'em (coolly). — Jest hand me over that thar buck- 
horn dirk, Jedge, if yer please. 

JUDGE {pointing revolvers at both lawyers' heads). — I 
reckin as how ye'll both behave yerselfs afore me. Order ! 

Pete. — Fo' de Lord sake, Jedge, put up de guns. Dis 
nigger's powerful skeered. Guess he'll tak' der fust freight 
train back to de Yeast. 

Johnny {stepping forward). — I'm wid yer, Jedge. If 
these yere fellars want a muss, why, let's form a ring an' 
hav' it out 'cordin' to prize-ring rules. 

Judge. — Sit down, Johnny. I'll take care of 'em. 
(Johnny sits down.) Now you fellars quit this funny bisness 
right yere. Lawyer Knife'em, continue with yer speech. 

Knife'em. — Wal, what I hevter say ain't much. I took 
this case out o' old friendly feelin's wid the party of ther 
second part, acose I knows he ain't got the stuff ter p:;y 
me fur what I does. My defence is, in the fust place, my 
pard is dead broke, and cuden't malvC good no how. In 
the second place, he has a wife livin' somewhar in the 
Yeast, and he cuden't marry ther widder ef he wanted ter. 
{Turning to Mustang.) Ain't it the truth I'm tellin', Jim ? 

Jim. — Strike me dead ef it ain't der truth. Jedge. 

Mrs. Croly. — Arrali! the Mormon ! Wud he decave a 
dacint woman loike that ? Sind him up fur tin years, your 
Honor. 

Judge. — Mustang Jim, stand up and giv it to us straight. 
Hev you a woman belongin' ter you livin' away from these 
parts ? 

Jim. — Unfort'nately I hev, Jedge. 

Judge. — I've a good mind to send you up, Jim. Don't 
yer know it's dead agin the law of these United States ter 
marry two women ? 

Kxife'em.— Thar's whar yer wrong, Jedge. 



THE CA ink WIDOW CROl If. 

Jul m undertake terlarn mc law? 

K\ , e I'm right. 

J i i ). — Let's hear yer do it, then. 

Kmii'im. — Wal, we ain't so very far away from Utar, 
if the Mormons hev as many wives as they cares ter, 
Now I'd like ter know ef Utar ain't in this yere United 
States o' Ameriky ? 

JUDGE {thoughtfully). — 1 reckin it is. 

KNIFE' EM. — Thar's whar I've got yer. Seein' as it ain't 
agin ther law o' these United States o' Ameriky ter marry 
all ther wifes wot yer please, my pard, ther party o' ther 
second part, in legal langwich, is innocent o' crime in try- 
in' ter marry ther widder. 

JUDGE. — As I hain't got my statue-book with me, I'll 
leave that question out of this yere case. 

Kxife'em. — S'posin' yer leave t'other question out also, 
Jedu 

Siioot'em {rising). — Look a yere, Jedge. You made me 
prove every word I spoke. Ain't yer goin' ter make 
Knife 'em do likewise ? How do yer know it ain't a put-up 
job atween him an1 his pard ter 'scape the law what's 
hangin' over his head ? How do yer know as he's got a 
woman wat belongs ter him in the Yeast? How do yer 
know as he's dead-broke ? 

JUDGE. — Who's a runnin' this yere court? I'll find out 
all about this bisness, ef yer leave me alone. Knife'em, 
whar's the proof ter these yere statements o' yourn ? 

KNIFE'EM. — Roundup Johnny knows the truth. Give 
the whole bisness, Johnny. 

JOHNNY. — Perraps youz fellars tink I don't knownothin' 
at all consarning this blackmailin' dodge. Shoot'em is too 
b tor be in the law trade. He's give ther hull thing 
awa askin' fur boodle fur? Ninety nine case 

notes and ninety-nine cents fur der rum, and five hundred 
cold case.s fur — 



THE CASE OF THE WIDOW CROLY. 133 

Judge. — Come off, Johnny ! We ain't asked you ter ar~ 
gue. Tell us whether Knife'em and his pard are givin' us 
a wild steer or not, that's what we went yer ter tell us. 

Johnny. — They've telled the truth fur once. They'd a 
lied ter yer ef it had bin possible. 

Shoot'em. — Has Jim got a woman belongin' ter him 
out Yeast ? 

Johnny. — I see him married myself, wid these yere eyes 
of mine. 

Shoot'em. — I want him ter swar ter that, Jedge. 

Johnny (to Shoot'em). — Ah, what's der matter wid yer? 
I'll swar ter nothin'. 

Judge. — Johnny, my boy, whar did ther party o' the 
second part git married ? 

Johnny. — Him and me wus off on a time out in Omaha, 
and he wus married afore he knowed it. Next day we 
both jumped der town and skipped out yere whar we've 
bin ever since. 

Judge. — That's straight enough. Sit down, Johnny. 
Hev yer got anything more ter say, boys, 'cause I'll hev ter 
jump yer in a short time ? 

Shoot'em. — V^es, I've got a question ter ask Knife'em. 
(To Knife'em.) Yer said, my prutty boy, as how Mustang 
Jim cuden't marry the widder ef he wanted ter on account 
o' a v\ ife as he had in the Yeast ? 

Knife'em. — Them wus my wurds. 

Shoot'em. — Wal, ef it ain't agin the law of these United 
States fur a man ter have two or three wives ef he wants 
ter, which you said, my prutty boy, why can't Jim marry 
ther widder now right yere ? The Jedge kin join them. 

Knife'em (in a rage). — So you've bin a lyin' low all this 
time fur me, have yer ? 

Shoot'em (savagely). — Yes, you raskill, I've been alayin* 
low fur ter ketch you in some trick or 'nother. 

Knife'em. — Jedge, give me that dirk. 



[j j. n: OF rnK widow CROJL.Y, 

rive me that shootin'-iron. 

grily tO/W other, but are 

IN NY.) 

JOHNNY.— Now, look a yere, boys. It's a shame cf you 
two Cellars are a lookin' fur li^ht that yer can't git all yer 
want. 

JUDGE {faulting aver the bar and grabbing each lawyer 

i. — Now, as you've both o' yer bin a huntin' blood, 

I'll give yer a chance ter be satisfied. Come out here on 

ther prairie, and fight it out with fists. The fellar as licks 

the other, wins the case. Ain't that squar, boys? 

Johnny. — That's ther squarest opinion as ever I heard a 
jedge give. 

Judge {flourishing two pistols). — I'll see as both of yer 
have fair play. 

[Exit nines. 



THE CASE OF THE PEOPLE versus 
THOMAS CAT. 



Dramatis Persons. 
Judge Blunder. 
Lawyer Greatnerye. 
Lawyer Ginslinger. 
Thomas Cat, long side-whiskers. Face to resemble a Cat's 

as nearly as possible. 
Dame Tabitha Cat, Mother of Thomas. 
Herr NlCKELSCOOPER, Complainant. 
Miss Pussy Cat, Fiance of Thomas Cat. 
BRIDGET, Servant-Girl to Nickc\scooper. 

Constable, Court Attendants, Jurymen, etc. 

(Judge Blunder, seated at desk. Lawyers e7iter, with 
witnesses and prisoner) 

Judge. — Good-morning, gentlemen. I hope there is no 
cause for again postponing this case ? 

Lawyer Greatnerye. — I would like another postpone- 
ment, your Honor. 

Judge. — Upon what grounds, pray, Mr. Greatnerve ? 

Greatnerye.— My client, Mr. Thomas Cat, is loath to 
allow so fine a morning for hunting to escape him. The 
day, you observe, is bright and balmy, and the robins are 
leaping about in the meadows, like pop-corn on a frying- 
pan. 

(135) 



Ij6 rm PEOPLE VERSUS THOMAS CAT, 

Judge I refuse your request, Your client has already 
[vantage of the bail I so leniently allowed him. 

with the C 

til \ — I am feeling very rocky this mom- 

. your Honor, and the case of the People may be seri- 
ously injured if you will not allow me a day to recuperate. 

JUDGE. — You have no business to feel rocky, sir. Pro- 
ceed with the case. 

(iixsLiNGER. — Be it so, your Honor. I request but one 
moment's delay, while I arrange my documents. (Goes to 
'.-, hints his back to the court, funibles over some papers, 
and takes a long pull at a pocket-flask.) 

Gixslinger. — In opening this case, I have little to say. 
My course is invariably to drive the nail on the head, and 
thereby to fasten the crime firmly to the guilty party. I 
shall not in this case depart from my old method. The 
criminal arraigned at this bar is none other than that law- 
less ruffian, Thomas Cat, who has been a terror to his 
neighbors ever since he first cut loose from the leading- 
strings of his worthy mother, Dame Tabitha Cat. 

He has made night, that quiet season when the good 
should be peacefully slumbering, hideous by his wild orgies. 
He has broken the just man's sleep, he has deprived the 
sick of their needed rest, and has called forth curses from 
lips that before have only moved in prayer. And yet, for 
all his wildness and sin, he has never before appeared in a 
court of justice. But at last we can fix upon him an action- 
able crime. 

It appears that on the evening of June 9th, HerrNickel- 
(God bless the man) discovered this dissolute 
ie making off across country with one of his favorite 
chickens. This worthy man, the very impersonation of 
Teutonic benevolence, was, at the time mentioned, stand- 
ing near the window, gazing placidly upon the proud, 
feathered beauties strutting about his back-yard, when lo! 



THE PEOPLE VERSUS THOMAS CAT. 1 37 

the cunning rogue, unconscious of espionage, darted upon 
the glory of the flock, and before the astounded Nickel- 
scooper could gird up his loins for pursuit, had disappeared 
from view. It is for this crime that Thomas Cat is ar- 
raigned at this bar. The case is a simple one. No ingeni- 
ous scheme of circumstantial evidence, but a theft com- 
mitted under the very eyes and nose of the aggrieved 
party. Mr. Nickelscooper will now tell you in his own 
language the story of this outrageous theft. 

(Nickelscooper takes the standi) 

Ginslinger. — You reside in this town, do you not ? 

Nickelscooper.— Yah ! 

Ginslinger. — What is your business ? 

Nickelscooper. — I hev two or tree bisness. 

Ginslinger. — State their nature. 

Nickelscooper. — I sells cheekens, und eggs, und lager. 

Ginslinger. — Now please tell your story of the theft 
committed upon your premises. 

Nickelscooper. — It vas aboud two py der clock, und I 
vas feelin' prutty veil, und vas laughin' to myself as I 
looked oud uf der vinder at my broperty in der pack-yard, 
ven I heard a terrible screaming mit my cheekens. Ride 
avay I saw dat defellish feller sneaking oud from behint a 
pile uf beer-kegs, und pickin' out my most expensif rooster, 
he napped him py der pack, und smiling like der deffel to 
himself, he vaults ofer my pack-fence, und runs avay. Dat 
I see mit mine own eyes. 

(Ginslinger, meanwhile, has turned his back,a7td taken 
another drink.) 

Ginslinger. — That will do, Herr Nickelscooper. 

Greatnerve. — That will not do, Mr. Ginslinger. I have 
my questions to put. All this, you say, occurred under 
your nose ? 

Nickelscooper.— Yah ! Ride under dis nose, {Point- 
ing to his nose.) 



rHl S i ROMAS CAT, 

n, note what lie says. Could 

il protuberance and 

r nonsen 

5COOPER. — Mind your own bisness und leaf dot 

ne. Dot is my nose, und don't you forgot it. ( Tafi* 

VERVE. — Now, having proved the aosurdity of 
tatement, sir, I will ask you if you had not been 
drinking on the day in question ? 

NlCKELSCOOPER. — I never drinks behint der bar. 

rERVE. — But you sometimes smoke a big segar? 
Xickelscooper.— Yah ! yah! 

GE. — Pshaw ! pshaw ! I will have no more nonsense 
lis court. 

is must be ?'ccited rapidly to accentuate the rhyming 
words.) 

GREATNERVE. — Are you sure it was Thomas Cat who 
stole your chicken ? 

icelscooper.— I'll pet you it % vas. 
Greatnerve. — Then you are personally acquainted with 
the defendant ? 

vELSCOOPER. — Yah ! He come foolin' around my 
place, und sleepin' by my stofe all day. He nefer spend a 
nickel ofer my bar, but ven night come he leaf my blace und 
go off on a pig drunk. I kicked him oud two or tree times, 
but he come pack und sleep py my stofe all der next day. 
Greatnerve. — Never mind what his daily habits were. 
You have answered that you recognized him, and that is 
sufficient. Now answer me this : Describe the clothes the 
>ner wore upon the day of the theft. 

—Dot feller nefer have but one pair of 

-Describe them. 
— Ilcalvays voreadingy vite shist-front, 
mid a prownish-plack coat und precches. 



THE PEOPLE VERSUS THOMAS CAT. 139 

Greatnerve. — Very good. I will show you, gentlemen, 
in good time, that the accused had on a brand-new suit of 
clothes, far different from the one described by Herr Nick- 
elscooper on the day in question. I am confident of prov- 
ing an alibi. You may be seated. 

(XlCKELSCOOPER takes his seat.) 

Ginslinger (rising). — I will now call Mis. Bridget Mul- 
cahey to the stand. Come forward, please, my good woman. 

(Bridget takes the stand) 

Gixslinger. — Now, my good Hibernian matron, answer 
my questions as I put them. Do you understand ? As I 
put them. 

Greatnerve. — I object to this method of procedure. 
The prosecuting attorney has no right to advise the wit- 
ness. 

Judge. — True for once, friend Greatnerve. You have 

the law on your side for once. Your objection is good, and 

shall be made a precedent of. Friend Ginslinger, I warn 

you to keep within the limits of straightforward questions. 

(Ginslinger begins to Link spasmodically?) 

Greatnerve {excitedly). — Your Honor, he- is winking at 
the witness. 

Judge. — What do you mean, Mr. Ginslinger ? I will 
allow no one to give signals to witnesses in this court. 

Ginslinger. — T protest, your Honor. I was doing no 
such thing. I have an eyelash in my eye. 

Judge. — Then let it be removed. 

Ginslinger. — I ask but a moment's delay. (Goes to table, 
turns baek to court, and after taking another drink, returns 
blinking.) There ! At last I have removed it. 

Judge. — Then proceed with your questions, sir. 

Ginslinger (to witness). — Where do you reside ? 

Bridget.— Next dour to the gin-mill. 

Ginslinger {smiling blandly). — A very happy situation 
for a residence. What is your occupation ? 



140 lin: PEOPl B \ ERSUS rUOMAS CAt 

Bridget.— Share, I earn a dacent Hvln' washin' fur sich 
I min as your 

l. — ■ Excellent Arc you acquainted with Mr. 

; . — Pity that I am, thcr blaggard 

GlNSLINGER. — Now, tell us what you saw upon the after- 
noon of June 9th. 

BRIDGET. — Begorra, I saw Misther Cat stalin' wan of 
Nackalscouper's hins. 

GlNSLINGER.— Tell us about it. 

Bridget. — I was in ther yard, er hangin'up a bashket o' 
cloathes, wen phat should I hear but Nabur Nackalscouper's 
hins a cryin' and a scramin' as if the auld Nick was in thim 
all. " St. Pathrick," says I, " phat ails the craturs ? " Pris- 
ently that young blaggard, sittin' there (pointing to Thomas 
Cat) cum lapein' oure the fince, wid a foine young rooster 
he had stole. " Perlice ! Perlice ! " I scramed at the top 
o' me lungs. But niver a copper wus ther widin a moile. 
Jest thin me boy — 

Ginslixger. — Never mind about your boy. You have 
answered all I wish to ask. 

Greatnerve (rising). — The witness then is mine. Well, 
my honest woman, what kind of clothes did the accused 
wear upon the day in question ? 

Bridget.— Shure, I'll tell no loie. 

Judge (severely).— You had better not, ma'am. 

Bridget. — It ain't fur the loikes of sich as yez that I 
fear, but the Praste. 

Judge. — Come, madam, none of your insolence. 

Greatnerve. — Your Honor, leave the witness to me. I 
will 'tend to her case. (To witness.) Can you, or can you 
not, answer my question ? 

BRIDGET. — Avcoorse I can. 

Judge (angrily). — Then why don't you? 



THE PEOPLE VERSUS THOMAS CAT. 141 

Greatnerve. — Leave her to me, your Honor. Will you 
answer my question, madam? 

Bridget. — Lave me alone, the hull lot er yez. Phat do 
yertaake me fur? I'm a dacent woman, and erns me own 
brid. 

Judge {in tones of thunder). — Answer the question. 

Bridget {in a frightened manner). — He was drissed in 
the only suit I iver saw him wear. A dirty, auld black 
coat and breeches. 

Greatnerve. — Very good. Have you any ill feeling 
toward the accused ? 

Bridget. — I hate the soight o' him. Shure, he niver 
does an honest day's work, but stales all his males. If yer'd 
hear him a cussin' and a howlin' around the naburhood o' 
nights, yer'd think the divil himself was let loose. 

Greatnerve. — That is all I have to ask you. You may 
take your seat. 

Ginslinger {rising). — I have little to say in closing my 
case. The witnesses I have summoned (despite the dis- 
graceful browbeating they have been subjected to at the 
hands of my opponent, Mr. Greatnerve), have each told a 
plain, unvarnished tale. The correspondence in their tes- 
timony must carry conviction to all hearts. Gentlemen, 
if we are to submit to be annoyed by a midnight reveller, 
a notoriously impecunious loafer, a pilferer of our poultry, 
then — then — I say, we must acknowledge to a woful state 
of moral depravity. But no ! my dear brethren {hys- 
terically). We are high-minded, and hate iniquity. The 
spoiler must be laid low. The strong arm of Truth must 
prevail. The — the — the (hie) law, the beauteful law, must 
(hie) do her deuty. (Falls exhausted into his seat.) 

Greatnerve {rising majestically).— -I shall give you no 
such exhibition of vociferous eloquence as ;he pitiable at- 
torney for the prosecution has just given you, I shall sim- 
ply call my witnesses and show you through them how 



142 Til AT. 

wholly unfounded is the accusation of theft made against 
my suffering client Mr, Thomas Cat, will you please take 
.and. 

(Thomas CAT struts to witness-box defiantly.) 
\ ] xi-.kvi:. — Now, tell us where you were on the 
afternoon of June 9th. 

CAT. — I'd bin a huntin' all the mornin', and had cap- 
tured a couple o' plump robins. So long about noon, I 
happened ter think of a girl o' mine, as might like to 
dandle a robin. No sooner thought than done ! Off I goes 
to Pussy, and between us we picked the brace of robins 
clean. Such rich food made her sick, and I stayed by her 
side all the afternoon dosin' her wid catnip, to bring her to. 
Long about dusk I departed, not forgettin' to make a date 
wid her to meet me on Nickelscooper's shed, that same 
evening at twelve. 

Greatnerve. — What object had you in making this ap- 
pointment? 

CAT.— Ter practice a moonlight sonata wid her. 

GREATNERVE. — That will do. If Mr. Ginslingcr will 
arouse from his stupor, he might like to ask the witness a 
question or two. 

Ginslinger {starting from a dosing st 'at '.-). — Yes, I (hie) 
have thought of that before. ( To witness.) What's yer name ? 

Cat. — Thomas Cat, Esq. 

Ginslinger {relapsing into stupor)* — That'll do fur you. 

Judge. — Are you ill, Mr. Ginslinger? 

GlNSLIN GER {arousing himself with great effort). — Yes, 
ill, ver' — ver' — ill. 

Judge. — You are disgra efully intoxicated, sir. 

GER {bracing up). — Intoxshicated ? No, shir. 
I'm all right. Misher Cat, what'sher occupation ? 

Cat. — I'm a ratcatcher by profession. 

Vhat made you steal Misher Nickcl(hic)- 
shooper's roobhu"? 



THE PEOPLE VERSUS THOMAS CAT. 1 43 

Cat. — I never stole no rooster. 

GlNSLlNGER. — I shay yer did. 

Judge. — Sit down, Mr. Ginslinger. You are not here to 
affirm a man's guilt, but to prove it. You have disgraced 
this court and I shall fine you for contempt. Mr. Cat, you 
may take your seat. 

(Thomas Cat sits down.) 

Greatnerve. — Mrs. Tabitha Cat may take the stand. 
(Dame Tabitha enters witness-box^ 

Greatnerve. — You are the mother of the accused, I be- 
lieve ? 

Tabitha. — Marry, I am. 

Greatnerve. — He has been a dutiful son ? 
: Tabitha. — Aye. I can remember him now, when he 
was but a frolicsome boy, a-chasing the butterflies in the 
grass, and a-tumblin' about with his little brothers. Poor 
little dears, they were all drowned but Tom. {Weeps.) 

Greatnerve. — Very sad, gentlemen; very sad. {To 
Tabitha.) But has not Tom been a solace to your old 
age ? 

Tabitha. — He's been a good boy, although he takes 
after his father, and lo\;es the night better nor the day. 

Greatnerve. — Never mind about that. You say ke has 
been a good son, now state what you know of his wherGr- 
abouts on the afternoon of June 9th. „ 

Tabitha. — He was in the company of his sweetheart, 
Pussy Cat, from all I can learn. 

Greatnerve.— Mark you, gentlemen, he was in the re- 
fining society of a young lady. Now, my good woman, an- 
swer me this : Do you know Herr Nickelscooper? 

Tabitha. — Very well indeed. I was in his employ 
when Thomas and his brothers were born. 

Greatnerve — What kind of a master was he ? 

Tabitha.— A most ungrateful and cruel one. I am very 
fond of milk, but he compelled me to eat Bologna sausage. 



THl S THOMAS CAT. 

I should have died, faith, had I stayed with him on such a 
diet 

aim k\i;.— Did he entertain any animosity toward 
you and your son ? 

TABITHA. — After the birth of my infants he drove mc 
from the house. For a while he allowed Thomas to amuse 
him with his childish tricks, but when Thomas was of a 
he drove him away, also. He hated us both. 

Greatnerve. — Hard-hearted villain. 

T a nn ha {weeping). — Well you may call him hard- 
hearted, Mr. Greatnerve, when, after all his ill-treatment, 
several of us planned a surprise-party for him, and had 
gathered together beneath his windows, singing one of our 
favorite serenades, how do you suppose he greeted us? 
Why, the monster began hurling soda-water bottles, old 
shoes, bootjacks, blacking-brushes, stove-lids, and other 
articles at our heads, swearing all the while so dreadfully 
that we had to scamper away as fast as possible to escape 
bodily harm. 

\txirve. — You observe how deep the hatred of 
Herr Nickelscooper was toward the Cat family, gentlemen. 
Therefore, it cannot surprise you that he should have 
singled out the innocent Thomas as the victim of his 
malice. But thanks to Fortune, we have the means of 
proving an undoubtable alibi in this case. Miss Pussy Cat 
will please step forward. Madam (to Tabitha), you may 
be seated. 

(Pussy Cat takes the stand.) 

Greatnerve. — Now, Miss Pussy, you have it in your 
ver to save your lover. All you have to do is to tell us 
of his whereabouts on the afternoon of June 9th. 

PUSSY {modestly).— About one o'clock he came to where 
I was musing in the warm sunlight, and said, " Pussy, I 
have a brace of plump robins here. Will you pick one with 
me ? " I was overjoyed, as I am passionately fond of 



THE PEOPLE VERSUS THOMAS CAT. 1 45 

game. So, after giving him an embrace, we fell to work on 
the robins. 

Greatnerve. — When did he leave you ? 

Pussy. — Not until dusk. We remained together sitting 
in the sun, nestled closely to one another, as lovers will, 
you know, until twilight began to fall, when we parted, 
having made an appointment to meet on Nickelscooper's 
shed the same night to practice a duet we had heard an 
uncle and aunt of his sing together. 

Greatnerve. — I am finished with you, my pretty girl. 

Gixslixger {rising in an intoxicated state). — Please wait, 
my (hie) prutty girl, till I've ashed you a question. How 
d it happen that (hie) Misher Thomash Cat was in two 
plaches at ench ? 

Pussy {disgusted). — He wasn't in two places at once. 

Gxslixger {dubiously). — He i^as in two plaches at (hie) 
onch. He was with (hie) you, and he was stealin' chickeens 
at shame time. 

Pussy. — Mr. Thomas Cat was with me all the afternoon 
on June 9th. It must have been the other Thomas Cat 
who stole the chickens. 

Gixslixger.— What othsher Thomash Cat? 

Pussy. — Why, Mr. Cat's cousin, of course, a very wicked, 
bad fellow who bears the same name, and closely resembles 
my dear Thomas in appearance. 

Gixslixger. — Dosh he wear (hie) the shame closhe? 

Pussy. — He is always dressed in a black coat and pants, 
like my dear Thomas. 

Gixslixger {musing). — That's funny, ver' — ver' — funny. 

Judge. — Mr. Ginslinger, you are in no fit condition to 
continue this case. You may leave the court, sir. 

Gixslixger. — I'm all through, your (hie) Honor. Nothin' 
more need be shed. The case ish mine. That settlesh it. 
{Staggers out of court.) 

Greatxerve. — My opponent, by his acute questions, 
10 



146 in \i. 

has bro ight a new feature in this case, and one that 

must certainly exonerate my client from all guilt in this 
matt *akes her 

heard that Mr. Thomas ( 1 cousin, 

iah, who unfortunately resembles him, and 
who is accustomed to dress in the same fashion. This ac- 
counts for the sight-evidence of the witnesses brought for- 
ward by the prosecution. They are simply mistaken in 
their man. My client has proved, by unimpeachable testi- 
mony, that he was in the company of his sweetheart all the 
afternoon of the day upon which the theft was committed. 
I have nothing more to say, for your intelligence, gentle- 
men, can lead you to but one conclusion. (Sits down) 

Judge. — In the conduct of this case, I have been greatly 
shocked by the disgraceful behavior of the prosecuting at- 
torney. I hope, for the credit of the court over which I 
preside, it will be kept out of the papers. And now a few 
words to you, gentlemen. The evidence undoubtedly 
points to an alibi for the accused. There is but one ob- 
jection. Who and where is this other Thomas Cat? 

(At this juncture there is great confusion in court, while 
a constable rushes into the presence of the Judge with the 
other Thomas Cat in his custody. THIS MUST BE A REAL 
Cat.; 

BLE. — Your Honor, we are just in time to save 
the innocent from sentence. Here is the rogue whom I 
found picking the last remnants of Herr Nickelscoopcr's 
rooster. He has confessed all. 

Judge. — That being the fact, as I believe, I shall dismiss 
the case before me, and shall hope at our next sessions to 
bring the guilty to justice. 

[Court adjourns. 



THE PERILOUS POSITION 

OF 

JOHN JOSEPH JAMES JENKINISSINSON. 

(Room of the Elite Club.) 



Dramatis Persons. 



Professor Jube Judson, Officiating Judge, 
John Joseph James Jexkinissinson, on trial for expul- 
sion. 

Peter Persimmons, Accuser. 
Tony Tittlebat, Prosecutor. 
Alabama Jones, Defender of Accused. 

{Club members seated on both sides) 

Professor Jube.— Dis am de fust time since dis club 
wus organized dat one ob de bredren was brou't up fo' 
'spulsion. De good name ob de members is at stake, an' 
dis unruly purson must be 'mediately dealt wid. Bein' 
'pointed Judge, I mean to 'sume all de dignity ob de situ- 
ation, and I want all you niggers to respec' me. Who am 
de 'cuser, and who am de 'cused ? 

Persimmons (rising). — I'm de 'cuser! 

Jexkinissinson. — I'm de innercint party! 

Jube. — Sit down ! Now I knows whar an' who you bofe 
are. What am de next ting on de programme, Misser Tit- 
tlebat? Seems as how I fo'get de order ob bisness. 

Tittlebat. — Next ting am to hear de accusations ob 
de 'grieved person ! 

(147) 



148 THE PBRILCH [ON OF 

.mons, stand up an' state yo* griev- 
ance 

.—"He grievances am numerous. In do fust 
v, John Joseph James Jenkinissinson am a wicked 

ihure'a you' I cum to de club reck'men 

by de Renvoi io Secret Soci'ty ob Social Culture, whar lie 
scrbed a term ob two years, lie whar obmittcd to de fold 
ob elite bredren 'pon dat reck'mendation. No moar dan 
he whar obmittcd 'fere iie gun steal from de members. 
Tony Tittlebat lose a banjo. Doan no whar it be. Hunt 
all ober fur it wid no result. All de time John Joseph 
James Jenkinissinson hab de pawn-ticket fo' dat banjo in 
his wallet. Me go 'possum-huntin' — ketch two fat pos- 
sum — leaf dem on de bac' porch fo' half an hour — 'possum 
dis'pear. Doan no whar dey be. Go down to de cabin ob 
de 'cused party, an' dir 'scovered him wallerin' in 'possum- 
stew. De last cusation I hab to mention am de fact dat 
Jenkinissinson neber goes about widout a razor in his close. 
Dis am agin de by-laws ob de bredren. Kinder 'spec' he 
ain't de proper pursoa to keep in de 'ciety, an' I want him 
'jected fo' de safety ob us all. (Sits down?) 

Jube. — Must allow am powerful skeered ob a razor mes- 
self. What's de nex: ting on de programme, Misser Tit- 
tlebat ? 

Tittlebat. — De 'zaminashun ob de 'cused party. 

JUBE — John Joscp'i James Jenkinissinson, what you £>;ot 
to remark about de 'cusations agin you' good charackter? 

Jenkini .— De trufe am a powerful party ter hab 

on you' side, and de trufe am my backer. Doan know 
nuffin 'bout Tony Tittlebat's banjo. Doan know nuffin 
'bout Persimmons' 'rossums. Doan know nuffin 'bout de 

Tittle hat (excitedly). — Doan know nuffin 'bout de razor? 
What's dat makes de back o' you' shoe so stifT ? 
J U BE. — 'Zamine de shoe ! 'Zamine de shoe ! 



JOHN JOSEPH JAMES JENKINISSINSON. 1 49 

(Tittlebat takes from the back of Jenkinissinson's 
shoe a huge razor.) 

Tittlebat {triumphantly).— -Here am de evidence ob de 
crime. {Examining razor curiously?) Whew ! what wicked 
wurk dat nigger could a gone dun wid dis brodesword ! 

Jube. — S'pose you hab nuffin to say to de evidence, Mis- 
ser Jenkinissinson ? 

JENKINISSINSON. — 'Spect I hab. I studied de professhun 
ob barber, an' am one ob de journeymen barbers at de 
present time. Dat's de tools ob my professhun. (Turning 
with a grin to Tittlebat.) Doan yer want me ter gib you 
a nice, clean shave, Misser Tittlebat? 

Tittlebat. — I guess you doan get ie edge ob dat brode- 
suord widin twenty foot ob dis nigger's troat, Misser Jenk- 
inissinson. 

Jube.— Nuffin moar to remark, Misser Jenkinissinson ? 

Jenkinissinson.— Nuffin but de trufe, what I told you. 
{Sits down.) 

Jube. — Now, gemmen, 'pears ter mo dat de cross 'zami- 
nashun am de next ting on de programme. Proceed. 

Tittlebat. — Misser Jenkinissinson, whar am de proofs 
ob you innocence? 
• Jenkinissinson. — De proof ob de puddin' am de eatin' ! 

Jube. — What you mean, niggar? 

Jenkinissinson. — My words am de puddin', an' when 
you swaller dem dat will be de eatin', and de eatin' will be 
de proof ob my innercence. 

Jube. — I 'gun 'spect you studied atde Hampton College. 
You be a fly niggar, shuar. 

Tittlebat. — Whar be you wallet, M isser Jenkinissinson ? 

Jenkinissinson. — Hear am de pocketbook. Doan you 
'tempt to 'stract any ob dem bills, fo' ^'m awatchin' obyou 
close. 

Tittlebat {contemptuously). — Wat you take dis niggar 
fo' ? (Examines contents of wallet.) Here am a pawn- 



150 THE i'lKll <H s posj noa 

Ct I ( Reads.) "John Joseph James Jenkinissinson, one 

banjo, S3.60." Here am de proof! Wat you gone dun wid 

banjo ob mine, niggar? You pawned it, did you? 

11 him, Professor Jube ! 'Spell him from de club at 

om\ 

Jube. — Wait till we prove de 'possums. 

Tittlebat (> Jenkinissinson).— W T hat you do wid 
Persimmons' 'possums? 

J in KiM .— Doan know nuftm about de 'possums. 

Tittlebat. — Doan know nutfin about de 'possums? 
Persimmons seen you catin' dem ! 

Jenkinissinson. — Dey whar no 'possums ob Persimmons. 
Dey whar 'possums I katched messell. 

Tittlebat.— Prove it! 

Jenkinissinson. — Dis niggar won't prove nufrln. His 
word am de trufe. 

Tittlebat. — I guess you better 'spell him at once, Pro- 
fessor Jube. He's a bad niggar, shuar ! {Grumbling aside 
at intervals : What you goan dun wid dat banjo ob mine, 
Misser Jenkinissinson ?) 

Jube. — 'Fore I 'spell him I must listen to de defence. 
Mister Alabama Jones, what you got to say 'bout dis mat- 
ter? 

Jones. — Dis am de fust 'casion ob my life to prove de in- 
nercince ob a broder. De razor am 'counted fo as a tool 
ob de barbar's professhun, which de laws ob no 'ciety can 
tak' away. De excepshun am de rule, and dis am de ex- 
cepshun. Dis bein' de excepshun, derefur becomes de rule, 
broders, John Joseph James Jenkinissinson had bruk no 
rule in carrym' de razor. De pawn-ticket signefies nuffin 
unless de banjo whar Tony Tittlebat's banjo. How you 
r prove dat it whar? Mcbbe it whar some udder 
banjo ? 

Jube. — We kin settle dat right heah. Tittlebat, yo' goa 
it dat banjo. You got de pawn-ticket. 



JOHN JOSEPH JAMES JENKINISSINSON. 15 1 

Tittlebat. — But I hain't got de S3.60. Nineteen cents 
all dis niggar got. 

Jube. — Sorry fo' you, Misser Tittlebat. 

Tittlebat. — Sorry fo' niesseff. 

Jones {resuming). — Concerning de 'possum, Misser Jen- 
kinissinson hab said dey whar his own 'possum. Whar s de 
proof dat dey whar not hisen ? Seems ter me dat '• hallo- 
balloo has bin made 'bout nurhn," as Shakehispear says. 
Dismiss de 'cusations as widout foundashun. 

Jube. — 'Pears ter me as broder Alabama Jones has proved 
dat nutnn hab bin proved agin de 'cused. Broders, we hab 
no cause ter 'spell Misser Jenkinissinson, but ef you 'spects 
him watch him close, and he may be kotched some udder 
time. 

De court marshul am dismissed. 

[Curtain. 



SWEET FEMININE JUSTICE. 



Dramatis Persons. 

Judge Agatha Affable. 

Miss Strongmind, Prosecuting Attorney. 

Silvia Goldthread, Attorney for Defence. 

Miranda Gingham, Policelady. 

John Doe, Prisoner. 

Teddy Brogue, Witness. 

Judge Affable (tapping timidly). — I feel sure, dear 
ladies, you will forgive me if 1 make a few remarks — only 
a few — just a wee little talk, before we begin our important 
work. I am so happy to be — but there, I am a Judge now, 
a real Judge, and you are real lawyers and legal what-you- 
may-call-'ems — officers ; yes, legal officers. And here we 
are running a real court. Just think of it. What would 
our grandmothers have said of this ? Isn't it funny, though ? 
Have you a hairpin to spare, Miss Goldthread ? O, pshaw ! 
I forgot. I must be more dignified. What do we do first, 
Strongmind? 

mind. — The first and most important thing is to 
have a little order. 

, yes. (Tapping gently.) Let us have order, 
by all me 

STRONGMIND.*— I will explain the case. John Doe, the 
accused, was caught in the act of reaching into a cai- 
window, just as the train was starting, and snatching a 



SWEET FEMININE JUSTICE. 153 

lady passenger's hundred-dollar bridal-bonnet from her 
head. 

Judge. — Mercy! But you don't think he really did it, 
Miss Lawyer Strongmind, do you? 

Strongmind. — That is for me to prove by the evidence. 

Judge. — I suppose so. But I think it is just too awful 
to be true. Don't you, Miss Goldthread? 

Goldthread. — I certainly do. I never heard of any- 
thing like that happening to any of our set. 

Strongmind. — Your set, Miss Attorney for the Defence, 
has nothing to do with this case. Now, let you Honoress 
have the accused brought into court. Ah ! here comes the 
Policelady with the prisoner. 

(GlNGKAM stalks in, leading Doe by the ear, and exult- 
antly shouting : I caught him, 1 caught him. Here he is. 
Here's the villain. Runs him t/ius around and out of court- 
room, and returns alone. GOLDTHREAD swoons meanwhile.) 

Judge. — Heavens! Heavens! Water! Quick! 

(Goldthread revived by Strongmind with huge smell- 
ing-bottle.) 

Strongmind. — What weak, feminine nonsense ! It 
makes me blush for my sex. Let the Policelady take the 
witness-stand. 

(Gingham walks smartly to stand.) 

Strongmind. — Now, then, Miss Gingham, how long 
have you been on the police force ? 

Gingham. — Two weeks; just two weeks; two weeks ex- 
actly. I know it. I am sure of it. 

Strongmind. — Very good, indeed. I have no doubt 
you will be promoted after this grand action. How many 
arrests did you say you had made in this time ? 

Gingham. — I didn't say. It's not customary in my pro- 
fession to answer questions before they are asked. 

Strongmind. — But I asked you that question. 

Gingham. — No, you didn't. 



i5 \ unito j 

. 1 did. 

1 didn't. 
. I did. 
■.M. — You didn't. 

•iiNi'.-I did. 

" K<M* didn't " 

( )h, dear ! Oh, dear ! What shall I do ? Call 
in a man at once. I think they are going to quarrel. 

MIND. — No, no, your Honoress; this was merely 
a war of words, such as is often heard in court-rooms. Of 
course I was right, and — 

am. — You were not right. 
GMIND. — I was right. 
reduction of previous scene, with " was " and 

Judge. — Horrois! Horrors! I wish I had never be- 
come a Judge. 

Strongmixd (suddenly). — How many arrests have you 
made beside this one ? 

Gingham. — No others. 

Stroxgmixd. — Why didn't you say so, then? 

Gingham. — I did say so. 

Goldthread. — I think, but I am not quite sure, that 
she did say so. 

Strongmind {grandiloquently). — I am glad to yield this 
point to my sister in the law. We attorneys learn to ad- 
mit some things gracefully. 

Judge (bravely). — But I don't see the necessity. 

Goldthread (with dignity). — O, yes ; it is very neces- 

\\r. — I am of the same opinion. I am, indeed. 
Jud rnedfy). — Well, then, proceed at once. The 

time of this court is too precious to be wasted in frivolous 
matters. 



SWEET FEMININE JUSTICE. 1 55 

Strongmind. — Are you speaking to me ? 

Judge. — No, no ; not for the world. 

Gingham.— Did you mean me? 

Judge. — Oh, dear, no ! not at all. 

Goldthread. — Then, I suppose, you referred to me. 
If so, I shall snub you the next time we meet in sod 

Judge. — But I didnt refer to you, Silvia dear. I don't 
believe I referred to anybody. 

Strongmind. — But you ought to refer to somebody. 
However, I have exhausted the testimony of this witness, 
and I think I have shown the guilt of the accused. 

Gingham. — But I haven't had anything to say yet. 

Strongmind. — Why ! you have done all the talking. 

Gingham. — No, I haven't. I haven't said a word about 
what I know. 

Strongmind. — What did you do with the prisoner ? 

Gingham. — I put him in the cell again. 

Strongmind. — This is a fine state of affairs. Go and 
get the prisoner and bring him into court. 

Gingham. — That's fun. I will be back soon. (Goes 
out.) 

Strongmind. — My next witness is a man. 

(Sensation in court-room.) 

Strongmind. — Come forward, witness Brogue. 

(Brogue steps tip.) 

Strongmind.— What is your name ? 

Brogue. — Teddy Brogue, af you plaze. 

Strongmind. — Where do you live ? 

Brogue.— In the Holler. 

Strongmind. — What Hollow ? 

Brogue.— Paddy's Holler. 

Strongmind. — How old are you ? 

Brogue. — Oi am ould enough, Miss. 

Strongmind. — Please repeat that answer. How old are 
you : 



SWEET FEMININ 

Didn't Oi tell ye 01 wax ould enough? 

Judge.—] am positive he did, Miss Strongmind. 

MIND. — That will do on that point, any 

. what — when -who — where do you live? 
.—By hevinsj Oi told ye that too. 
-Perhaps it would be well to let this witness tell 
oat the bonnet, 
p in read. — I would like to hear that. 

. — Oi know iverything about it. Oi had 
druve me dump-cart down when the train was starting out, 
and Oi see that fellow — and Oi know him for a thief — grab 
lady's top-piece roight from her head. Oi jumps from 
me cart and leaves me harse in the middle of the street. 

STRONGMIND. — Now, then, Mr. Witness, what became of 
the horse? 
JUDGE. — Yes, what happened to the horse ? 

rUE, — And what is that to ye ? He is me own harse, 
and he's been in that cart for twinty years, and knows the 
business better than Oi do meself. 

Goldthread. — I think I read about that horse. The 
papers said the Cruelty to Animals Society had carried 
the horse off or something. Was he your horse ? 

Brogue. — And don't Oi know that? It's me ownchilder 
will have no supper now till I get me harse back again. 

Strongmind.— Your Honoress, I object to such inter- 
ruptions from the other side. 

Goldthread.— I guess I have a right to ask questions. 
They told me I ought to ask lots of questions. 

Strongmind. — What! You ask questions? Why, 
don't know enough to keep still, let alone asking questions. 
Go I.: ur sting i?ito tears). — You are a horrid 

thing. The Judge told me so before we came in. 
-Go home, baby. 

I will go home. And I don't care 
who gets hunj. (Sails out wec d \ 



SWEET FEMIXINE JUSTICE. 1 57 

BROGUE (throwing up both hands in disgust, and walking 
out). — The divil take them wimmen lawyers. The ould 
harse knows more about law in one minit than they would 
in a year. (Disappears.) 

Judge. — Silence in court. Here comes the prisoner 
again. 

(Gingham brings in Doe, who now wears a high hat.) 

Strongmind. — Where's the bonnet ? 

Gingham. — He has got it. 

Strongmind. — Where ? 

Gingham. — Here. (Takes off Doe's hat, leaving co7icealed 
bon?iet on his head.) 

Strongmind. — What a ridiculous affair ! 

Judge. — Isn't it a fright ? (Doe steals out.) 

Gingham. — Yes, but I shall always keep it because I 
caught the thief. 

Judge. — Oh ! but I ought to keep it, as I am the Judge. 

Gingham. — Well, I got it first ; so it is mine. 

Strongmind (seizing bonnet). — You can't either of you 
have it (starts out with bomiet on head). 1 am going to try 
this case over again in a man's court. (Disappears?) 

Gingham. — What impudence ! (Looking about in disjnay.) 
Why ! the prisoner has gone, too. 

Judge. — So he has. (Then confidentially.) Do you 
know, Miss Gingham, it isn't half so nice to be a Judge as 
I thought it was ? 

Gingham. — It's no use being a Policelady if you can't 
get anything when you make an arrest. 

Judge. — I'll give it up if you will. 

Gingham.— So will I. 

Judge. — Agreed. I guess we'd better leave these dis- 
agreeable things to the men and Miss Strongmind. 

Gingham. — Well, I suppose we must. Good-bye, Agatha. 

Judge. — Good-bye, Miranda. Good-bye, court-room, too ; 
and good-bye — everybody. [Curtain. 



THE MOUSE. 



scene: a court of law. 

John White (<? warder) examined: "My name's John 
White, I am a warder of the gaol in which the prisoner was 
confined for misdemeanor. He was convicted twelve months 
back; since his conviction, his behavior has been marked 
extremely good. I know the prosecutor, William Ilinde, 
he also is a warder in the gaol ; I remember well the night 
you mention. Yes, I'll swear it was the thirty-first of May 
— the time was five to nine. Hinde went his rounds, and 
then I heard high words, when he was in the cell of num- 
ber fxfty-six (the prisoner). The latter cried.. ' You hound ! ' 
And then I saw Hinde reeling out, blood pouring from 
his lips. I said, 'What is it?' And he answered me, 'That 
beast in there has hit me on the mouth.' I said, ' Whatever 
made him do it, Hinde?' And he replied, 'I tried to kill 
his mouse, according to the Governor's orders.' This is my 
evidence, my Lord." 

The Judge {log.) : 

" Prisoner at the bar, since you are not defended on your 

1 by learned counsel, it rests with you to urge your own 

defence. You have heard the evidence against you ; speak." 

The Prisoner {log) : 

" My Lord and Gentlemen of the Jury, I have no wish to 
cross-examine, or attempt to shake the testimony of those 
who have appeared against me. In every particular it is 



THE MOUSE. 159 

correct ; what they have said is true ; what they have not, 
I will, craving your patience, now recount. Near fourteen 
months ago I was convicted of a crime of which I swear I 
was quite innocent ; which innocence were fully proved, 
had not the law, alas, debarred my wife from giving evi- 
dence on my behalf, such as alone could clear my tarnished 
fame. Ill fortune such as this near broke me down. I had 
lost all, wife, children, home. Desolate, I wasted in my 
prison cell; hopeless— existing, true — but living not. One 
night, when I was served my humble fare, a little mouse 
crept out upon the floor, and eyed askance the dreaded 
human form. I threw some food, and, scared, it scampered 
off; but pangs of hunger lured it out again and made it 
share my meal ; a welcome guest. So every night it came, 
until at last it grew so tame I fed it from my hand ; it slept 
with me and nestled in my sleeve. I took it in my pocket 
when I went for exercise with others in the yard ; and 
much amusement — aye — and envy, too, I have excited when 
I showed my prize. I had no friends ; — I grew to love this 
mouse, as these dumb animals are often loved by those who 
find all others cold and false. One night — it was the fatal 
thirty-first of May — the warder Hinde came to my cell 
when my little pet was sporting on my hand. He said, 
4 They talk about this mouse of yours ; just let me see if it's 
as tame as White, the warder, says : I want to see if it will 
come and feed from my hand if I hold it out.' Little sus- 
pecting this inhuman fiend, I lured my little pet, who 
quaked with fear, unwilling yet to court a stranger's touch. 
The cruel hand closed on it, and he laughed. ' Enough of 
this ! ' he cried. ' The Governor says he won't allow this 
insubordination ; come, bid your friend good-bye, I'm go- 
ing to crush him.' I sprang erect. Oh, God ! My every nerve 
tingled with fear for my poor little pet. 'You hound !' I 
cried ; and then I hit out straight into the face of this in- 
human fiend. Thank God, he dropped the mouse, which, 



160 ill I" M01 

brightened ran, and found a haven e'en from whence it 
Thfa is my crime, and I am in your hands." 

77 1 \su/us up) : 

ntlemen of the Jury, 1 am content, I sum this rase 
-icily .is I can. This tale is touching and, I doubt not, 
true ; but you must deal with facts, not sentiments ; it r 
with me alone to mitigate the punishment, which, be i 
sured, shall be awarded with respect to law." 

Foreman of Jury {log.) : 

" My Lord, we are agreed, and find the prisoner guilty, 
but most strongly recommend him to the mercy of this 
Court." 

The Judge {delivers sentence) : 

" Prisoner at the bar, you stand convicted of an assault 
on William Hinde, your warder, for which the sentence of 
the Court receive, namely, that you be imprisoned for one 
day, and that without hard labor, to run concurrently with 
the sentence you are undergoing. Furthermore, I have 
here — now, can you bear good news ? — a packet from the 
Home Office commanding your release, upon a pardon 
granted by Her Majesty the Queen ; for now it seems an- 
other has confessed the crime for which you have already 
suffered wrongfully. Thus you are free ; and I may further 
add, John White, the warder, has for you outside a little 
friend of yours, unhurt, but caged. I wish you well. Stop 
the applause in Court ! " 



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To Make the Pass, To Force a Card, To Make a Falss 

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To Turn Over the Pack, To Spring 

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Other, To Throw a Card, 

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Burdctt's Berlo-Comta Itccitations and Readings. 
Botaganew ooQectloa <>f humorous, dramatic, tad dlaltel 

.ils in prose and p iptad ami arranged for public or parlor 

.laments. 



CONTEXTS. 



An Irish Loiter 

An Oration on spunk 

Arkansaw Traveller 

Aux Italiens 

Ballad of Cassandra Brown, 
The 

Battle of Limerick, The 

"Bay Billy" 

Beau 

Bill Brown (from Cohoes) - . . 

Bill Mason's Bride 

Blind Mother, The 

Brother Bill 

Brother Gardner on Liars . . . 

Caoch the Piper 

Chess Board, The 

Clerical Wit 

Cut Behind. 

ii of the Old Squire, The 

Der Mule Shtood on der 
Stoamboad Deck 

Dot Baby off Mine 

Dutchman's Family, The 

Engineers Making Love 

i onable School-Girl 

For Life and Death 

Hard Witness, A 

Irfah Bedotfe 

Son Jim's Bay Mare 

Homo Acrain 

b, The. (A Boy's Com- 
position) 



now the Old Horse Won the 
Bet 

In der Shweed Long Ago 

Irish Philosopher, The 

Jew and the Jewels, The 

Jiners, The 

Knight's Toast, The 

Language of the Rail, Tho.. 

Mary's Little Lamb 

Me and My Dog 

Modern Education 

Mr. Molony's Account of tho 
Ball 

Mule, The 

New Church Organ, The 

" Nebuchadnezzar" 

"Ole MarsterV' Christmas, 
The 

Pat's Bondsman 

Postilion of Nagold, The 

Regret 

Religious Card Player, Tho . . 

Royal Bumper Degree, The. 

Sergeant's Story, The 

" Solomonism n 

Spartacus with Modern Im- 
provements 

Telephonio Conversation, A. 

Weather Fiend, The 

Widder, The 

Widow Bedott's Poetry, Tho 



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The. 
l be. 

Tho. 

plert 
icon's Deliverance. 

of the Light 1 

Christian Maiden and the Lion. 

The 
Cowardly .Tim 

must not Rinjr To-night 
■' 
f Luckuow, The. 
Hie. 
i ill of Poland. The. 
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John. 

and the Lions. The. 
Henry oi Navurro before Paris. 
Ilwohin 

ll.rve RfsJ, 

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li.ll. 
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John May nurd. 
K.ite Mftloney. 
Karl the Martyr. 

doubt, The 
of I.uoknow, The. 
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Liule Hero, The. 



T.och invar. 

Main Truck, Tho ; or, A Leap 

for Lile. 
Marco bV 

idomlr, The. 
< t'Murtogb. 
1'liil. Wood's Leap. 
Polish Boy, The, 
Rldeof Jennie McVeal. Tho. 
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Light Brigade. 
Berenth Fuaileere, The. 
Ship on Fire, '1 Ik-. 
Spanish Armada, Tho. 
Spuninh Mother. The. 
Su[>portingtho Guns. 
Tom. 

1 rooper'l Story, The. 
True Hero, A. 



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After the Battle. 

I 

American Flap. The. 

Barbara Krietchie, 

Battle of Fort Moultrie, The. 

Battle-Flag at 8henaudoah. 

The. 
Battle of Bunker Hill. 
Battle of Lwington, The. 
Battle of Lookout Mountain, 

The. 
Battle of Gettysburg, The. 
ih«. 

Bivouac of the Dead, The. 
' the Gray, The. 
. Boya 

in-field. 

• The. 

I>y the i-ord, 1 be 
Ma. 

nner, The. 
1 :i Day. 



OOJNTTIEjNrTS. 

Drafted, 

Duty of the American Scholar. 
K Pluribus I'num 
The. 
Ited in Death. 
Fourth of July. 
Georgia Volunteer The. 

I he. 

John Burns ol Gettysburg. 

Keurny at Seveu Fines. 
Kelly'* Ferry. 
Kentucky Belle. 
Ljtti* Kegiment. The. 
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Miles Keoph's II 

Nation's Hymn, The. 
Nation's Dead. The. 

.-.a nt. The. 
< »ld Soldier's Story. The. 
Old Burgeon*! story The. 
Old Soldier 'Ira. op. lhe. 

i I he 

One in Blue and One In 
Gray. 



Opposition to Misgovern- 

ment. 
Our Whole Country. 
Our Country. 
Our II. i 

Paul Kevere's Ride. 
Patriotism. 
Patriot Spy, Th.\ 
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Revolutionary Rising, The. 
Savinc of the Dolors. The. 
Scott and the Veterau. 
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Somebody's Darlinjr. 
Sprig of Green, Tim, 
Stars and Strifes, The. 
Subhtitute. I lie. 
Sword of Bunker Hill, 

The. 
Tribute to our Honored 

Dead. A 
Union and Liberty. 

Ofthe Stales. The. 
Union Linked with Liberty. 



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Tricks on Travelers.— A little work exposing frauds 

practised on travelers, and other information useful to strangers in 
great cities Illustrated . 15 cts. 

Uncle Si's Black Jokes.— This is one of the funniest 
books you ever saw. It is quaint and curious, and real darkey humor 
Illustrated , , . . lu cts. 

Use of Colors. — A valuable treatise on the properties ot 

different pigments and their suitableness to uses ot artists and students. 
Full of useful information ,25cts 

Watchmakers and Jewelers' ManuaL— Gives latest 

and most approved secrets of the trade, embracing water and clock 
cleaning and repairing, tempering in all its grades, making tools, com- 
pounding metals, alloys, plating, et£., with plain instructions for 
beginners. Greatly enlarged edition 50 cts. 

EXCELSIOR PUBLISHING HOUSE, 29 & 31 Beekman St., New York, N.Y, 
P. O. Box 1144 



£ 



BTJ :r, id e T T ' s 

Irish Dialect Recitations and Readings. 

CO NTE NTS. 

The 4l A err." [Katie's Answer. O'Thelto. 

utle of Limerick. Larrift Paddy Blake's Echo. 

Biddy McGinn Is o»i the Larry's on the Force. Ldy's Courting. 

Photograph. Love to the Kitchen. 

Uinnis at the 



Trouble*. 
r»h of St. Patrick. 
The Donkey. 
Don't be Taaing Me. 
The Emigrants. 
How l ,i t s : i v ed H is Bacon 
Irish Coquetry. 
An Irish Letter. 
The Irish Philosopher. 
The Irish Schoolmaster. 
The Iri^h Traveller. 
An Irisbm n's Letter. 
The Irishman's Panorama 
Jimmy McBride'fl Letter. 
Bound in illuminated paper cover. 



Make it Four Yer Honor. Paddy the Piper. 
The Man lie Waa Waiting Paddy O'Raftber. 

to B< Idy'i Reflections on 

Mile's Confession. pathra's Needle. 

Mi-s Maloney on the Chi- Pat's Criticism. 

nese Question. Pat's Letter. 

Miss Maloney Goes to the Pat and His Musket. 

Dentist. Pat and the Oysters. 

Modem Astronomy and Patrick O'Rouke and the 

Philosophy. I Frogs. 

Mr. Moloney's Account ofPaudeen O'Reffcrty's Say 

the Ball. Voyage. 

Noah Murphy and the Peter Mulroouey and the 

Spirits. | Black Filly. 

The O'Nayle who had Tim Murphy's Irish Stew. 

Lost the Big"0." The Wake of Tim OTIara. 

O'lteilly's Nightmare. The Widow Cummiskey. 



- Price, 25 cents. 



BTTieXXET'T'S 



v^Tew Comic Recitations & Humorous Readings 



CONTENTS. 

Add. flyman's Fourth of now She Managed It. 



Fence White-washed. 
How we Hunted a Mouse. 



July Oration. 
The Aged Stringer. 
• diloquy. 
i o-Ti-Pnl Snow. 
The Blue Bottle Fly. 
The Book Agent Beats ihc 

Bandit. ,\h Fdyl of the Period. 

The BrakemanatCbuich. The Irrespressible Boy. 
BrWfl Bash Bet. Jim Wolfe and the Cats. 

Bnci 'a Funeral John Spiner's Shirt. 

Butterwick's Little Gas Love in Oyster Bay. 

Bill. Maidens, Beware! 

The Captain's Speech to Mr. Lphraim Muggins on 

the Montgomery Guards! Oilymargarine. 
The Car Conductor's Mr. I otts' Story. 



|Pyrotechnic Polyglot. 



IJow They Play t lie Piano A Receipt for Actors, 
in New Orleans. She Meant Business. 

How to Manage Carpets, she Was Too Fastidious. 
IJow Tom Sawyer Got His A Similar Case. 



The Simple Story of G. 
Washington. 

A Speech which every 
Congressman Could Un- 
derstar.d. 

Spoopend/ke's Suspend- 
ers. 

A Struggle with a Stove 
Pipe. 

That Bad Boy Again. 

iThat Emerson Boy. 



Mistake. \\ New Primer. That Hired Girl. 

The Ca«eof Young Bangs. Nobody's Mule. r Tou.jours Jamais." 

Confessing their Faults. On* of'Those Awful Chil- Travelling in a Mixed 
illy Brown. | dren. I Train. 

Only a Pin. The Two Boot Blacks, 

'iman and the The Parent with the Hoof The Villain Still Pursued 

A Plea for the Opera. II er 

i) and His Fly- The Presentation of the The Wrong Ashes. 

! Trumpet. The Yarn of the "Nancy 

CandaharTbe Puzzled Census Bell." 
Bow ** Rnby " Played. i Taker. 
Illustrated paper cover. ------ Price, 25 cents. 

tie by all Books' Hers, or will be sent, post-paid, on receipt of price. 

EXCELSIOR PUBLISHING HOUSE, 

P. O. Box 1144. WJ and 31 Beckman Street, New York, N. Y, 



German at a Glance. 

A new system, on the most simple principles, for 
Universal Self-Tuition, with English pronunciation of 
every word. By this system any person can become pro- 
ficient in the German language in a very short time. It 
is the most complete and easy method ever published. By 
Franz Thimm. (Revised Edition.) 

Eound in paper cover, - price 25c. 

E Qund in boards, with cloth back, - price 35c. 

French at a Glance. 

Uniform and arranged the same as u German at a 
Glance/' being the most thorough and easy system for 
Self-Tnition. (Revised Edition.) 

BOund in paper cover, - price 25c. 

Bound in boards, cloth back, - - price 35c. 

Spanish, at a Glance. 

A new system for Self-Tuition, arranged the same 
as French and German, being the easiest method of ac- 
quiring" a thorough knowledge of the Spanish language, 
(Revised Edition.) 

Bound in paper cover, - price 25c. 

Bound in boards, cloth back, - - price 35c. 

Italian at a Glance. 

Uniform in size and style with German, French, and 
Spanish, being the most simple method of learning tha 
Italian language. I Revised Edition.) 

Bound in oaper cover, - price 25c. 

Bound in boards, cloth back, - - price 35c. 



For sale by all Booksellers or will be sent, postpaid, on receipt of price* 

EXCELSIOR PUBLISHING HOUSE, 
O. Box 1144. 29 and 31 Beekman St., ?ew York, ff.'fc 



New and Popular Books sent Free of Postage at Prices Annexed. 

Barkeeper's Manual. — Onlyprofesstanal book of the kind 
ami t! 1 standard with New York barkeepers. It gives all 
! drinks, ami the popular beverages of all sec- 
, tor hotels, steamers, restaurants, club h< 
. r a reliable guide of this kind Is required. [1 
■ u preparation of wines, cordials, liquors, bitters, 
syrups, aerated Bummer b< irtiflciaJ champagne, cider, 
numerous useful recipes and practical suggestions to the profes* 
.. . 50cts. 

Ehck-Board in the Sunday-School.— A practical gfaide 

iperintendents and Teachers. By Frank Bbaru With numerous 
illustrations. Just the thing wanted, giving jusl the Information needed 

ible any superintendent or teacher to use the black board in the 
work < t* the Sunday-School, including instructions forplain and colored 
drawings and every branch of the subject. Cloth, gold and black 
■tamping $1.50 

Book of Scrolls and Ornaments.— For Car, Carriage, 

> and Other 1 ainters. This book is now used in many prominent 
and for ornamental work generally. Mr. J. H. Loudolphe 
gives the beat ideas, and Ins work herein maintains the reputation his 
work in the shop gave him. It is principally devoted to flat ornamen- 
tation. The work is a favorite with the profession, and is a storehouse 
of valuable designs for a great variety of purposes $1 00 

Book of Alphabets. — For Painters, Draughtsmen, De- 
signers, etc. Including all standard styles and many new and popular 
ones. Among utners, Uerman, French, Old English, etc. , 50 cts. 

Book of Japanese Ornamentation.— A collection of de- 
signs adapted to the use of decorators, designers, sign painters, silver- 
B, and others. It meets the want created by the prevailing fash- 
ion for 'Jap,' and will be found highly useful for a variety of purposes. 
The designs are ail practical* and range from the simplest styles to the 
most elaborate work. ''This collection will bo found useful to the sign 
paint'-: r, decorator, and others l r whom it is Intended. — 
' r's Magazine. " Deserves study by all painters interested in dec- 
oration.'— Hub ....$'2.00 

Books of Advertised "Wonders.— -This is a collection of 

the secrets, money-making recipes, wonders, and various things adver- 
by circulars and newspapers to catch curious people. Some are 

good, some bad, some indifferent $250 were spent to collect them, and 
ou have them for with our comments as to the hum 

'hey are such. There are enough good things to pay almost any 
r the outlay of fifty cents, and many persons will avoid paying 

muchhign piicesfor some by getting this book 50 cts 

Candy Maker. — A complete guide for making all plain 
and fancy candies, bonbons, etc. It tells exactly how to boil the sugar 
B successfully for every kind of candy how to color, ilavor, 
Lion This is a good trade in every city, town, and vil 
ted Fresh candies of all fashionable kinds sell 
iits, and will build up a trade in any community 
kinds. Any grocer or baker could add largely 
In a small place by introdn dties 
Cull lino of syrups Cor soda water, recipes for 
popular styles of ice cream, and other information. Illus- 
trated 50 cts. 

EXCELSIOR PUBLISHING HOUSE, 29 & 31 Beekman St., New York, N.Y, 

r. o. tux ii n. 



JXcelgiol 1 ^ecMongi^eadiig 



ONTO. 



CONTENTS: 



Asleep at the Switch. 

Battle of Waterloo, The. 

Benediction. 

Biddy Maginness at the Photogra- 
pher's. 

Billy's Rose. 

Black Horse and his Rider, The. 

B >ok Canvasser, The. 

Brier Rose. 

Calif or nian and a New York 
Segar, A. 

Caoch the Piper. 

Cataract of Lodore, The. 

Catawba Wine. 

Children We Keep. The. 

Chinese Excelsior. The. 

Clothing Business, The. 

Coals of Fire. 

Co i no. 

Curfew Must Not Ring To-Night. 

Death of Robespierre, The. 

Difficulty in Rhyming. 

Farmer John. 

Fearless De C<~>urcy, The. 

Flash. (The Fireman Story.) 

Fly Cogitation, A. 

Going to School 

Granerer and the Gambler, The. 

Her Rival. 

How Girls Study. 

How Jane Conquest Rang the Bell. 

Jack. 

Ki'chen Clock, The. 

Left. 



176 Pages, Paper Cover. 



Life Boat, The. 

Life's Magnet. 

Mary's Lamb oq a New Principle. 

Maud Rosihue's Choice. 

Miss Maloney on the Chinese QueS 

tion. 
Moll Jarvis O'Marley. 
Mrs. Smart Learns How to Skate 
My Garden. 
My Lover. 
Nancy. 

Now and Then. 

Old Man in the Palace Car, The, 
Our Travelled Parson . 
Phryne's Husband. 
Poor-House Man. 
Bevenge is Sweet. 
Room Enough for All. 
Scandal, A. 
Seedy One, A. (A Tale of Fraud 

and Deception.) 
Sign-Board, The. 
Sister of Charity, The. 
Smoker's Soliloquy, A. 
Ta:eof a Dog, The. 
To a Skeleton. 

Trouble in the Amen Cornet. 
Uncle Ned's Defence. 
Valentine, The. 
What is a Gentleman ? 
When. 

Witness, The. 
Wounded. 
Wrong Train, The. 

Price 25 cents 



into. 4. oojntt:e:n-ts- 



America. 

Bells (The). 

Bill Jone9. 

Bill 6nvder\s Boy. 

Bill the Engineer. 

B>b s Petticoats. 

Boy 'Wanted " 

Bridget McGurrigan. 

tassius Against Ca?sar. 

tharcoal Man (The). 

C rrect Card (The;. 

CupirTs Arrow 

Dead Doll (The; 

Drunkard s Child (The). 

Eleventh Hour (The) 

Emancipation of Man (The) 

First Client I The 

First Piano in Mining Camp (The) 

Forty 

Frit/ 's Courtship 

Guardian Angel of Gloomy Gulch (The) 

Gemini and Virgo 

Gingerbread 

Goi.t i The 

Guilty or Not Guilty 

Her i'etter 

He Was Rather Deaf 

Housekeeper s Soliloquy (, The). 

How John Proposed. 

Joe lord ' the Fireman. ' 

John Chinaman's Protest 

Leadvil'.e Jim. 

Lemonade 

LitUe Gift from Ireland (A) 

Tlnnnil in tllumirt 



Little Girl's Composition on * Rooms." 
Tittle Maid s Au.eu (The) 
Maclaine ? Child 
Marry .Me Darlint ToNleht 
Modern Shakespeare (The) 
Movement Cure fur Rheumatism (The). 
Moving Tale (A) 
Mr. Pepnerprrass's Peroration. 
Mum Sociable ( The I 
Old Rodney and the Bull. 
One Touch of Nature. 
Orange and Green. 
Othello s Apology. 
Paradise Regained. 
Pauper Law 
Phaidrig Crohoore. 
Rover 

Sale of Old Bachelors (A). 
Sal Parker s Ghost. 
Selfish Drummer (The) 
Spo^pendvke Wrestles with a Biey«l» 
Station Master s St >ry (The). 
Story of So- r,c Bells (The). 
Tale of a Possum 
Telmachus vs Mentor. 
That Porterhouse Steak- 
Tim O Brian s Wedding- 
Tram ptng. 

Washington. [Poetry ] 
Washington. [Prose J 
Water-Mill > The). 

You Put No Flowers on Papa's Grave 
Young Tramp t The) 

c*t^r? i»nvpp T*rir»f> *> \ nan^a. 



New and Popular Books sent Free of Postage at Prices Annexed 
Haney's Fancy Alphabets— For sign painters. This 

nit It gives the fashionabi' f the day. and orij;- 

inal d< beauty and uriiity Sign painters who want the 
i rk experts should get this work, it will help you 
tolteej »rsaudgel new ones 

Home Recreations; or, Sow to Amuse the Young Foils — 

rd fresh and agreeable entertainment for juvenile pari 

j >, and the home circle it will rive many pleasant hours 

and keep young folks out of mischief, and make them And employment, 

:• home circle contentedly. Parents, get a copy by all n 

rated 25 eta, 

Horse-Shoer's Manual.— Includes preparation of foot, 

hoes and their preparation, fitting, filing, nails and nailing, 
g with leather, cutting, removing, etc. Also, Youatt's Tn 
on l> Horses 1 Feet. Bonner's famous horse, Dexter, owed 
much of his value to good shoeing, and with all horses it is of grave 
importance. This book should be in the hands of every professional 
horse-shoer, and every horse-owner .25 cts. 

Houdin the Conjurer— This life of the famous French 

Conjurer is full of interesting adventures, "more fascinating than fic- 
tion." Illustrated with numerous engravings 50 cts. 

How I Became a Ventriloquist.— Describing the methods 

by which the author acquired the amusing art, and also his diverting 
experience therewith 10 cts. 

How t§ Make TJp for the Stage. — A practical illustrated 

guide for amateur theatricals, charades, tableaux, etc. This is invalu- 
able to any one getting up, or participating in, any of these entertain- 
ments 15 cts. 

Humors of Ventriloquism.— Full of the most entertain- 
ing and laughable scenes, etc 10 cts. 

Hunters and Trappers' Practical Guide,— This little 

book has immense sale, and gives satisfaction every time. It is a prac- 
tical guide to gunning and rifle shooting, tells how to choose arms and 
ammunition, about different kinds of game, making and using traps, 
and nets, baits and baiting trailing game, preserving, dressing, 
tanning, and dyeing skins and furs ; season for trapping, hints to trap- 
ore hunting, pigeon catching, camping out; sporting vocabulary, 
- for sportsmen, secret of successful fishing. It has more m- 
■ ion than books costing Si to $2, and must not be confounded 
with any catchpenny. It has fifty engravings. .. .......... ^0 cts. 

Impromptu Speaker.— This is not a collection of set 

it guides the speaker in making his own. To point out the 

Unary occasions of impromptu speech making. 

b aid as may be useful, are the aims of this little tn-a- 

'A'hile avoiding formal ruh-s and elaborate disquisitions, ear) 

clearly the things to avoid, as well as the things 

In both th iid the manner of the speech, and the 

particular points of etiquette to Ue ouserved 25 cts. 

EXCELSJOR PUBLISHING HOUSE, 29 & 31 Beekman St., New York, NY- 
P O Box J HI. 



New and Popular Books sent Free of Postage at Prices Annexed 

Art of Training Animals. — A complete guide for ama- 
teur or professional trainers, giving all the secrets and mysteries of 
the craft, and showing how all circus tricks, and all feats of all per 
forming animals — from elephants to fleas— are accomplished. It al^o 
has an improved system of horse and coit breaking, breaking and 
training sporting dogs, care and tuition of song, talking, and perform 
ing birds, snake charming, bee taming, and many other things, making 
a large, handsome volume of over 2UU pages and 60 illustrations. It 
would take a page of this catalogue merely to mention wnat the book 
contains. Every farmer and animal-owner will find this book valuable, 
and every boy who has dogs or other pets will find it a source of 
endless amusement. One gentleman writes us that his boys have 
organized quite a circus with their pets, who have oeen taught 
amusing and wonderful tricks from our book, and he proposes get, 
ting them a little tent. Remember this book at the holidays. It is a 
good present 50cts, 

(An edition embracing also The Horseshoer's Manual and Youatt's 
Treatise on Diseases of the Horse's Foot, in one handsome cloth-bounvj 
volume, at $1.00.) 

Art of Wood Engraving, — A practical instructor by 
which any one can learn a good trade. Many young ladies have had 
gratifying success, and executed very creditable and profitable work 
after a few months practice. Profusely illustrated 25 cts. 

Artist's Manual.— A practical guide to Oil and "Water- 
Color Painting. Crayon Drawing, etc. By James Beard and other emi* 
neut artists. Now that so many are taking up art studies, this book 
meets a want which can be filled by no other single volume. It is very 
clear, full, and explicit, and teaches the best methods. Mr, Beard is 
widely and favorably known as an artist and writer, and his book may 
therefore be relied upon. It gives the able and conscientious aid of an 
expert, hence is peculiarly helpful. Illustrated 50 cts. 



Bad Memory Made Good, and Good Made Better. — Shows 

how a wonderful power of memory may be acquired by a simple art, 
readily, and enables its possessor to achieve feats incomprehensible to 
those ignorant of the secret. It will be of great assistance to teachers, 
pupils, and professional men generally. Clergymen and speakers will 
save much time hy its chapter on Speaking without Notes ; students 
preparing for examination will be greatly aided . . 15 cts. 

Baker's Manual,— This is a practical instructor in all 
branches of the business, including American, French, and German 
styles of work, pastry, cake, and various kinds of bread, biscuit, etc. 
lt'gives many novelties wiios^ recipes are sold at high prices, and any 
baker will find it pay him to get this book A good idea of the real 
Vcilue of this book is given by the fact that the only similar work, 
scarcely as large, has been selling to the trade for $5 a" copy. Any in- 
telligent cook can make the must palatable and attractive articles with 
the aid of our plain and simple directions. Special attention is directed 
to the line of fashionable cakes and pastries. The breadmaking in- 
struction is also very reliable and covers every variety 50 cts. 

EXCELSIOR PUBLISHING HOUSE, 29 & 31 Beekman St., New York, N.Y, 
P. O. Box 1144. 



Excelsior Recitations and Readings. 

ISTo. 1. 
Designed and Arranged fo/ Public and Parlor Recitation and Reading, 



I l >ream. The. 

i raking. 

I 

icral, a. 

i 



CONTENTS. 

Froward i i 
Grannie's Plcl are. 
I!.- Hud 

lusband ? 
How We Fought the Fire. 



i m Liars. In Dtr Shweed Long Ago. 

rned Chair. Intensely Utter, 
pountr/m&n at tne Show, Inventor's Wife, The. 
The. Irrepressible Yankee, The 

IDT, The. Jim's Kids. 

tow, Tiie. A Boy's Com- Lit ' lo Meg and I. 
position. Lost Grave. The, 

ke Walk. Marriage Toor, A. 

Death-BeJ of Benedict Marry's Lamb. 

Arnold. Miner's Protege, The. 

Drummer's Hide, The. Modern Sermon, A. 
liking Love, i Music Grinders, The. 
Ninety-eight 



Erin's 

on the Klepharit. 
Father Profit's Sermon. 
Fireman's Story, The. 
Fish. rue. 

Free Seat, \. 

led Face Girl, The 



No, 5 Collect St 

Not Opposed to Matri- 
mony. 
Old Actor's Story, The. 
Old Sergeant, The. 
On the Other Train 



Frenchman's Version of Oratory and the Press. 
Young Norval. Original Love Story, An. 

Bound in illuminated paper cover. - 



Our Ftrsl Cigars, 
'a Lament. 

P irson snow ■- Broad Hint 

i huip Barton. Eugiueer. 
i iph Alhuin, The. 

Railway Matinee. A. 

Religious Card Player. 

Robert Emmet. 

Romance of a Hammock. 

Shoemaker's Daughter, 

The. 
Smiting the "Rock. 
Solomoni&iu. 
S'posia'. 

Stage Driver's Story, Trie. 

Supper of St. Gregory, Tho 

Tale of the Tenth Hussars 

Test, A. 

That Queen. 

Trying to Lick the 

Teacher. 
Unknown Dead. 
Widder, The. 
Widow's Son, The. 
Woman at Poker. 

Price, 25 cents)* 



Anx Italiens. 
Bells of Shandon. 
Bishop of Boas, The. 
Building and Being. 
Charity Dinner, The. 
Connor. 
Crazy Kate. 

on. 
Death of tho Old Squire, 

Dot iiaby on" Mine. 

i nf Three. The. 
Duel l If Shott 

and Mr. N 

The. 



ISTo. 2- 

CONTENTS. 
iKatrina's Visit to New Providence Pulled him 
1 York. Through. 

Legend of Innisfallen, The Rag-picker, The. 
lLost and Found. Shipwrecked. 

Maniac, The. Soft Guitar, The. 

,Mr. Fisher's Bereavement. Song of the Sh'rt. 
My Neighbor's Baby. Spring House-cleaning. 

|Nora Murphy and the Story of the Faithful Soul. 

Spirits. Street Cries. 

Occupant of Lower No. 3, That Woman Played De- 
i The. spair. 

Old Man Goes to Town, Tirzah Ann's Summer 

The. Trip. 

Oration on the Labor To Draw or Not to Draw. 
ion. Treadw iter Jim. 



hoolgirl, Over the Hill from the Two Glasses, The. 

Poor Hon Uncle [ke's Roosterfl 



unrt. 
j B y " Played. 

a Hen. 
To •. 

I'he. 



Over the Hill to the Poor What Intemperance Does 

Bod What Made Him Glad. 

Paddy's Reflections on Widow Cummiskey, Tho. 
ra's Needle. Wickedest Man la Men>- 

ol Red Calico. I phis. 

With Wine. I Win 



urate's Welcome. 

Bound in illuminated paper cover. - Price, 25 cents* 

lis by all BookseUers, or will be sent, post-paid, on receipt of price. 
EXCELSIOR PUBLISHING HOUSE, 

?. O. Box 1114. £9 and 31 Lttkmun Street, Ntw York, N. T. 



Burdett's Dramatic Recitations and Readings. 

Compiled and arranged for Reading, Speaking, Recitations and Elecutionary 
exercises. 

CONTENTS. 
Baron's Last Banque>;,The. ! Forgive,— No, Never. 



Benediction, The. 

Boat-Race, The. 

Death. 

Death-bed of Benedict Ar- 
nold. 

Death of the Drunkard, 
The. 

Death of King John. 

Death of Murat. 

peath of the Old Squire, 
The. 
" Death of the Reveller,The. 

Dream of Eugene Aram, 
The. 

Dying.Hebrew, The. 

Education. 

Evangelist, The. 

Fearless DeCourcy, The. 

Flight for Life, The. 



Forgotten Actor, The. 
Galley-Slave. The. 
Game Knut Played, The. 
Ivan, The Czar. 
Jean Goello's Yarn. 
King Robert of Sicily. 
Last Banquet, The. 
Legend of the Church oF 

Los Angeles, A. 
Legend of a Veil. 
Leper, The. 
Little Ned. 
14 Lynch for Lynch.*' 
Mary Queen of Scots. 
Marseillaise at Sebastopol, 

The. 
Mask and Domino. 
Night Watch, The. 
Ode to Eloquence. 



Bound in illuminated paper cover, - 



O Maria, Regina Misericor- 
dia. 

One of King Charles' Mad- 
cap Men. 

Painter of Florence, The. 

Parrhasius. 

Portrait, The. 

Ramon. 

Rescue, The. 

Richelieu ; or, the Con« 
spiracy. 

Sea Captain's Story, The. 

Spanish Page, The. 

Three Words (The), Ar- 
nold, the Traitor. 

Tiger Bay. 

Told at the Falcon. 

Two Loves and a Life. 



Price, 25 cents* 



BlIRDETT'S NEGRO DIALECT RECITATIONS AND HUMOROUS READINGS. 

Containing the latest and best hints of modern Negro Ministrelsy, being by fa* 
the most perfect book of its kind ever published. 

CONTE NTS. 

An Examination in History. ' Kentucky Philosophy. IShip of Faith, The. 

Apples: an Original Negro Mahsr John. Solium Fac\ A. 

Marcellino's Conversion. |Sunday Fishin'. 

Marriage a Mighty Serious Teco Brag's Lecture. 



Lecture. 
Bad Churchman, A. 
Blind Ned. 
Brother Anderson. 
Brother Gardner and Judge 

Cadaver. 
Brother Gardner on Music. 
Brudder Bones's Love 

Scrape. 
Brudder Plato Johnson's 

Sermon. 



Thing. 
Momma Phcebe. 
Negro Aphorisms. 
44 Nigger Made Happy." 
il No Party To-Night." 
Old Daddy Turner. 
Old Hostler's Experience, 

The. 

Ole Man's" Lament, The. 



"Business" in Mississippi. Old Sambo Puzzled. 



Caesar Rowan. 

Christmas Baby, The. 

Christmas Night in the 
Quarters. 

Colored Preacher's Relig- 
ious Experience, A. 

Darky Bootblack, The. 

Darky Preacher, The. 

Darky's Story, The. 

De Cake Walk. 

Devil's Ride, The. 

First Banjo, The. 

Half-Way Doings. 

How Persimmons Took 
Cah ob de baby. 



Ter'ble 'Sperience, A. 

Terpsichore in the Flat 
Creek Quarters. 

Three Wishes, The. 

Uncle Anderson on Pros- 
perity. 

Uncle Billy and the Civil 
Rights Bill. m 

Uncle Eph Kimble's Mis- 
take. 



Old Si Pilots a 'Possum Uncle Gabe's White Folks. 

Hunt. |Ur.cle Ike's Roosters. 

Parson Snow's Broa d Hint.|Uncle Joel. 
Pine Town Darky D ebating Uncle Ned's Defence. 



Society. The. 
Plar Nation Song, A. 
Precepts at Parting. 
Professor Barbour's E xperi- 

ment. 



Uncle Pete and Marss 

George. 
Uncle Reuben's Baptism. 
V. ar of Races, The. 

Whar's de Kerridge ? " 



Rev. Plato Johnson Visits What's a Dolla to a Man 



New York, The. 
Rev. Uncle Jim's Sermon, 

The. 
Sambo's Dilemma. 
Sam's Feast. 



Bound in illuminated paper cover. 



wid a Familv 
What Troubled the Nigger. 
Wounded in the Corners. 



Price, 25 cents. 



For sale by all Booksellers, or will be sent, post-paid, on receipt of price. 
EXCELSIOR PUBLISHING HOUSE, 

P. O. Bos 1144. £9 and 31 Beekman Street, New York, IV. Y. 



New and Popular Books sent Free of Postage at Prices Annexed. 
Common Sense Cook Book. — A large collection of * 

approved cookin contaii ed I 

ire all thoroughly tested ami will bo invaluable to housekeepers. 
Itlsthech< 'atestbook on modern cookery. Large Ivmo, 
paper 25 cts. 

Infant Star Speaker.— A collection of choicest pieces for 

I rent styles and abilil luabto 

i uis book is the instruct i • ng the 

mi how to nuke the mofi 
{school receptions and exhibitions Si 

Joe Green's Trip to New York.— A highly diverting 

it of a stranger's amusing haps and mishaps in themetr< 
Illustrated 10 cts. 

Lessons in Horse Judging.— A practical guide for dealers 

and buyers, by. which any intelligent person may become a good judge 
of horses 50 cts. 

Manual of Hair Ornaments.— For jewelry or sonvenirs. 

A guide for a tasteful recreation lor leisure hours, and a source of 
profitable employment for jewelers and others. This book gives full 
directions whereby any one can acquire the art. The book is illustrated 
with over eighty explanatory engravings and beautiful designs for 
work... 50cts. 

Marine and Landscape Painting in Oil— A practical 

guide, fuily illustrated 50 cts. 

Marine and Landscape Painting in Water-Colors.— 

A practical guide, fully illustrated 50 cts. 

Marvels and Mysteries of Detective Adventure.— A 

collection of thrilling and interesting stories of the detectives. Illus- 
trated 25 cts. 

Mind Reading. — A practical explanation of the curious 
pnenomena exhibited by " Broun, the Mind Keader," enabling any one 
to perform the experiments. Illustrated 15 cts. 

Nightside of New York.— This book is a vivid and truth- 

rtrayal of tin' great city after the pras is lighted. It pre tents high 
and low lit- tually are; the fashionable life and life in the 
Flum<. otseek sensationalism, nor to draw on fancy for i:s 
matter. "Truth is stranger than fiction. " Illustrated 25 cts. 

Practical Mesmerist,The — A plain and practical illustrat- 
•inC'urativoand Scientific Mesmerism, teachingliowthe 
, ure and practice the art; how to d 

dilation of blood, to cure headache, rheu- 
mental disorders, paralysis, spinal disease corn- 
heart, and stomach, etc.; Introvision, or power 
tyance, mesmerized water, to make a 

i subject to your will or command, and many curious experi- 

edition, With much important additional matter, with 

numerous illustrations 25 cts. 

EXCELSIOR PUBLISHING HOUSE, 29 k 31 Beekman SU, New York, N-Y. 
P. O. Box 1144. 



F-A-^Z"3STE1'S 



W$fE$ LETTER WipHj 

Book of Commercial Forms, Etc. 

Containing specimen Letters on all possible business top. 
ics, with appropriate answers. There is scarcely a business 
transaction that can happen to an ordinary person in the 
course of his life-time that is not covered by the Letters and 
Repli.es contained in this work. If you want to hire help, find 
a situation, inquire about prices of goods, buy anything, from 
a paper of pins to a house and lot, borrow or lend money, or 
anything at all, you will find the plainest and most business, 
like methods of expressing your objects and desires, besides 
being able to reply in a suitable manner to the offers and in* 
quiries of others. Many a good and profitable business trans- 
action has fallen through for want of being expressed in plain, 
clear, and indisputable language. 

Added to this are a great number of Forms for Business 
Papers and Documents, such as 

AGREEMENTS, LEASES, 

PROMISSORY NOTES, MORTGAGES, 

BONDS, RECEIPTS, 

And a Host of Other Forms, 

which require to be correctly worded to be binding and of 
legal force. This is the best "Letter Writer for those who are 
thoroughly versed in business matters, and cannot express 
themselves plainly in writing, and it proves of valuable assist- 
ance to those who are well informed, as a handy book of ref- 
erence on doubtful matters of Expression or Form, to which 
is added a comprehensive dictionary of synonyms and abbre- 
viations, also a glossary of Commercial terms. 

Bound in boards, with cloth back. Price 50 cents. 

For sale by all Booksellers, or wiil be sent, postpaid, on 
receipt of price. 

EXCELSIOR PUBLISHING HODSE, 

29 and 31 Beekman Street, New York, N 9 T. 

E. O. Box 1144. 



The M Popular Recitations" Series, published monthly, 
containing 64 pages (double column) of the choicest selec- 
tions in prose aiul poetry for individual speakers, with the 
novel and attractive addition of a complete comedietta or 
farce in each number, commencing May, 1886, The cheap- 
'ever published. Contents sent free on appli- 
cation Price, 10 cts.; by mail, 12 ot*. 

March's Dialogues and Speeches for Wee Tots, 

comprising a variety of short speeches and dialogues suitable 
to children from three to ten years old, and adapted to public 
and private exhibitions, school anniversaries, and other 
entertainments. 

Bound in board, eloth back 35 cts. 

Taper cover 25 cts. 

Burdett's French and Yankee Dialect Recitations 
and Readings. This comprises the most amusing illus- 
trations of French, English, and Yankee dialect selected from 
all the best sources of the past and present, characteristic. 
Paper cover 25 cts. 

Haney's Exhibition Dialogues. A large collection of 
two, three, and four part pieces of a spirited description — 
carefully freed of the extravagance which characterizes many 
school pieces Paper, 25 cts. 

Ritter's Book of Mock Trials. An entirely novel idea. 
The trials are very amusing take-offs of actual scenes in 
court and daily life, adapted to performance by amateurs or 
professionals Paper cover, 25 cts. 

Drummer's Yarns ; or, Fun on the u Road," being the 
latest and funniest book published, consisting of the latest 
jokes, squibs, and "se^ls" in vogue among commercial 
gravel rs Price, 10 cts. 

Burdctt's Shakesperean Recitations and Readings, 

choice readings and scenes from Shakespeare, 
adapted to amateur and professional recital. 
Illustrated paper cover 25 cts. 

J or Bale by all bookseller*, or trill be Bent postpaid 
on receipt of pvirt . 

EXCELSIOR I>TJBIL.ISPa:ilSrO HOT7SB3, 
29& 31 Beekraaii St., New York, N. Y. 



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